


Voltron Group Chat

by YouMayKnowMeAsAngel



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ALSO A TAG, F/M, FUCK, Hunk (Voltron) is so Pure, Like, M/M, Mentions of canon character death, Mothman, Pining Keith (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron) is a Mess, Surprise Angst, This is mostly for fun, and by surprise i mean surprise to me who did not set out to write angst but whoop whoop here we are, bi lance, but alas, but it's mostly jokes, but nothing happens, cuz that's always a good thing, eventual klance and shallura, every single paladin has Problems, fucking shit goddammit, i am but a fanfic author with no actual creative control, i just think it's cute, i love this goddam fandom, if i had the power i would smack the sense into voltron writers, im sorry, keith is Gay with a capital g, like don't worry about plot too much, memessss, obligatory group chat fic, omg that's a tag, pidge has a crush on allura, so many memes, unapologetic overuse of emoticons, update, was written before canon ages released so allura is in her twenties in this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-09-26 19:57:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 62,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9919967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouMayKnowMeAsAngel/pseuds/YouMayKnowMeAsAngel
Summary: Allura reboots the old paladin group chat. She'll come to regret this decision.





	1. Let Lance Say Fuck

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573) by [ArcaneAdagio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcaneAdagio/pseuds/ArcaneAdagio). 



> This is...idk. I'm sorry. I have no explanation. This was fun to write.
> 
> I'm still working on my other projects, but this is sort of a break for me. Hope you enjoy it.

**[PALACE 1 opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

**[PALACE 1 activated PALACE 2]**

PALACE 2: Ah, Princess! I see you have managed to find the old paladin communication channel!

PALACE 1: Yes. It took some time, but the data logs are still backed up in some of the old systems. I thought it would be wise to start up the channel.

PALACE 2: A wonderful discovery and decision, indeed. However, may I express some minor concerns?

PALACE 1: Of course, Coran. Your assistance is always valued.

PALACE 2: Thank you, your highness. I'm only wondering whether we should brief the paladins on the proper usage of the communication channel.

PALACE 1: Whatever do you mean?

PALACE 2: I've heard rumors, Princess, of former paladins abusing this channel for strange purposes.

PALACE 1: Strange in what way?

PALACE 2: Oh, just jokes, amusement. Nothing harmful, but not strictly Voltron related.

PALACE 1: Coran, I am sure our paladins will recognize the significance and importance of such a communication channel. I have full faith in their abilities to use this for proper communication.

PALACE 2: Well, if you trust them, I cannot see any harm.

PALACE 1: Of course. I believe their communicators can be found somewhere in their dormitories. I'll activate them to seek out their location.

**[PALACE 1 activated BLACK, BLUE, YELLOW, GREEN, RED]**

GREEN: what is this

PALACE 1: Pidge! Is that you? Do you have your communicator?

GREEN: you mean this triangle phone that fell from my ceiling and onto my face

PALACE 1: Yes, that would be your communicator.

GREEN: wait

GREEN: is this some sort of group chat?

GREEN: paladin altean channel?

PALACE 2: Yes! Ages ago, paladins would use this channel for emergency communication. Princess Allura has managed to find the old data logs in the computer systems.

GREEN: huh

PALACE 1: Wonderful, the computer is showing that all the communicators are accounted for.

RED: Why did a triangle fall on my face.

GREEN: hi keith

RED: How do you know my name? Who are you? What do you want?

GREEN: i'm zarkon

GREEN: i'm here for all your robot lions that form one giant lion man

RED: Voltron?

GREEN: no the other one

BLUE: yoooo group chat!

YELLOW: Hey everybody!

BLUE: the keypads on these things are super weird.

BLUE: i need more room for my delicate fingers.

GREEN: you mean your freakishly long fingers?

BLUE: you know what they say about ppl with long fingers…;)

GREEN: that their bodies are compensating for something?

BLUE: …

BLUE: rude.

YELLOW: lol

RED: I don't get it.

GREEN: i'll tell you when you're older

BLACK: This is labeled as a Voltron communication channel.

BLACK: I'm assuming this has something to do with the paladins?

RED: Who's Palace 1 and Palace 2? What is all of this about?

PALACE 1: This is Allura. PALACE 2 is Coran, and the colors are their respective paladins. This channel is for emergency communication between the palace and Voltron.

RED: Oh.

RED: Okay.

BLUE: you have such a way with words.

RED: Thank you.

BLUE: o h mygod

BLACK: Is this channel only for emergencies?

PALACE 1: Technically, yes. I think it would also be useful for general communication while on missions.

GREEN: didn't the garrison have a group chat?

YELLOW: Yeah, Lance got banned

RED: Why?

YELLOW: He sent a nude

BLUE: i did NOT

YELLOW: The whole garrison saw it

GREEN: oh yeah i remember that

RED: What's a nude?

GREEN: lance can show you

BLUE: ok FIRST of all

BLUE: it wasn't a nude, it was literally just a shirtless picture.

GREEN: a pretty spicy shirtless picture

YELLOW: Yeah

BLUE: and SECONDLY it was an accident, i meant to send it to a girl.

BLUE: and, like, two guys.

RED: Guys?

YELLOW: I think they saw it

BLUE: yes i know everybody saw it because i sent it in the group chat haha you're so funny

YELLOW: I try

RED: Wait, he wanted to send it to girls and guys?

YELLOW: Yup, he's not exactly subtle

BLUE: and THIRDLY

BLUE: keith how the fuck do you not know what a nude is?

RED: I left the garrison, remember?

GREEN: he was literally living under a rock

RED: No, I was living in a shed in the desert.

GREEN: dude

BLACK: Don't tease Keith about his life choices.

BLUE: we're not. that's what's so great.

BLUE: it just sounds like we are, because his life choices are so sad.

YELLOW: Says the guy who showed the entire garrison his nipples

BLUE: A PRIVILEGED SIGHT INDEED

YELLOW: Besides, Keith's shack was pretty cool

RED: Thank you, Hunk.

YELLOW: He had a lot of band posters, I saw one called moth man

RED: Wait.

RED: Yes.

RED: Band posters.

RED: Because Mothman is a band.

RED: And not a lifelong dream.

BLUE: lol what

**[GREEN changed name to PIDGE]**

YELLOW: Woah! How did you do that?

Pidge: it's in the settings

Pidge: press the hexagon button

**[YELLOW changed name to HUNK]**

**[RED changed name to KEITH]**

**[BLACK changed name to SHIRO]**

**[BLUE changed name to Space Cowboy]**

HUNK: Lance

Space Cowboy: let a man dream.

SHIRO: Lance.

Space Cowboy: ugh fine

**[Space Cowboy changed name to LANCE]**

LANCE: happy?

PIDGE: whipped

LANCE: shut up.

PALACE 2: Should we change our names as well?

SHIRO: It might be helpful.

**[PALACE 2 changed name to CORAN]**

**[PALACE 1 changed name to ALLURA]**

LANCE: yay! i like this, it's fun

ALLURA: This is not for fun, exactly. This channel is for the good of Voltron. It's incredibly secure, but nevertheless, anything you share here might be compromised.

SHIRO: The Princess makes a good point. No fooling around, you guys.

PIDGE: ugh

LANCE: laaaame

KEITH: What secret information would we be sharing on here, anyways?

KEITH: It's not like Zarkon is going to be interested in pictures of Lance's nipples.

LANCE: how do you know?

LANCE: my nipples are universal, baby.

KEITH: That doesn't make sense.

LANCE: you don't make sense

HUNK: Allura, what about bonding?

ALLURA: Bonding?

HUNK: Yeah, back on Earth, friends would have chat groups with each other

HUNK: To share moments and stuff

HUNK: It's sort of like team building

CORAN: How intriguing!

ALLURA: And you think that this communication channel could be used for such team bonding?

HUNK: Why not?

LANCE: yeah, we're all about bonding, right keith?

KEITH: Don't talk to me.

PIDGE: i think it's a good idea

PIDGE: sometimes it's easier to talk about stuff in a chat vs in person

SHIRO: That's a very good point.

CORAN: I'm always amazed by the extent to which humans will find ways to initiate social contact in otherwise unsocial settings! Keith is a perfect example of this.

KEITH: Uh, thanks?

CORAN: This could be a very interesting experience!

ALLURA: Well, I suppose I can't see any serious harm.

LANCE: WOOO! GROUP CHAT!

PIDGE: squad

HUNK: Squaaaaad

KEITH: What does that mean?

HUNK: Like a group of friends

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: That's…sort of nice.

LANCE: aww guys keith is blushing

KEITH: I'm not!

LANCE: you totally are.

LANCE: you big softy you.

PIDGE: /whisper [LANCE]

PIDGE: >> careful lance, your crush is showing <<

LANCE: wtf pidge how did you do that

KEITH: Do what?

PIDGE: heheheh

LANCE: wait i got it

LANCE: /whisper [PIDGE]

KEITH: Whisper?

LANCE: >> i don't know what you're talking about <<

PIDGE: >> hmm <<

PIDGE: >> was it back in the garrison when you said <<

PIDGE: >> "that guy in the mullet can thread my needle any day" <<

KEITH: Is something happening?

HUNK: They're whispering to each other

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: They can do that?

LANCE: >> you can't hold that against me, i was foolish and young <<

PIDGE: >> that was literally a year ago <<

HUNK: Yeah it's a whisper function, like "/whisper [insert name]"

ALLURA: Ooo I have never seen that function before!

LANCE: pidge you little shit you KNOW i can't be held accountable for my feelings

LANCE: wait that wasn't whispered

HUNK: Feelings?

SHIRO: Guys, we shouldn't be swearing on here.

LANCE: whaaaaat?

PIDGE: why not?

SHIRO: Well, for one thing, it's rude. Allura and Coran are present.

ALLURA: And you're assuming we're averse to swearing?

SHIRO: Oh. Are you?

ALLURA: I find I don't mind it. It can actually be quite amusing.

CORAN: As well as illuminating! Such colorful contexts and feelings behind phrases!

LANCE: yeah shiro, they don't mind

SHIRO: We are protectors of the galaxy. We are held to a certain degree of respect.

LANCE: the universe can respect bofa

HUNK: NO

SHIRO: Bofa?

KEITH: What.

HUNK: Lance I swear to god

ALLURA: What is a bofa?

HUNK: _Lance_

LANCE: …

LANCE: i can't

LANCE: it's too easy

HUNK: I hate you

PIDGE: lmao

SHIRO: All I'm asking is that this chat remains clean. No dirty jokes or phrases, no swearing.

KEITH: You have to know that isn't going to work.

LANCE: yeah, fuck the police

HUNK: COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND

PIDGE: hunk, have i ever told you that i love you?

HUNK: <3

SHIRO: Come on, I'm not trying to be the bad guy here.

KEITH: Quote of the day.

HUNK: Quote of the _century_

LANCE: let lance say fuck

PIDGE: #letlancesayfuck

SHIRO: You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

**[SHIRO changed name to No Fun for No One]**

No Fun for No One: Okay, I didn't do that.

LANCE: looooooool

CORAN: I believe someone got into the systems.

KEITH: Pidge.

CORAN: How?!

PIDGE: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PIDGE: i'm a girl of many skills

HUNK: Pidge voice: _I'm in_

KEITH: Haha

No Fun for No One: Alright, very funny.

LANCE: though somehow not as funny as keith typing "haha"

KEITH: Let me LIVE.

No Fun for No One: Please change it back.

HUNK: Fun's over.

ALLURA: I actually think it's rather funny!

LANCE: BURN

PIDGE: （゜◇゜）

LANCE: ROYAL BURN

KEITH: Nice.

No Fun for No One: …

ALLURA: Ooo Pidge how did you make those faces?

PIDGE: !

PIDGE: it's called an emoticon!

PIDGE: i can send you the little keyboard i'm making!

ALLURA: Oh, thank you!

LANCE: /whisper [PIDGE]

LANCE: >> careful pidge, your crush is showing <<

PIDGE: >> shut up shut up SHUT UP <<

HUNK: Man, I love emoticons

HUNK: So pure

HUNK: So innocent

ALLURA: 凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

HUNK: Oh My

LANCE: lmao allura goes OFF

KEITH: Is it

KEITH: Is it flipping me off?

ALLURA: Oops, my apologies, wrong one.

ALLURA: (´∀｀)

HUNK: Aww, cute!

ALLURA: I know!

KEITH: Pidge, could you send me that keyboard?

PIDGE: sure thing

No Fun for No One: Alright, you guys can swear and let off steam and do whatever you want, I'm sorry.

PIDGE: oh yeah, sorry shiro

No Fun for No One: It's fine, it's my fault, probably just my military training kicking in.

No Fun for No One: I don't want any of you to feel as though I'm limiting you.

LANCE: …

LANCE: sure

PIDGE: i'll fix it, one sec

**[No Fun for No One changed name to SHIRO]**

SHIRO: Thank you, Pidge.

PIDGE: no problemo

KEITH: I found an emoticon thingie I like.

HUNK: Oooo let's see

KEITH: (◡‿◡✿)

KEITH: He's happy. At peace.

PIDGE: this is great

SHIRO: That's nice, Keith.

ALLURA: Yes! That's a very nice face!

CORAN: Oh, how amazing! Little faces made out of text!

PIDGE: coran would you like the keyboard?

CORAN: I think I would!

PIDGE: you know what, i'll just share it with the whole group

KEITH: Good idea.

ALLURA: This is splendid, I love all this bonding!

HUNK: /whisper [LANCE]

HUNK: >> Hey, you okay dude? <<

HUNK: >> You got pretty quiet there <<

LANCE: >> yeah i'm fine <<

LANCE: >> at least no different from usual <<

HUNK: >> Oh <<

HUNK: >> You know I'm always here for you, right? <<

LANCE: >> yeah <<

HUNK: >> If you want to talk about anything <<

LANCE: >> … <<

HUNK: >> Or not <<

HUNK: >> We could hang out in my room and play that altean chess game <<

HUNK: >> I'll let you cheat <<

LANCE: >> yeah <<

LANCE: >> that sounds good <<

HUNK: >> Good <<

LANCE: >> luv ya, bro <<

HUNK: >> luv ya too, bro <<

**:**

**:**

**:**

**[KEITH opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

KEITH: /whisper [HUNK]

KEITH: >> Hunk? <<

KEITH: >> Are you awake? <<

**[HUNK opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

HUNK: >> I am now <<

KEITH: >> Oh. <<

KEITH: >> Am I doing this whisper function correctly? <<

HUNK: >> Uh yeah <<

HUNK: >> Dude, it's the middle of the night <<

KEITH: >> Oh. <<

KEITH: >> I'm sorry, I'll let you sleep. <<

HUNK: >> No it's fine, do you need to talk? <<

KEITH: >> It's nothing, really. <<

KEITH: >> I was…wondering something about Lance. <<

KEITH: >> But it's fine, I'm just tired. Forget it. <<

HUNK: >> No no no! What is it? <<

HUNK: >> I'm fully awake now, dude, tell me what it is <<

KEITH: >> …Okay. <<

KEITH: >> Do you remember earlier when we were talking about Lance sending nudes to the garrison? <<

HUNK: >> Oh yeah <<

HUNK: >> Did we ever tell you what a nude was? Do you want to know? <<

KEITH: >> Uh. <<

KEITH: >> I'm pretty sure I figured it out. <<

HUNK: >> Oh <<

HUNK: >> lol <<

KEITH: >> I just wanted to know, <<

KEITH: >> Well. <<

KEITH: >> Lance sort of mentioned that he meant to send the nudes to a girl, <<

KEITH: >> And two guys. <<

HUNK: >> Oh. Yeah. <<

KEITH: >> Yeah. <<

HUNK: >> … <<

HUNK: >> OH <<

HUNK: >> OH YEAH <<

HUNK: >> Oh god I'm an idiot lol okay yeah <<

KEITH: >> Um? <<

HUNK: >>  _Soooo <<_

HUNK: >> Keith. <<

HUNK: >> What do you want to know? :))) <<

KEITH: >> Did he, like, <<

KEITH: >> Did he mean to send it to those guys? As a joke? <<

HUNK: >> Nope, that was intentional <<

KEITH: >> So… <<

KEITH: >> Okay maybe I shouldn't be asking this, this is like, probably super personal. <<

HUNK: >> No, dude, it's fine <<

HUNK: >> Trust me, Lance would be 100% ok with this <<

HUNK: >> He gave me permission to talk about it with other people, like this <<

HUNK: >> He doesn't exactly hide it <<

KEITH: >> Oh. <<

KEITH: >> So, he likes boys? <<

HUNK: >> And girls <<

HUNK: >> He's bi, and very proud of it :) <<

KEITH: >> I see. <<

HUNK: >> Does that <<

HUNK: >> Does that make you uncomfortable? <<

KEITH: >> What? No! <<

KEITH: >> No! Of course not! <<

KEITH: >> I'm totally okay with that! <<

KEITH: >> It's fine! It's totally fine! I mean, there's not even the option for it NOT to be fine! Why would it not be fine?! <<

HUNK: >> lol Calm down dude, I get it <<

KEITH: >> Okay. <<

KEITH: >> Cool. <<

KEITH: >> Yeah. <<

HUNK: >> Cooool <<

HUNK: >> Any reason why you wanted to know? <<

KEITH: >> Nope! <<

KEITH: >> Just curious. <<

KEITH: >> Trying to get to know my teammates better. <<

KEITH: >> And stuff. <<

HUNK: >> lmao Okay <<

HUNK: >> You know <<

HUNK: >> You could always talk to Lance about it <<

KEITH: >> Maybe. <<

KEITH: >> I'm tired. <<

HUNK: >> Yeah dude, get some rest <<

KEITH: >> You won't tell Lance about this, right? <<

HUNK: >> Don't worry bro, I gotchu <<

KEITH: >> Uh, thanks? I think? <<

KEITH: >> Goodnight. <<

HUNK: >> Goodnight! <<

**[LANCE opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

**[SHIRO opened PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

LANCE: hunk why the fuck are you private chatting keith at 1:30 in the fucking morning?

SHIRO: Language.

LANCE: **mama la pinga**

HUNK: Don't worry about it, go back to sleep


	2. Rip Keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok for some reason I couldn't stop myself from making a second chapter THE MEMES JUST KEPT COMING TO ME.

**[PIDGE] opened [PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

PIDGE: spotted— keith kogane, wearing nothing but boxers with the words "the truth is out there" on the elastic band

PIDGE: and little flying saucers

HUNK: Pics or it didn't happen

**[KEITH] opened [PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL]**

KEITH: PIDGE NO

PIDGE: [attached img: CryptidKeith.png]

HUNK: Wow Wow Wow

KEITH: **_PIDGE_**

PIDGE: loooool

LANCE: why are you walking around the palace in your underwear?

KEITHL You do that all the time!

LANCE: i forget i'm not wearing clothes, what's your excuse?

PIDGE: what

HUNK: Can confirm

KEITH: I just woke up! I was going to head back to my room, so I just grabbed something to cover up!

HUNK: …

HUNK: Wait

HUNK: Keith, do you sleep naked?

KEITH: Yeah? I strip when I get hot?

PIDGE: nice

LANCE: what.

KEITH: I get hot easily, okay?! I only do it when I'm alone!

PIDGE: keith kogane, secret nudist

HUNK: Aren't nudists like, the opposite of secret?

PIDGE: idk i've never met one

PIDGE: until now that is

LANCE: what.

KEITH: I'm not a nudist!

PIDGE: sounds like something a nudist would say

HUNK: Uh, no it doesn't?

HUNK: Pretty sure nudists are upfront about their nudity?

LANCE: _what._

PIDGE: lance, you ok?

HUNK: He's with me in my room

HUNK: He's, idk, in shock?

HUNK: Wait he's rebooting

HUNK: Lance blowup in 3

HUNK: 2

LANCE: you sleep **NAKED?!**

HUNK: 1

HUNK: Damn, one second off

KEITH: Yes, I sleep naked. It's not a big deal.

LANCE: i just

LANCE: i just don't understand the mechanics

PIDGE: lol what

KEITH: It's pretty SELF EXPLANATORY.

LANCE: so you just have your bare ass touching your bedsheets?

HUNK: Lance

HUNK: Buddy

LANCE: what?! i'm curious!

PIDGE: /whisper [LANCE]

PIDGE: >> more like bicurious <<

LANCE: PIDGE THAT WAS AN EXQUISITE PUN BUT I AM NOT IN THE MOOD ATM

HUNK: Wait hold up

HUNK: Keith, didn't you live in the desert for a year?

KEITH: Yeah.

HUNK: But you get hot easily

KEITH: Yeah?

HUNK: …

HUNK: Wait

PIDGE: omg

HUNK: Waaaaiiiit

PIDGE: o m g

LANCE: what? what is it?

HUNK: Keith, were you naked a lot in the shack?

LANCE: WHAT

KEITH: Um.

PIDGE: !

PIDGE: (ʘ∇ʘ)

PIDGE: KEITH KOGANE, PUBLIC NUDIST

KEITH: I was alone! No one saw!

**[PIDGE] changed group name from [PALADIN ALTEAN CHANNEL] to [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST]**

HUNK: BHAHAHAHAHA

KEITH: For fuck's sake NO ONE SAW ME!

KEITH: It was really hot! I had no air conditioning!

LANCE: i

LANCE: what do i do with this information

PIDGE: what do you NOT do with this information?

PIDGE: i'm gonna cry this is the best

KEITH: Oh, come on!

KEITH: I sleep fully clothed most of the time!

HUNK: Wait

HUNK: Like, with shoes and everything?

KEITH: Yes!

LANCE: …

HUNK: …

PIDGE: …

LANCE: bruh

HUNK: That's worse than sleeping naked

KEITH: How is that worse than sleeping naked?

LANCE: idk it's just weird

PIDGE: yikes

KEITH: I don't understand any of you!

**[SHIRO] opened [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST]**

SHIRO: …

**[SHIRO] closed [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST]**

KEITH: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

PIDGE: best. day. _ever._

HUNK: You guys ever think that Shiro needs a break?

LANCE: yes.

PIDGE: yes

KEITH: I could use a fucking break right now.

HUNK: Why don't you take a nap

PIDGE: yeah, get all nakey

LANCE: lol nakey

KEITH: I hate all of you.

PIDGE: keith kogane— emo on the streets, naked in the sheets

HUNK: Keith Kogane— "punk rock will never die" on the streets, naked in the sheets

LANCE: keith kogane— "impregnate me pete wentz" on the streets, naked in the sheets

PIDGE: this chat produces some quality content (￣ー￣)ｂ

**[LANCE] changed group name from [KEITH KOGANE: CONFIRMED NUDIST] to [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

HUNK: Nice

PIDGE: nice

LANCE: nice.

**[KEITH] went idle**

PIDGE: rip in pieces keith

**[ALLURA] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

LANCE: hellooooo princess!

ALLURA: Moments ago, Keith threw his mug into a wall, and stormed out of the kitchen. Is something wrong?

HUNK: Scroll up

ALLURA: Oh my.

PIDGE: i would feel bad if he hadn't eaten my leftovers

**[KEITH] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

KEITH: Pidge, I said I was sorry.

PIDGE: apologies mean nothing, mullet man

PIDGE: hunk made banana cake that night

HUNK: Aww, glad you liked it!

PIDGE: truly tho, compliments to the chef

LANCE: hunk, you have beautiful eyes.

HUNK: Thanks boo

LANCE: <3

ALLURA: Can everyone come to the kitchen? I have an announcement to make.

HUNK: Is it about Lance using up all my honey for his face masks?

LANCE: beauty = sacrifice

HUNK: *your beauty = my sacrifice

LANCE: yup

KEITH: You use honey in your face masks?

PIDGE: no, wrong question

PIDGE: what you should be asking is how hunk gets honey in _space_

HUNK: I can't reveal all my secrets (⌐▨_▨)

LANCE: he collects honey when we visit planets with bee-like creatures.

HUNK: Thanks, snitch

LANCE: <3

ALLURA: Is honey good for your skin?

LANCE: yup! it's a natural antibacterial, so it helps with acne treatment!

ALLURA: What is acne?

PIDGE: lol quote of the CENTURY

LANCE: shit i keep forgetting allura is literally flawless

HUNK: Queen

ALLURA: No, I am a princess!（＾ｖ＾）

LANCE: /whisper [PIDGE]

LANCE: >> i can feel you blushing. <<

PIDGE: >> shut your dirty m o u t h <<

HUNK: Acne is something earthlings get, little gross bumps and blemishes on their face

ALLURA: Oh, I see. Is that why Lance takes special care of his face?

LANCE: yeah, i'm big on face treatments. it's my Thing.

**[SHIRO] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

SHIRO: Are you done talking about nudity?

KEITH: Yes.

PIDGE: for now

SHIRO: Pidge.

PIDGE: bite me

ALLURA: Do the rest of you participate in facial treatment? Washing your face?

HUNK: Yup! I always wash my face, but I don't do a lot of Lance's fancy stuff

SHIRO: I wash my face every night and morning. It's relaxing to have a routine.

PIDGE: yeah i wash my face

PIDGE: it's a chore, but i do it

KEITH: I don't.

LANCE: what.

HUNK: What

SHIRO: Huh?

PIDGE: i got burn medication on standby

KEITH: What?

LANCE: do you seriously not wash your face?

KEITH: I mean,

KEITH: Sometimes I splash water on my face? Does that count?

LANCE: inhales

LANCE: _BOY_

SHIRO: Do you at least shower?

KEITH: Of course I shower!

PIDGE: but you don't wash your face

HUNK: His skin is so nice tho

ALLURA: That is true, Keith's skin is very clear.

SHIRO: He also doesn't shave.

KEITH: _Shiro._

LANCE: lol

HUNK: Lance, you also don't shave

LANCE: I COULD IF I WANTED TO

PIDGE: what would you shave though

LANCE: _LOTS OF THINGS_

HUNK: He's a bit of a late bloomer

PIDGE: lol

LANCE: you know what let's get back to roasting keith.

KEITH: Let's not.

LANCE: you've got to be doing something to your face!

LANCE: like, your skin is so clear and smooth and soft

PIDGE: /whisper [LANCE]

PIDGE: >> Clear and Smooth and Soft <<

LANCE: pidge, feel free to fuck off.

PIDGE: ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

LANCE: come on keith, you gotta be doing something.

KEITH: I'm really not.

LANCE: tell me your _secrets._

KEITH: I don't have any!

PIDGE: debatable

KEITH: I just don't know, alright? My skin has always been like this!

LANCE: щ(゜ロ゜щ)

LANCE: y u no tell me ur skincare routine

HUNK: Lance

LANCE: sorry.

KEITH: Look, it's not that I don't care about my skin, it's just that I've never needed to. I've never had acne or anything, okay?

PIDGE: wow

PIDGE: that's…suspicious

LANCE: ok, skincare is not just about acne.

LANCE: it's about feeling good! relaxing! putting your best foot forward and COVERING YOUR FACE WITH GOOP THAT SMEELS GOOD.

SHIRO: Is he alright?

HUNK: Yeah, just let him finish

LANCE: no more will we suffer the feeling of waking up with a bad taste in our mouths and grease on our faces.

LANCE: no more will we have to buy overpriced products that do little for our skin, when we can make our own products with healthy ingredients.

LANCE: NO MORE will we sacrifice beauty and self indulgence for sleep, when we can have ALL THREE!

SHIRO: Is it weird that I'm sort of getting into this?

ALLURA: Me as well! I'm enjoying this.

HUNK: Don't fight it, it's a beautiful thing

LANCE: skincare treatment is not only a relaxing hobby, but it's something that everyone can participate in, no matter who or what they are.

LANCE: it's beautiful. i think that

LANCE: i just

LANCE: it means so much

LANCE: hoo boy

KEITH: Is he alright?

HUNK: Um

HUNK: He's a bit teary eyed at the moment

LANCE: i got a bit emotional there

LANCE: sorry

ALLURA: No! This deserves our consideration.

SHIRO: That was a very nice speech.

PIDGE: ^^ yeah

**[CORAN] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

CORAN: Princess, were we not about to have a meeting in the kitchen?

LANCE: oh yeah that was a thing.

HUNK: Oops

CORAN: I have the details of the new bonding exercise all written up and ready for the briefing!

ALLURA: Actually Coran, I believe Lance has presented us with a new bonding exercise.

LANCE: wait.

LANCE: seriously?

ALLURA: I am serious. (✿◠‿◠)

LANCE: WHOOOOOO

LANCE: SPA DAY!

CORAN: Oh.

CORAN: I suppose I'll just…store all these papers and charts. For another time. Yes.

LANCE: SPA DAY SPA DAY SPA DAY SPA DAY

KEITH: Spa day?

LANCE: uh i mean

LANCE: if you guys are up for it?

LANCE: cuz like

LANCE: it's cool if you're not.

HUNK: Dude

HUNK: I'm so down

PIDGE: count me in!

ALLURA: I am looking forward to this!

SHIRO: Sounds like fun.

CORAN: I suppose I'll give it the ol' Altean try! ٩(^෴^)۶

PIDGE: he found the mustache emoticons

HUNK: Blessed image

LANCE: keith, you cool with this?

LANCE: don't want to force you to do something with me that you wouldn't want to do haha

LANCE: ha

KEITH: Um.

KEITH: Yeah, sure, why not?

KEITH: It makes your skin look good, might as well give it a shot.

HUNK: Yeah, Keith likes Lance's skin

PIDGE: nice

LANCE: wait, for real?

KEITH: …

KEITH: Yes.

KEITH: I mean.

KEITH: I can see how the face masks can make a person's skin look really nice, and you use the face masks, so from a purely objective perspective, your skin looks,

KEITH: Really nice.

KEITH: Yes.

LANCE: oh.

LANCE: cool.

LANCE: thanks bro.

KEITH: No problem.

KEITH: Bro.

PIDGE: when future historians ask about the cause of my death

PIDGE: please direct them to the above conversation

HUNK: omg Same

SHIRO: Alright guys, lets head to the kitchen and get this bonding started.

ALLURA: Ooh, Shiro, can I make your mask? I believe I know which ingredients would suit your skin the best!

SHIRO: Oh.

SHIRO: Yes!

SHIRO: That would be nice!

SHIRO: OF YOU.

SHIRO: THAT WOULD BE NICE _OF YOU._

SHIRO: Is what I meant to say.

LANCE: what.

ALLURA: Hmm, alright then!

HUNK: LET'S GET THIS SPA DAY STARTED!

ALLURA: Yes!

:

:

:

:

PIDGE: /whisper [SHIRO]

PIDGE: >> if you think <<

PIDGE: >> for one moment <<

PIDGE: >> that i am not making allura a mud mask <<

PIDGE: >> you would be horribly mistaken <<

SHIRO: >> I see. <<

PIDGE: >> because i am going to make her one <<

SHIRO: >> I have no problem with that. <<

SHIRO: >> Wait, why would I have a problem with that? <<

PIDGE: >> you won't <<

PIDGE: >> because i am going to do it <<

PIDGE: >> whether you like it or not <<

SHIRO: >> … <<

SHIRO: >> Okay? <<

PIDGE: >> yes <<

KEITH: Why are you two texting? We are all literally standing in the kitchen together.

PIDGE: oh i'm just reminding shiro of something (◡‿◡✿)

KEITH: Ok.

KEITH: Any reason why you're playing with that knife?

PIDGE: yes (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

SHIRO: Pidge, your message has been read loud and clear.

PIDGE: oh ok cool

PIDGE: shiro do you want some of these avocado chunks?

SHIRO: Yeah, thanks.

PIDGE: no problem <3

KEITH: …

KEITH: Why do I feel like I've missed something.

LANCE: dude stop texting and start detoxing, these cucumbers aren't gonna chop themselves.

KEITH: Right, yeah.

:

:

:

**[HUNK] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

**[PIDGE] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

HUNK: Hey Keith

HUNK: What are you wearing

HUNK: Asking for a friend

PIDGE: i'm the friend

**[KEITH] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

KEITH: What?!

KEITH: It's 3:30 in the morning!

HUNK: Yeah, so what are you wearing?

KEITH: Why do you want to know?

PIDGE: oh, i don't know

PIDGE: the castle just feels pretty warm tonight

PIDGE: makes one think

KEITH: Holy fucking shit.

**[LANCE] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

LANCE: keith, they want to know whether or not you're naked, please answer so i can get some fucking sleep.

HUNK: Wow, you managed to type the words "keith" and "naked" without self combusting

LANCE: it's 3:30 in the morning **_do you really think i give a shit_**

HUNK: Ok gotcha

PIDGE: keith, fess up

KEITH: If you MUST know,

KEITH: I'm wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts.

KEITH: Happy?

LANCE: no. i'm fucking tired.

HUNK: Aww, bit anti-climactic

PIDGE: i'll believe it when i see it

KEITH: What do you meanawlejflhgwfhjWEHJKHFDSKPIDGEWHATTHEFUCKLSHLWHF,HSFLH

HUNK: Um

**[SHIRO] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

SHIRO: I just heard someone scream, what's wrong?

LANCE: oh for fuck's sake.

HUNK: I don't know?

PIDGE: nothing's wrong

PIDGE: keith's just a sellout

KEITH: OH MY GOD.

KEITH: PIDGE JUST ATTACKED ME IN MY ROOM

PIDGE: relax, all i did was pull back the covers and take a picture

KEITH: AND NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK IN THE PROCESS

PIDGE: yeah but did you die

HUNK: Wait you got a pic?

PIDGE: yup, nothing special though

SHIRO: What?

HUNK: Seeeeend iiiiitttt

PIDGE: [attached img: NotANude.png]

KEITH: I can't believe this is my life. THIS IS MY LIFE.

HUNK: Huh, he was telling the truth

KEITH: Why would I lie?

PIDGE: to protect your modesty

SHIRO: I'm going back to sleep.

**[SHIRO] wend idle**

PIDGE: poor shiro

KEITH: Poor _Shiro?_

HUNK: Look, Keith's wearing Lance's special face mask

HUNK: How sweet

HUNK: Lance, do you see this?

LANCE: i'm going back to sleep before i kill all of you

**[LANCE] went idle**

PIDGE: yikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ╭(°ㅂ°)╮╰(°ㅂ°)╯╭(°ㅂ°)╮╰(°ㅂ°)╯
> 
> (I swear Keith is one of my fav characters that's why I abuse him so.)


	3. Mothman: The Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what this chapter is about.

**[PIDGE] created the subgroup [IMPORTANT QUESTIONS]**

**[PIDGE] invited [KEITH] to the subgroup [IMPORTANT QUESTIONS]**

**[KEITH] opened the subgroup [IMPORTANT QUESTIONS]**

KEITH: What is this?

PIDGE: a subgroup

PIDGE: for important questions

KEITH: I sort of figured.

KEITH: What important questions?

PIDGE: i’ve been watching you

KEITH: …

KEITH: Ok.

PIDGE: hunk says you had posters in your desert hermit shack

KEITH: Please stop calling it that.

PIDGE: these posters depicted something hunk had mistaken for the name of a band

PIDGE: but i know better

KEITH: What?

KEITH: Wait.

KEITH: Oh, god.

PIDGE: that’s right, keith

PIDGE: i _know_

KEITH: Fuck.

KEITH: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck

PIDGE: keith

KEITH: No.

PIDGE: what is your connection to the entity known as Mothman?

KEITH: …

PIDGE: **_answer me_**

**[KLANCE] went idle**

PIDGE: I KNEW IT

**[PIDGE] closed subgroup [IMPORTANT QUESTIONS]**

:

:

:

LANCE: so then i was like “it’s not gay if it’s in space”

HUNK: What did he say?

LANCE: he was like “we’re not in space”

LANCE: and i was like “ok so it’s pretty gay”

HUNK: Smooth

**[PIDGE] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

LANCE: heeey pidgeotto what’s shakin’?

PIDGE: where’s keith

LANCE: uh idk.

HUNK: Why? Did he do something?

PIDGE: if you see him, grab him

PIDGE: bring him to me

LANCE: got it.

HUNK: Wait, why?

PIDGE: trust me, you don’t want to know

HUNK: I don’t want to know, or you don’t want to tell me?

PIDGE: found him HOLY SHIT

**[PIDGE] went idle**

HUNK: Okay

LANCE: ’twas nice knowing ya, keith.

HUNK: Any idea what that was about?

LANCE: nah, you?

HUNK: Nope

LANCE: oh well. it’s probably nothing.

HUNK: Famous last words

LANCE: lmao ikr?

:

:

:

**[PIDGE] opened subgroup [IMPORTANT QUESTIONS]**

PIDGE: come down from there you coward

**[KEITH] opened subgroup [IMPORTANT QUESTIONS]**

KEITH: No.

PIDGE: keith

KEITH: _No._

PIDGE: i just have a few questions

KEITH: Leave me alone.

PIDGE: you’re being ridiculous

KEITH: No I’m not.

PIDGE: you’re sitting on top of the red lion

PIDGE: you look ridiculous

KEITH: Shut up.

PIDGE: how did you even get up there?

KEITH: Go away.

PIDGE: omfg WHAT WAS THAT

PIDGE: did you just throw your shoe at me?!

PIDGE: FOR FUCK’S SAKE DON’T THROW THE OTHER ONE

KEITH: I don’t want to talk to you.

KEITH: You wouldn’t understand

PIDGE: wow calm down my chemical romance the black parade album 2006

PIDGE: i might understand more than you think

KEITH: What do you mean?

PIDGE: i know about Mothman too

KEITH: What.

PIDGE: don’t play dumb

PIDGE: i know you know what i know

KEITH: …

KEITH: What.

PIDGE: what exactly were you looking for in that desert?

PIDGE: we both know it wasn’t the blue lion

KEITH: Promise you won’t make fun of me?

PIDGE: …

KEITH: Promise you won’t make fun of me _about this specific thing?_

PIDGE: oh, yeah sure lol

KEITH: Ok. So,

KEITH: Part of the reason why I chose to go into the desert,

KEITH: was because I had a hunch Mothman might be there.

PIDGE: dude

KEITH: I know, it’s lame to believe in him and all that, but I can’t stop myself.

PIDGE: keith

KEITH: I know he’s out there! He’s got to be! I can feel it in my bones, Pidge. I hear his call.

PIDGE: _keith_

KEITH: I will find him one day! I don’t care what anyone thinks, I will find him! He’s the one thing I can believe in after all these years, without him I’m nothing!

PIDGE: would you shut up for one gosh darn dang second and LET ME SPEAK

KEITH: Oh, yeah, sure.

PIDGE: you were looking in the wrong place

KEITH: Huh?

PIDGE: Mothman is part _moth,_ part _man,_ why the hell would he be in a desert???

KEITH: Uh

PIDGE: everything points to Mothman being located in northern california, not the ass crack of nevada

PIDGE: look, we can compare notes and go over our findings. i’m not saying it’s entirely impossible for Mothman to live in the desert, just not very fucking likely lmao could you imagine???

PIDGE: a cryptid of that size and strength seeks a home in damp and sheltered environments, but i don’t blame you for being hopeful

PIDGE: think about it: with my brilliance, and your persistence, we could find Him

PIDGE: omgomg we can be like platonic scully and mulder

PIDGE: and if you think for one fucking second that i’m not scully i’ve got several very gay reasons why you would be wrong

PIDGE: you hear me keith?

PIDGE: keith?

PIDGE: dude

PIDGE: …are you

PIDGE: are you _crying???_

KEITH: No.

PIDGE: you just wiped away a tear

KEITH: My eye was itchy I was rubbing it.

PIDGE: right

KEITH: I had no idea you were a believer.

PIDGE: lmao have you ever talked to me??? why wouldn’t i be a believer

KEITH: I don’t know, I just don’t come across many people who are willing to accept Mothman.

PIDGE: dude, i pilot a sentient robotic lion that combines with four other sentient robotic lions to form one giant robotic lion man

PIDGE: i can pretty much accept anything at this point

KEITH: Fair enough.

KEITH: I’m so happy to have found someone who shares my beliefs!

PIDGE: ikr??? this is awesome! 

PIDGE: wait this calls for something special

**[PIDGE] changed subgroup name from [IMPORTANT QUESTIONS] to [CRYPTID CENTRAL]**

KEITH: Beautiful.

PIDGE: isn’t it?

KEITH: What other theories do you subscribe to?

PIDGE: omg ok

PIDGE: matt and i were pretty big fans of the yeti when we were smaller, but then he got all normie on me and started spouting stuff like “there’s no proof, katy” and “this is isane, katy” and “you haven’t slept in a week, katy”

KEITH: Weak.

PIDGE: i _know_

PIDGE: i found Mothman soon after that, and the rest is cryptic history

PIDGE: how about you? how did you answer the call?

KEITH: There was no true beginning for me. Mothman has always been a part of my life.

KEITH: He is, without a doubt, an inspiration. I believe he is observing humanity from afar, waiting for the right moment to reveal himself to those who truly believe.

PIDGE: of course, of course

KEITH: I will find him one day, and he will envelop me in his strong arms and flap his great moth wings and take me away from all this horror.

PIDGE: wow

KEITH: He’s beautiful, Pidge. Just picture him. 

PIDGE: hey keith?

KEITH: Yeah?

PIDGE: i think you might be gay for Mothman

KEITH: WhaT?! HaHa 

KEITH: That is

KEITH: That is very funny!

KEITH: That I might be gay for Mothman haha I’m laughing.

PIDGE: um

KEITH: I don’t know where you come up with this stuff about me being gay for Mothman, it’s hilarious is what it is. Yes. Mothman is respectable and I should be so lucky to find him and/or be gay for him.

PIDGE: keith, buddy, if i made you uncomfortable i’m sorry

KEITH: WHAT? Why on earth would I be uncomfortable haha!

PIDGE: idk

PIDGE: if it makes you feel any better, i’m completely gay for Nessie the loch ness monster

KEITH: Really?

PIDGE: of fucking course, she’s beautiful have you seen her???

KEITH: No one has.

PIDGE: _i know_

KEITH: …

KEITH: Pidge?

PIDGE: yeah

KEITH: Hypothetically, if I were 

KEITH: I mean

PIDGE: dude

PIDGE: you don’t have to tell me anything if you’re not comfortable

KEITH: No.

KEITH: I think I…want to?

PIDGE: ok

PIDGE: if you’re sure

KEITH: Yeah.

KEITH: I’m pretty gay for Mothman. 

KEITH: And guys in general.

PIDGE: cool dude!

PIDGE: thanks for telling me!

KEITH: Yeah. 

PIDGE: do you not want me to tell the others?

KEITH: Um.

PIDGE: because i’d totally understand if you’d rather keep this between us

KEITH: Actually, I sort of want to tell them.

KEITH: I mean, I want to be the one to tell them.

KEITH: Wow. 

PIDGE: ok

KEITH: Yeah. I want to tell them. 

PIDGE: ok! yeah!

KEITH: Yeah!

PIDGE: you want to do this now??

KEITH: Yeah! Bring it on!

PIDGE: ok then!

KEITH: Ok!

KEITH: I’m really fucking nervous!

KEITH: Ok!

PIDGE: don’t worry dude, i’m here for you

PIDGE: why don’t we do this over chat? might make it easier

KEITH: Yeah.

KEITH: That sounds good.

KEITH: Thanks, Pidge.

PIDGE: scully

KEITH: Thanks, Scully.

PIDGE: anytime, mulder

:

:

:

**[PIDGE] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

**[KEITH] opened [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE]**

PIDGE: hey guys, keith has something important to say

HUNK: Sure, what’s up?

SHIRO: One sec, getting out of shower.

ALLURA: I’m here.

CORAN: Present!

SHIRO: Alright, I’m ready.

PIDGE: where’s lance?

LANCE: I WASN’T TOUCHING THE ANTI-GRAVITY BOOTS.

HUNK: …

SHIRO: What?

LANCE: i mean

LANCE: i’m here.

HUNK: Nice save

SHIRO: What anti-gravity boots?

LANCE: unimportant, keith did you have something you wanted to tell us right about now?

KEITH: Uh. Yeah.

KEITH: So. 

KEITH: This is sort of hard for me to say?

KEITH: I’ve never had to do this before. I’ve been by myself most of my life.

KEITH: And when I was at the garrison, or just around other people in general,

KEITH: I never felt the need to explain myself. Those who knew, knew, and those who didn’t, didn’t need to know.

KEITH: But with you guys, I want you to know. I want to tell you. To share this with you.

PIDGE: we’re here for you, keith

HUNK: Yeah, whatever it is, we’ll support you

HUNK: You’re our friend

KEITH: Alright.

KEITH: I like boys.

KEITH: Like, I _like_ boys.

KEITH: In a gay way.

KEITH: And I don’t like girls in that way.

KEITH: So I guess what I’m saying is,

KEITH: I’m gay.

SHIRO: Thank you for sharing this with us, Keith. This must have been hard.

KEITH: Yeah, haha.

KEITH: I’m sorry if I’ve made any of you uncomfortable.

LANCE: uncomfortable???

LANCE: dude, i’m gonna tell you right now, there are plenty of things about you that make me uncomfortable. but being gay? that’s not one of them.

LANCE: honestly, i’m honored you told us. for real. i’d rather take on ten million zarkons than come out of the closet again. 

LANCE: if anyone ever gives you any shit about who you are, just let me know. i’ll be at your side before you can say quiznack.

KEITH: Wow. Thanks, Lance. That means a lot.

LANCE: well, you know. i’m here for you, bro. 

ALLURA: I pledge the same. Keith, you deserve no less than my upmost respect and understanding. On Altea, it is a great honor to have someone share with you a personal fact. I will forever treasure this friendship.

KEITH: Thank you, Princess.

ALLURA: And if anyone seeks to harm you because of your sexuality, I will launch them into the empty cataclysms of space and watch as their putrid bodies swell and explode in the zero atmosphere.

ALLURA: (✿◠‿◠)

PIDGE: honestly? same

HUNK: Count me in

CORAN: I will bathe in the blood of ignorant attackers, on your behalf, Keith.

KEITH: Uh

KEITH: Thanks.

SHIRO: Viciously disturbing threats aside, I think I speak for all of us when I say we appreciate you, Keith.

HUNK: Keith? Would you mind me taking your spotlight for just a sec?

KEITH: Oh my god please.

KEITH: Take it. Take it all.

HUNK: lol Alright

HUNK: While we’re on the subject of sexuality, I think now’s a good time to point out that Lance and I are bisexual buddies, in case anyone was wondering

LANCE: represeeeeeent

LANCE: it’s cool, we have matching bracelets.

ALLURA: I’ve seen those bracelets, they are very nice!

HUNK: Thanks! My mom taught me how to make them!

LANCE: i helped!

LANCE: sort of.

LANCE: not really.

LANCE: i watched him make them, does that count?

HUNK: No

LANCE: cool.

ALLURA: Would now be a good time to share my own sexuality?

SHIRO: Of course!

KEITH: Go on ahead.

ALLURA: Well, my planet did not focus too much on labels such as yours. However, after hearing about Earth’s culture and practices, I wish our people knew of these terms for themselves.

CORAN: I find myself feeling the exact same.

ALLURA: As for me, I find that “pansexual” best describes my preferences.

PIDGE: yay! thanks for sharing, allura

LANCE: cool! 

CORAN: I am a homosexual through and through!

HUNK: This is so great, I love this

SHIRO: I’m trans, if that matters.

ALLURA: If it matters to you, it matters to all of us <3

KEITH: Yeah.

SHIRO: Thank you. Very much.

LANCE: pidge, how about you? if you feel like sharing, of course.

PIDGE: girls

LANCE: nice.

HUNK: Hey, do you guys want bracelets? I think I have enough supplies to make you each one

CORAN: What a splendid idea! I quite like the rainbow colors of the pride flags!

ALLURA: Ooh, and the pansexual colors are so satisfying.

PIDGE: i’d like to place an order for a lesbian bracelet with a side of fries

KEITH: Me as well.

KEITH: But make mine gay.

LANCE: including the fries?

KEITH: Yes.

SHIRO: I wouldn’t mind a bracelet.

HUNK: Cool, I’ll get right on those

LANCE: bracelet party in the common room!!!

HUNK: Which one’s the common room?

LANCE: your room.

HUNK: Of course

:

:

:

LANCE: hey guys, i just realized something.

SHIRO: Lance, we are in the middle of a diplomatic mission, can’t it wait?

LANCE: we’re not really doing anything at the moment.

LANCE: i mean, allura and coran are having a conference with the queen, but nothing else is happening.

KEITH: We’re supposed to be guarding the entrance to the conference hall.

HUNK: From what? This planet is a pacifist planet

PIDGE: constant vigilance

HUNK: I can literally see you playing that video game, pidge.

LANCE: where did you even get a nintendo DS?

PIDGE: i know a guy

LANCE: you know exactly five guys.

PIDGE: i had it on me when we left earth, ok?

KEITH: Nerd.

PIDGE: punk rock is dead

KEITH: That’s what they want you to think.

SHIRO: What’s the point of this conversation?

LANCE: i realized something moments ago, thought you guys would be interested.

HUNK: Spill

LANCE: ok, so i was scrolling through our earlier conversation, and it hit me.

LANCE: all of us are a part of the LGBT+ gang

LANCE: like, none of us are a heterosexual cis gendered person

PIDGE: wow

SHIRO: He’s right.

KEITH: Oh.

HUNK: That’s…sort of cool

PIDGE: does that mean what I think it means?

**[LANCE] changed group name from [THE ROASTING OF KEITH KOGANE] to [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

PIDGE: nice

HUNK: nice

KEITH: Nice.

LANCE: nice.

SHIRO: I like this.

LANCE: who knew space would be this gay?

PIDGE: i did

LANCE: of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉﾟ▽ﾟ)ﾉ
> 
> Hey guys, I know that the sexualities and genders of the paladins can be a pretty touchy subject for some people. I don't want to start any #discourse, please be kind to each other.
> 
> I think we can all agree that Voltron is pretty gay, though.


	4. The Incident pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! This is pretty much an au now. Whoop.

LANCE: you guys ever think the lions talk to each other?

LANCE: like, have conversations without us?

SHIRO: Lance.

SHIRO: Can this maybe wait until we’re not being chased by a pack of space bounty hunters?

HUNK: Pidge, heads up on your left, that purple ship’s closing in on you

PIDGE: got it

LANCE: it’s just a thought.

LANCE: i mean, i’m pretty sure the yellow lion has a crush on my girl Blue.

ALLURA: That would not be surprising, actually.

KEITH: What?

ALLURA: The yellow and blue lions have always been very close. In fact, each lion has their own special relationship with their fellow lions.

HUNK: PIDGE! LAZER!

PIDGE: i got it I GOT IT

LANCE: ouch.

KEITH: Pidge, you alright?

PIDGE: yeah, just a scratch

SHIRO: You call that a scratch?!

PIDGE: i call that “i’m still alive” so yeah

LANCE: hey hunk, did you hear that your lion’s got the hots for mine?

HUNK: That would explain a lot

KEITH: Like what, exactly?

LANCE: keeeith, a lioness doesn’t kiss and tell.

PIDGE: i love how we’ve all decided the lions are girls

PIDGE: _love_ it

SHIRO: Lance, check your six!

LANCE: my what now?

SHRIO: BEHIND YOU!

LANCE: FUCK.

HUNK: AAAA

LANCE: I’M GOOD! WE’RE GOOD!

HUNK: That was too close!

LANCE: i know.

LANCE: next time shiro, speak in english, not numbers.

SHIRO: It’s basic combat language! Like the hands on a clock?

LANCE: dude, all my clocks are digital.

HUNK: Yeah, it’s really sad

SHIRO: Oh my god.

CORAN: DEAR STARS ABOVE WHY ARE YOU ALL TEXTING??!! YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE!!!

LANCE: lmao chill dude.

LANCE: pidge has got us hooked up to a talk to text function, and the chat display is off to the side of our helmet screens.

ALLURA: Yes, she programmed it into my helmet as well. Very ingenious, Pidge.

PIDGE: oh! thank you princess!

LANCE: cough gay cough

PIDGE: meet me in the pit, lance

SHIRO: We’re almost out of their range, just a bit further.

HUNK: Did anyone see where that orange ship went?

CORAN: Wait, if this is all talk to text, how come some of you still have horrible punctuation skills and grammar?

LANCE: pidge programmed the talk to text to fit our individual Aesthetics. 

KEITH: Why do you keep using that word?

KEITH: And don’t say for the aesthetic.

LANCE: for the aes

LANCE: spoil sport.

PIDGE: lol

HUNK: Uh guys? The orange ship? I can’t see it?

CORAN: Well, what about “lol”? Did Pidge actually say the phrase “lol” or did she laugh out loud?

LANCE: coran's asking the real questions.

SHIRO: I laugh out loud whenever I say L-O-L over text.

PIDGE: oh shiro, you sweet summer child

SHIRO: I was born in the winter.

PIDGE: someone protect him from the ways of the world

HUNK: Guys, I’m getting nervous

SHIRO: No worries, Hunk. Allura, can you fire up a wormhole back to the castle? I think we’ve lost the hunters.

ALLURA: Of course. The system is still a bit foggy after the last battle, but it shouldn’t take longer than a few minutes.

LANCE: thaT’S WHAT SHE SAID AHAH.

PIDGE: my life is full of such ugly people

PIDGE: namely lance

LANCE: you’re just mad cuz i said it first.

KEITH: Of all the people I could have ended up in space with…

ALLURA: Chin up, Keith. It’s for the greater good.

LANCE: and we’re the greatest good you are _ever_ gonna get.

HUNK: REFERENCE

LANCE: HELLS YEAH

PIDGE: (˵¯̴͒ꇴ¯̴͒˵)

KEITH: Ok, how was _that_ talk to text?! That was an emoticon.

PIDGE: three words: facial recognition scanners

LANCE: wait, for real???

LANCE: (⊙ꇴ⊙)

LANCE: omg it works.

HUNK: |°з°|

PIDGE: ᕙ(˵ ಠ ਊ ಠ ˵)ᕗ

LANCE: (✧ ꒪◞౪◟꒪)

HUNK: ಠﭛಠ

PIDGE: (ּơ̑ළּơ̑)

LANCE: (◞≼☉≽◟◞౪◟◞≼☉≽◟)

KEITH: This is absolutely terrifying.

ALLURA: Agreed.

SHIRO: Wait, something’s wrong.

KEITH: Yes. That last face Lance made.

LANCE: admit it, you think i’m pretty.

PIDGE: cough cough

LANCE: shut up pidge.

HUNK: You know who I think is pretty?

PIDGE: shay

LANCE: shay.

KEITH: Shay.

ALLURA: Shay, isn’t it?

CORAN: I believe it is Shay.

HUNK: …

HUNK: I’ve said that before, huh?

LANCE: only like all the freaking time.

HUNK: Well it’s true

HUNK: She’s really pretty

PIDGE: can confirm

SHIRO: Alright, I think we can all agree that Hunk’s girlfriend is very pretty,

HUNK: Never said she was my girlfriend!

LANCE: hunk, is she your girlfriend?

HUNK: Pretty much, yeah

LANCE: uh huh.

SHIRO: Now I think we need to focus. Something’s wrong here, I can sense it.

PIDGE: shiro’s daddy senses are tingling

KEITH: Please don’t ever say that again. Please.

PIDGE: yeah, oops

PIDGE: meant to say dad

LANCE: suuuuuure.

HUNK: Let the kink shaming commence

SHIRO: NO. No, we are not doing that, we are FOCUSSING.

PIDGE: bring it bitches, i got dirt on everybody here

KEITH: She’s right. She keeps files on all of us, from all of her observations

LANCE: that is…unsurprising.

HUNK: Who has the biggest file?

PIDGE: …

PIDGE: allura

ALLURA: What?

LANCE: also unsurprising.

SHIRO: Hey! Everyone! Pay attention!

HUNK: What sort of stuff would you even keep about Allura? She’s the definition of pure!

HUNK: Scary as hell, but pure!

ALLURA: Thank you, Hunk!

KEITH: From what I’ve seen of the file, it’s mostly stuff like her favorite kinds of flowers and foods.

KEITH: And an ever growing tally of all the times Allura has stared at Shiro’s butt.

LANCE: **_what?!?!_**

HUNK: Wowwwwwww

PIDGE: thanks, keith

KEITH: Consider this revenge for the constant emo jokes. (•‿•)

PIDGE: dammit

ALLURA: I.

ALLURA: Um.

SHIRO: Well.

HUNK: Wait are they actually going to talk about this???!!!

PIDGE: new cryptid = allura and shiro talking about theIR FEELINGS KEITH WRITE THIS DOWN WRITE THIS DOWN

KEITH: I’m trying I’m trying!

KEITH: _There’s no pens or paper in my lion what the hell??!!_

SHIRO: Um, Allura?

PIDGE: KEITH IT’S HAPPENNNING!!!!

KEITH: I’m sorry I can’t find any paper!!!

PIDGE: **_FUCK_**

ALLURA: Shiro, I’m not sure whether or not I can deny any of this, but I do have something to say.

CORAN: Paladins! The orange bounty hunter ship has returned!

LANCE: wow how fucking convenient.

SHIRIO: Lance, language. 

LANCE: vete a la mierda you sonofabitch.

HUNK: He’s salty cuz Allura wasn’t staring at his butt

PIDGE: what’s there to stare at?

LANCE: wow ok maybe i don’t have much of a booty but i have a wonderful personality and oh my fuCKING GOD THEY HAVE A LAZER CANON!

LANCE: WHY DO THEY HAVE A LAZER CANON?!

LANCE: KEITH DON’T YOU HAVE A LAZER CANON???

KEITH: Uh, maybe???

LANCE: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAYBE?

KEITH: I mean I do, but I don’t really know how to use it?

LANCE: WOW SO FUCKING HELPFUL KEITH ALWAYS SAVING MY ASS EVERY GODDAM DAY.

PIDGE: lance look out!!!

LANCE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd ok we’re good that was a close one haha.

LANCE: did everyone see that because besides the shitting my pants part that looked pretty cool, right?

KEITH: Hunk, the ship’s coming towards you, I’ll cover you!

HUNK: Got it!

HUNK: God, today has been such an emotional roller coaster!

HUNK: And I hate roller coasters!

PIDGE: they’re firing the canon!

KEITH: Hunk! Barrel roll!

HUNK: AAaaaaAAAAidsAUUGHHWEwwueaaallllAALLLLL

HUNK: I’m good! I’m good! I puked, but I’m good!

SHIRO: Allura, we need that wormhole _now!_

ALLURA: I’m trying, but I think they’ve latched on to the castle’s signal!

SHIRO: What?!

ALLURA: I can’t get a lock on your coordinates!

CORAN: They know the weaknesses of our Altean tech!

LANCE: ok to be fair, so does pidge and she’s like twelve.

PIDGE: i’m fourteen so _fuck you_

SHIRO: Everyone, listen up! Hunk and Keith, you distract the orange ship. Keep it away from the rest of us.

KEITH: Got it!

HUNK: I don’t like it but I got it!

SHIRO: Lance, freeze as many of the other ships as you can, slow them down!

LANCE: sir yes sir!

SHIRO: Pidge, try to help Allura and Coran figure out who’s hacking the system. Keep moving around, I’ll cover you.

PIDGE: on it

HUNK: I don’t know how long I can keep up this chasing thing, my lion’s not that fast!

LANCE: what she lacks in speed she makes up for in style!

HUNK: _You can’t outrun bounty hunters with style!_

LANCE: not with that attitude.

KEITH: Hunk, move towards Lance so his lion can freeze the orange ship.

HUNK: Alright here we go!

HUNK: eeeeeeeeeyyyyyAAAAAAAAAAAA

KEITH: LANCE! NOW!

LANCE: _eat ice, bitch!_

LANCE: whoops, missed, lemme try again.

LANCE: _eat ice, bitch!_

LANCE: nailed it.

PIDGE: i think i found the source of the hack

PIDGE: they’ve latched on to the castle’s central command

CORAN: How?! Our defenses are airtight!

PIDGE: allura, your life force powers the wormholes

ALLURA: Yes, but why does that matter?

PIDGE: they’ve locked onto your signal, as well as coran’s??? what does his life source power?

PIDGE: wait no

PIDGE: they’ve just latched onto him through you, that’s weird how did th

PIDGE: oh shit

HUNK: What?!

HUNK: Oh shit WHAT?!

PIDGE: allura are you still trying to open the wormhole?!

ALLURA: Yes, it’s almost warmed up!

PIDGE: you need to stop it!

ALLURA: What?!

SHIRO: Why does she need to stop it?! That’s our way out!

PIDGE: no time to explain you need to stop NOW

ALLURA: I can’t when it’s at this stage!

KEITH: What’s going on?! What’s wrong!

PIDGE: everyone, when the wormhole appears, _don’t fly into it_

LANCE: why???

PIDGE: just don’t!

CORAN: Wormhole systems back online, wormhole appearing at your precise coordinates!

ALLURA: Something’s off, listen to Pidge!

SHIRO: There’s the wormhole!

HUNK: It looks funny

PIDGE: DON’T FLY INTO IT WHATEVER YOU DO

KEITH: Guys, the orange ship is going to fire his laser!

LANCE: great great this is GREAT.

KEITH: It’s firing!

KEITH: Wait,

KEITH: What’s happening?!

PIDGE: that’s not a laser canon!

HUNK: He fired it at the wormhole what oooohhhh _my god what’s happening?_

SHIRO: My lion is being pulled towards the wormhole. Pidge, what’s going on?!

PIDGE: they messed with the systems!

ALLURA: I feel strange. 

ALLURA: Coran!

CORAN: Princess!

SHIRO: What’s wrong?!

**[ALLURA] went idle**

**[CORAN] went idle**

SHIRO: PRINCESS!

KEITH: I can’t stop my lion, I can’t pull away!

LANCE: what the hell is happening?!

HUNK: AAAAAAAAAA

**[HUNK] went idle**

LANCE: HUNK!

PIDGE: he disappeared into the wormhole!

LANCE: i’m going in after him!

PIDGE: LANCE NO

**[LANCE] went idle**

KEITH: I can’t…fight it…

KEITH: Come on, Red! COME ON!

**[KEITH] went idle**

PIDGE: shiro what do we do???

SHIRO: I

SHIRO: I don’t know!

PIDGE: ok ok

PIDGE: ok

PIDGE: i’m going in

SHIRO: Wait!

PIDGE: i’m sorry, but we can’t fight it off!

**[PIDGE] went idle**

SHIRO: PIDGE!

**[SHIRO] went idle**

:

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**[198SJKReS00.098] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

**[198SJKReS00.098] closed [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

:

:

:

:

:

:

:

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:

 

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: ow.

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

PIDGE: lance! are you alive?

LANCE: unfortunately.

LANCE: ow.

**[HUNK] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

HUNK: Whaaaat just happened

LANCE: hunk!

HUNK: Lance!

LANCE: you’re alive??

HUNK: I’M ALIVE!!

LANCE: AAAAAA!!

HUNK: AAAAA

LANCE: I LOVE YOU BRO!

HUNK: I LOVE YOU TOO BRO

PIDGE: please don’t start crying

LANCE: TOOoooOOO laTE!

HUNK: SO MANY TEARS ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW

PIDGE: great

PIDGE: where’s the rest of the team? shiro? keith? allura and coran?

HUNK: I don’t know

LANCE: uh oh.

PIDGE: it’s ok, it’s fine, everyone just

PIDGE: calm down?

PIDGE: yes?

LANCE: we’re so fucked.

HUNK: Where are you two? It’s dark wherever I am

PIDGE: the green lion’s fine, we’re in some sort of desert area

HUNK: Really? I’m on a grey, rocky flatbed thing

HUNK: Not a desert though

LANCE: i’m in a tree.

PIDGE: a tree???

LANCE: yeah.

LANCE: how the fuck did i get in a tree?

HUNK: There are no trees near me

PIDGE: wait, lemme check something

PIDGE: …shit

LANCE: awesome. tell us how fucked we are.

PIDGE: according to my lion, the three of us are on different planets

PIDGE: i can’t tell which planets though, the coordinates keep refreshing

HUNK: Wow

LANCE: fanfuckingtastic.

PIDE: are your lions operating? mine’s starting to shut down

HUNK: My systems are on, but I can’t get her to move

HUNK: I think she wants to rest

LANCE: Blue is up and running.

LANCE: Let me try to get a better idea of where i AAAAAAAAAAA

HUNK: What?! What’s wrong???

LANCE: oh my god oh my god that was terrifying.

LANCE: i moved Blue’s head to one side, and looked right into the face of the red lion.

LANCE: evidently, keith is stuck in this tree too.

PIDGE: really? i can’t get a lock on keith

HUNK: Keith! Buddy! You there?

HUNK: KEITH!

LANCE: the red lion’s kinda creepy when you’re up this close.

LANCE: i fell like it’s staring at me.

LANCE: weird.

PIDGE: wait i found him

PIDGE: yeah he’s on your planet

**[KEITH] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

KEITH: This is Keith. Anybody there?

HUNK: Woohoo! Keith’s not dead!

PIDGE: i’m here

LANCE: yeah i’m good. 

PIDGE: we don’t know about the others yet

KEITH: I don’t know where the red lion is.

HUNK: What?

LANCE: seriously?

KEITH: Yeah, I was thrown from her on the way down. I landed in a lake of some sort.

LANCE: i might’ve found your lion, dude,

KEITH: Really? Where is she?

LANCE: stuck in a tree with me and Blue.

LANCE: staring into the depths of my soul.

LANCE: judging me.

KEITH: Ok, I see a clump of…pink tress? I’ll start heading that way.

KEITH: Where are the rest of you?

HUNK: On different planets

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: yeah, you and lance are on the same planet, hunk and i are on different ones

KEITH: Oh. 

KEITH: That’s complicated.

LANCE: keith, back at it again with the useful observations.

KEITH: Shut up or I’ll tell Red to eat you.

LANCE: you can’t do that when you’re not in her, mullet man.

KEITH: We’re telepathically linked, dumbo.

LANCE: what?! no! you can’t do that!

KEITH: Red and I have a _connection._

LANCE: that’s not possible! pidge, tell keith that’s not possible!

PIDGE: i have no idea whether or not that’s possible

PIDGE: these are sentient lions, lance

PIDGE: for all i know, they shit glitter 

LANCE: ok OK the red lion just moved.

KEITH: Told you.

LANCE: Blue! babe! i want out of this tree!

HUNK: Pidge, any sign of the others?

PIDGE: no nothing

HUNK: I’m sure they’re fine. If we survived, they survived

PIDGE: i hope so

LANCE: ok something weird is happening.

KEITH: Way to sum up our lives, Lance.

LANCE: no i mean,

LANCE: Blue is talking to the red lion?

HUNK: What

KEITH: Seriously?

LANCE: i think so.

LANCE: i can sort of feel she’s distracted, and she’s not doing what i want her to.

LANCE: the lions are just sort of staring at each other. 

PIDGE: maybe the red lion wants you to wait until keith gets back

LANCE: maybe.

KEITH: I have a long way to walk, it’s going to take me awhile to get there.

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

SHIRO: Everyone report in.

PIDGE: SHIRO!

PIDGE: pidge reporting in!!!

HUNK: Hunk here

KEITH: Keith Kogane, red paladin pilot reporting in.

LANCE: i’m lance and i’m very scared.

SHIRO: This is Allura, Shiro’s helmet was damaged in the fall. He’s fine, he’s flying the black lion towards pidge’s signal.

PIDGE: you’re on my planet?

SHIRO: Yes, heading your way!

PIDGE: wait

PIDGE: allura, are you with shiro?

ALLURA: Yes. I’m in the black lion as we speak.

PIDGE: but you were in the castle during the fight

LANCE: or WAS she?

ALLURA: I certainly was.

LANCE: or WAS she?

HUNK: Lance

LANCE: i’m so tired.

ALLURA: The portal affected the castle too. Luckily, only Coran and I were indoors with it hit us. We managed to activate our emergency space suits before we were flung into the portal. I somehow ended up in the black lion. I do not know where Coran is.

HUNK: Uh

HUNK: I think I found Coran

SHIRO: Is he with you?

HUNK: Sort of

HUNK: He’s passed out on top of my lion

HUNK: He’s fine though, oh he’s _moving whAT WHAT_

CORAN:WAAAAAAAAH

HUNK: STOP!

CORAN: WAAAAAAAAAH

HUNK: _STOP!_

LANCE: lol coran is waluigi.

PIDGE: #confirmed

CORAN: Who’s there?! What’s happening?! Where am I?!

HUNK: CORAN! IT’S ME! HUNK! 

CORAN: Hunk! It’s you!

HUNK: Yes! Stop trying to attack me!

SHIRO: Pidge, did you set up Coran’s helmet with talk to text as well?

PIDGE: probably

KEITH: You don’t remember?

PIDGE: hyperfocussing’s a bitch, yo

LANCE: amen to that.

CORAN: Where’s Allura?! We were both thrown into the portal!

SHIRO: Coran, this is Allura! I’m in the black lion with Shiro, heading towards Pidge.

CORAN: Thank the heavens above!

KEITH: Coran, we’re all on different planets. Do either you or Allura know which ones?

CORAN: Hmm, lets see.

SHIRO: Strange, I have no recollection of this particular planet. 

CORAN: Neither do I. Most peculiar.

HUNK: Fantastic

PIDGE: it’s fine, i know where all the planets are, we can track you all down

PIDGE: though it looks like the black lion is the only one running properly

LANCE: yeah, Blue is still ignoring me and Red looks like she wants to eat me.

KEITH: How is that different from usual?

LANCE: ha.

HUNK: My lion’s rebooting, it could take awhile

PIDGE: same with mine

SHIRO: Alright paladins, listen up!

SHIRO: We’re going to spend the night on these planets. They’re orbiting the same star, and according to Pidge’s screens, are somewhat within the same time range. Tomorrow the lions will be ready for flight. We shall find our way back to the castle from there. The planet setup is Lance and Keith, Hunk and Coran, and I’m with Shiro and Pidge. We need to stick together for safety.

HUNK: Allura’s plan is pretty solid

PIDGE: agreed

LANCE: i’m always a slut for allura’s plans.

KEITH: Stop.

CORAN: And we’re absolutely sure that none of us are alone on our planets, correct?

HUNK: Yup, we got the buddy system going on

LANCE: or in pidge’s case, two parent chaperones. 

PIDGE: i’m _fourteen_ i can take Care Of Myself

KEITH: Yesterday you accidentally drank out of a potted plant.

LANCE: i believe that’s what they call a “level 200 vegan”.

PIDGE: @red lion plz eat lance

HUNK: We should set about making shelter and getting food for the night

CORAN: I shall leave to hunt us some dinner, Hunk! In the meantime, you build a shelter.

HUNK: Gotcha

PIDGE: allura, i’m gonna stay in my lion until you and shiro get here

ALLURA: Understood.

LANCE: i’m pretty good up in this tree, and i’ve got tons of snacks stored in Blue.

KEITH: What about me?

LANCE: you’ll be fine, you lived in the desert for a year.

KEITH: Yeah. I had a roof over my head and a steady food supply.

LANCE: why don’t you brain-talk Red into getting you some food?

LANCE: oh yeah, that’s right!

LANCE: you can’t.

LANCE: because you can’t brain-talk with Red.

LANCE: _because you’re not telepathic._

KEITH: Really?

KEITH: Whatever. I can go a night without eating, it’ll be fine.

KEITH: I guess.

LANCE: …

HUNK: Lance

LANCE: what.

HUNK: Play nice

LANCE: ugh _FINE_

LANCE: i have enough mini donuts in Blue to share once you make it to the tree. How far away are you?

KEITH: Probably around an hour walk.

LANCE: or a fifteen minute run.

KEITH: Walk.

LANCE: run.

KEITH: Walk.

LANCE: run.

KEITH: WALK.

LANCE: RUN.

PIDGE: for fucks’ sake if you’re gonna argue like this go make a subgroup for it

**[LANCE] created the subgroup [KEITH IS FUCKING RUNNING HIS STUPID ASS OVER HERE]**

**[LANCE] invited [KEITH] to the subgroup [KEITH IS FUCKING RUNNING HIS STUPID ASS OVER HERE]**

HUNK: Wow

**[KEITH] changed subgroup name from [KEITH IS FUCKING RUNNING HIS STUPID ASS OVER HERE] to [NO HE’S FUCKING NOT]**

**[LANCE] changed subgroup name from [NO HE’S FUCKING NOT] to [YOU BET THE FUCK HE IS]**

ALLURA: I see their pettiness knows no bounds.

LANCE: i prefer the terms “stubborn” and “goal oriented”.

KEITH: “Dickish”.

LANCE: thank you.

KEITH: You’re welcome.

PIDGE: that’s it, i’m out

PIDGE: allura, message me personally when you guys get close

**[PIDGE] went idle**

HUNK: This is going to be a long night, isn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO BE CONTINUED 
> 
> (づ￣ ³￣)づ
> 
> I personally call this chapter "shit I wrote at 3:41 in the morning".
> 
> What do you guys think? What's gonna happen next chapter? How much gayer can Pidge get?


	5. The Incident pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET READY FOR UNEXPECTED ANGST IN A SHIT-POST FIC.
> 
> SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THERE IS ANGST HERE. FAIR WARNING.

**[CORAN] created subgroup [CORAN AND HUNK]**

**[CORAN] invited [HUNK] to subgroup [CORAN AND HUNK]**

**[HUNK] opened subgroup [CORAN AND HUNK]**

CORAN: Hunk, I’ve created a private subgroup so that we can stay in touch without alerting the others.

HUNK: Good idea!

HUNK: Found any food yet?

CORAN: Nope! Nothing but gray stone as far as the eye can see. It’s strange, I don’t recognize this planet. 

HUNK: Haha, yeah, strange

HUNK: Terrifying

HUNK: But mostly strange

CORAN: Not to worry, Hunk. You’re in the hands of one of Altea’s greatest! Nothing will happen while I’m aroudlfjlkdfjldkjladsksjfds

HUNK: Coran?!

HUNK: Coran are you ok?

HUNK: CORAN

CORAN: I’m fine! No worries! Everything’s is absolutely fine!

HUNK: What happened?!

CORAN: Well, I was concentrating on messaging you, and consequently, I did not see a nearbyboulder.

CORAN: Which I then ran into.

HUNK: Are you hurt?

CORAN: HAH! How laughable! HAH! It would take a lot more than that to best Coraldfnkwnl wenfllkj

HUNK: Uh, Coran?

CORAN: There are a surprisingly large number of boulders in my general vicinity.

HUNK: Right

HUNK: Maybe you shouldn’t text and walk

CORAN: No, I think I’ve gotten the hang of it!

CORAN: You know, these rocky plains remind me of my youth back in Altea! When I was in training as one of the guard.

HUNK: Your youth?

CORAN: Yes, I was quite the ambitious lad. I wanted to follow in my father’s footsteps and serve my kingdom.

HUNK: Huh

CORAN: Does that surprise you?

HUNK: Not really

HUNK: It’s just hard to imagine you as teenager, must be the mustache

HUNK: Please continue

CORAN: I can remember my time in training. Alfor and I would get into such mischief, it would drive our superiors mad! Of course, him being the prince, we could get away with such things.

HUNK: You were friends with Allura’s dad?

CORAN: Oh yes! On nice days like this, we’d sneak out and drive our hover coasters into the desert together.

CORAN: Alfor was always the fastest, but I knew how to strategize. In that regard, we were evenly matched. We’d come back covered in scrapes and bruises, but our spirits high and our blood pumping! 

HUNK: Sounds fun!

CORAN: Oh ho, it was!

CORAN: It certainly was.

CORAN: Yes.

CORAN: Hmm.

HUNK: Something wrong?

CORAN: No. I was just thinking. The sun is starting to set.

CORAN: Sunsets on Altea are always a sight to behold. My mum liked to watch them with me when I was a boy. It’s truly beautiful, the nature of the world, especially when seen through the eyes of one who barely understands it. It looked like magic to me.

CORAN: An amazing woman, my mum. She knew all the stars and solar systems in the sky. I could listen to her for hours. 

CORAN: I seemed to have lost the time for such things as I got older.

CORAN: Strange, the things we remember.

HUNK: Oh

HUNK: Yeah, I guess so

CORAN: But look at me! Prattling on like an old fool! Now’s the time to find food for the night! Let’s get to it!!!

HUNK: Coran?

CORAN: Yes, my boy?

HUNK: Are you alright?

CORAN: Never better!

HUNK: Ok

HUNK: You know, I think a lot about the people I miss too

HUNK: My mom is pretty cool too, she’s practically taught me everything I know

HUNK: My other mom, I call her momma, is a bit of a klutz. She could burn water

HUNK: She’s sweet, though. Always encourages me to dream big. She’s the one who got me interested in flying for the garrison

CORAN: Do you miss your mothers?

HUNK: Yeah. Everyday

HUNK: But that’s ok, you know? It’s ok to say that, that I miss them

CORAN: I’ve never heard you speak of them, they sound wonderful.

HUNK: Yeah, well, I’ve got to stay strong for the others

CORAN: The others?

HUNK: Yeah

HUNK: I mean, Lance is homesick pretty much all of the time. He’s got a big family, HUGE

HUNK: Like, they could form their own city-state

HUNK: So Lance has a hard time adjusting to all of this. I’ve got to be there for him

HUNK: Then there’s Pidge, and it wouldn’t be fair to talk about my family when she’s missing her own

HUNK: And I don’t think Keith really knows what a family is

HUNK: Shiro's got his own issues to focus on (soooo many issues)

HUNK: The last thing I’d want to be is a burden on everybody, you know? So I gotta support people. If anyone has a problem, they can come to me

CORAN: And what if you have a problem? Who could you go to?

HUNK: I can handle myself

CORAN: I’m sure you can, but nevertheless, it’s a big burden to carry other’s problems for them.

HUNK: Well what about you?

CORAN: What do you mean?

HUNK: This is the first I’ve seen you talk about your old planet. Sounds like you’re carrying a lot of secret angst there, bud

CORAN: My circumstances are very different, I assure you.

HUNK: Really?

CORAN: Of course! I have to put Princess Allura first. She carries the entire burden of Voltron on her shoulders. The loss of her father and kingdom is almost too much, I need to be strong for her.

HUNK: Ok, but you lost a lot too

HUNK: King Alfor was a very good friend of yours, from what I can guess

CORAN: King Alfor was…

CORAN: He was much more than a good friend. To me, at least.

HUNK: Oh, I see

HUNK: I’m so sorry for your loss

CORAN: It’s alright.

CORAN: Hmm.

CORAN: That’s a strange response, isn’t it? “It’s alright?” 

HUNK: It’s ok to say you’re not alright, no one would ever think less of you

CORAN: Of course.

HUNK: Hey Coran

HUNK: If you ever need somebody to talk to about anything

HUNK: Please talk to me?

CORAN: I will…consider it.

CORAN: I hope you will do the same with me.

CORAN: You shouldn’t feel responsible for your friend’s problems, my boy. You should think of yourself.

HUNK: Yeah, I guess so

HUNK: Voltron support high five?

CORAN: Voltron support high five.

HUNK: I’ve started a fire back here by my lion, don’t worry about finding food if it gets too late

CORAN: Alright, I’ll head back in a bit.

HUNK: Cool

:

:

:

**[PIDGE] created subgroup [PIDGE AND FRIENDS]**

**[PIDGE] invited [ALLURA] and [SHIRO] to subgroup [PIDGE AND FRIENDS]**

**[SHIRO] opened subgroup [PIDGE AND FRIENDS]**

SHIRO: Why the subgroup? We’re near each other.

PIDGE: just in case we get separated

SHIRO: Nice thinking.

PIDGE: i know

SHIRO: Also, thanks for fixing my helmet.

PIDGE: ٩ʕ•͡×•ʔ۶

**[ALLURA] opened subgroup [PIDGE AND FRIENDS]**

ALLURA: Pidge, do you know if the green lion has any blankets in the security storage?

PIDGE: security storage?

ALLURA: Yes, all the lions have emergency provisions in case of incidents such as these.

ALLURA: It’s getting chilly, we could all use some blankets.

PIDGE: gotcha, i’ll go check

ALLURA: Thank you!

SHIRO: Emergency provisions?

**[PIDGE] went idle**

**[ALLURA] created subgroup [SECRET]**

**[ALLURA] invited [SHIRO] to subgroup [SECRET]**

**[SHIRO] opened subgroup [SECRET]**

SHIRO: What? Huh?

ALLURA: I want to talk to you about something, and I don’t want Pidge to overhear or read. Not that I don’t like Pidge, but this is something private. It might make her uncomfortable.

SHIRO: Oh. Alright.

SHIRO: Princess, is something wrong?

ALLURA: In a way, yes.

ALLURA: Shiro, I wanted to apologize for any discomfort I might have caused you earlier.

SHIRO: Uh, princess, you weren’t the one who threw me through a wormhole onto a strange planet.

SHIRO: Wait, you didn’t, right?

ALLURA: No, I’m referring to Pidge’s tally. The one cataloging…the…um…

SHIRO: Oh.

SHIRO: _OH_ that! That tally!

ALLURA: Yes, the number of times I’ve stared at your…

SHIRO: YES! Right!

ALLURA: You see, this is what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to apologize.

SHIRO: Huh?

ALLURA: I’m sorry if I made you feel any discomfort. I was not thinking of your feelings during my, erm, _observations._ I don’t want you to feel objectified or mistreated.

SHIRO: I don’t feel either of those things. If anything, I was surprised that you noticed me in that way.

ALLURA: What do you mean?

SHIRO: Well, uh, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.

ALLURA: I don’t believe you could ever do such a thing.

SHIRO: It’s just, you’re a space princess. And, you’re amazing, and beautiful, and strong, and scary smart, and…

SHIRO: Um…

SHIRO: I’m sorry.

ALLURA: No! Please, go on.

SHIRO: You're just completely out of my league.

ALLURA: League?

SHIRO: I mean, I wouldn’t have thought it possible that someone as wonderful as you could be interested in me, in any way?

ALLURA: Hmm.

ALLURA: I see.

SHIRO: Yeah.

ALLURA: Might I offer a solution to this situation?

SHIRO: Uh, sure?

ALLURA: May I kiss you?

SHIRO: WHAT.

SHIRO: HUH?

ALLURA: I’m sorry, oh, I didn’t mean to—

SHIRO: YES.

ALLURA: What?

SHIRO: Yes. You can. You can kiss me.

SHIRO: Yes.

ALLURA: Oh!

ALLURA: That’s great!

SHIRO: Yup.

SHIRO: Pretty great!

ALLURA: In that case…

**[SHIRO] went idle**

**[ALLURA] went idle**

**[PIDGE] opened subgroup [PIDGE AND FRIENDS]**

PIDGE: hey guys so i found a couple of blankets and cracker things so i think oh mY _GOD!!??!!_

**[ALLURA] opened subgroup [PIDGE AND FRIENDS]**

ALLURA: Pidge! You’re back!

PIDGE: WHAT WAS THAT??!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED??!!

ALLURA: Pidge, please calm down!

PIDGE: I JUST

PIDGE: WHAT THE

PIDGE: JESUS SHIT CHRIST

PIDGE: i need to tell the others

ALLURA: **_NO._**

PIDGE: uh oh

ALLURA: Don’t you dare!

PIDGE: ok _gotta blast_

ALLURA: GET BACK HERE!

**[PIDGE] went idle**

**[ALLURA] went idle**

**[SHIRO] opened subgroup [PIDGE AND FRIENDS]**

SHIRO: This has…

SHIRO: This has been a strange day for me.

:

:

:

**[LANCE] opened subgroup [YOU BET THE FUCK HE IS]**

LANCE: i’m bored.

KEITH: Thanks for letting me know.

LANCE: you’re taking forever.

KEITH: Somehow, I don’t care.

LANCE: wooooow sassy keith makes an appearance.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: you know, every once in awhile you get all sarcastic. it’s fun. you make the best jokes then.

KEITH: Thank…you?

LANCE: you’re still slow as shit though.

KEITH: Lance. You can surely entertain yourself, right?

LANCE: haha is that a trick question?

KEITH: Forget it.

LANCE: so do you keep anything in Red? I keep stuff in Blue.

KEITH: Not really. I don’t want to clutter her up.

LANCE: you two are pretty tight.

KEITH: Yeah, she’s easy to understand.

LANCE: that’s cool.

LANCE: you sure you don’t keep anything in her?

KEITH: Lance, you’re not allowed to break into my lion.

LANCE: why???

KEITH: First of all, she would kill you. Second of all, I would kill you. Third of all, you won’t find anything.

LANCE: fine. bet there’s nothing in there but empty hair gel bottles anyways.

KEITH: I don’t use gel, why do you guys all think I use gel?

LANCE: wishful thinking.

LANCE: something’s gotta tame that mane.

KEITH: My hair is fine the way it is, thank you.

LANCE: in twenty years, i’m going to force you to look back at your own words, and i will watch you cry.

KEITH: That’s assuming we both survive twenty years.

LANCE: ha! true! sassy keith strikes again!

KEITH: Haha.

LANCE: aaaaand moment’s over.

KEITH: Shut up.

LANCE: hey, the sun’s setting. it’s really pretty.

LANCE: how big do you think this forest is?

KEITH: No.

LANCE: what?

KEITH: No, you can’t go exploring.

LANCE: aw come on, it’s a planet we haven’t seen before!

KEITH: I don’t care. No exploring.

LANCE: you see, i understand what you’re trying to say, but I don’t like it.

KEITH: …And?

LANCE: aaaaand i’m not going to follow your instructions.

KEITH: Lance, come on, we need to stay put.

LANCE: i mean, do we really tho?

KEITH: Yes! Everyone would be worried if we disappeared!

LANCE: right, everyone would be worried if _you_ disappeared.

KEITH: Yes, and you.

LANCE: psssh, i’m fine. they’re not gonna worry about me.

KEITH: Huh?

LANCE: dude, it’s not like anyone cares lmao.

KEITH: What do you mean by that?

LANCE: nothing lol.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: forget it. hey, the leaves on this tree look pretty cool up close.

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: for real tho, like, they have little purple veins.

KEITH: What do you mean by “it’s not like anyone cares”?

LANCE: dude, i said forget it. 

KEITH: What, you want me to just ignore that?!

LANCE: yeah! it shouldn’t be that hard! ya’ll ignore whatever the fuck i say anyways!

KEITH: What?!

LANCE: fucking _shit._

KEITH: Lance.

KEITH: You seem upset.

KEITH: Lance.

KEITH: Lance?

KEITH: Are you still there?

LANCE: no.

KEITH: Look, just tell me why you’re upset.

**[LANCE] went idle**

KEITH: Lance!

KEITH: Don’t ignore me! 

KEITH: What the hell, Lance?!

KEITH: I’m almost at the tree, I can see the lions, I know you’re there.

KEITH: LANCE.

KEITH: We’re the only two people on this planet, you will literally have no one to talk to besides me.

KEITH: Well, and Blue, I guess.

KEITH: And maybe Red. If she’ll listen.

KEITH: I think she likes you, actually.

KEITH: So besides me and Blue and Red you will have no one else to talk to.

KEITH: Yeah.

**[LANCE] opened subgroup [YOU BET THE FUCK HE IS]**

LANCE: you done yet?

KEITH: I’m at the base of the tree, can you come down here?

LANCE: no.

KEITH: You can’t or you won’t?

LANCE: both.

KEITH: Oh, come on, Lance.

KEITH: I can hear your voice inside the blue lion.

KEITH: Just come down, it’s probably safer down here than in the tree.

LANCE: no. you’re going to try to talk about my feelings and shit.

KEITH: Yeah! I am!

LANCE: why?

KEITH: Because

KEITH: Because we need to! As paladins! You’re upset, we need to bond so we can figure this out.

LANCE: we literally do not have to do that.

KEITH: Yes we do!

LANCE: you know what, i’m good up here. i’ve got snacks, i’ve got my girl Blue, i’m fine.

LANCE: it’s lit.

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: no.

KEITH: We need to talk.

LANCE: haha no.

KEITH: Please?

LANCE: no.

LANCE: that’s “no” in spanish.

KEITH: I can see you up there! You’re sitting on top of Blue!

LANCE: yeah. hi.

KEITH: Talk to me!

LANCE: lemme check with Blue.

LANCE: she says no.

KEITH: Get down from there!

KEITH: BOND WITH ME, YOU DICK!

LANCE: keith, i’m gonna ask you something.

LANCE: why do you really want me to explain why i’m upset?

LANCE: tell the truth.

KEITH: The truth.

LANCE: yeah.

LANCE: we both know it’s not because of any bullshit bonding.

LANCE: so _why._

KEITH: I don’t…

KEITH: FUCK!

KEITH: I don’t know!

LANCE: seriously?

LANCE: that’s real fucking rich, keith.

KEITH: I’m serious. 

KEITH: I don’t understand you.

LANCE: lmao what.

KEITH: I mean,

KEITH: Shit.

KEITH: Sorry.

KEITH: I’m not very good at talking to people.

LANCE: in other news, the sky’s blue.

KEITH: …Right.

LANCE: dude, i don’t care. like, i know i give you a lot of shit, but you can be straight with me.

LANCE: heheh, “be straight with me”.

LANCE: don’t act like those jokes are beneath you, keith. i can see you smiling.

KEITH: …

KEITH: It’s kinda funny.

LANCE: see? you’re talking now, no problemo.

KEITH: THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE!

LANCE: _holy shit what?!_

KEITH: That’s why I don’t understand you!

KEITH: One second I think you’re just messing with me or joking around, but then the next second you’re nice and insightful and you make me smile and…and…I DON’T KNOW!

LANCE: dude.

LANCE: chill.

KEITH: I WILL NOT! 

LANCE: why the hell are you getting so worked up??? i’m really not that hard to understand.

KEITH: What.

LANCE: lol i’m not exactly a “multi-faceted person”.

KEITH: What.

LANCE: ok ok, so you know how shiro is, like, super awesome and brave and anime protagonist worthy?

KEITH: Uh, I think so?

LANCE: and then there’s allura, and shit where do i even begin?? i mean she’s beautiful and scary as all shit, super smart and strong willed and just Amazing.

LANCE: coran’s fucking awesome, he knows so much about space, and everyone respects him.

LANCE: and pidge is the smartest little shit i’ve come to know. she could take down governments if she wanted to. no wonder she’s shiro’s favorite.

LANCE: hunk is just the best person in the fucking universe, everyone loves the hell out of him, i’ve never heard someone say they dislike anything about him. he’s the absolute best, i love him.

LANCE: then there’s you. 

KEITH: Me?

LANCE: yeah, you’re the hero of this fucking story. i mean, look at you! you’re one of the best pilots i’ve ever seen! and your combat skills??? what the ever loving fuck?????

KEITH: I thought you hated me.

LANCE: dude, i used to want to _be_ you! back at the garrison you were the constant reminder of all my failings. i only got in because you dropped out of the pilot program! 

LANCE: i mean, i hero worshiped you at one point. and shiro. wow.

KEITH: I don’t…really?

LANCE: yeah. 

LANCE: but whatever.

LANCE: just look at this team, keith. where the hell do i fit in?

KEITH: What do you mean? You’re the blue paladin!

LANCE: lol yeah, barely.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: look, it’s no big secret that i’m a bit of a joke. i’m not an idiot, i can see how little i bring to the team. it’s not a problem, just fact. 

LANCE: like, i know i’m annoying. i know i fuck up a lot, but that’s sort of my job, i guess. 

LANCE: shiro doesn’t listen to me. not like he does for the rest of you. you know, he’s never given me a compliment? on like, anything? it’s only ever “shut up, lance” or “stop that, lance” or “now’s not the time, lance”

LANCE: i’m so sick of being brushed to one side, but i guess it’s fucking appropriate.

LANCE: after all, we gotta have an expendable link to the team, right? might as well be me lol.

LANCE: uh, keith, what are you doing?

LANCE: keith?

LANCE: holy shit KEITH.

LANCE: don’t fucking climb up here you’re going to fall!

KEITH: No I’m not.

LANCE: yes you are!!! stop it you’ll get hurt!!!

KEITH: Red, a little help?

LANCE: what are you OH _MY FUCKING_ ** _GOD!!_**

LANCE: **_DID YOU JUST??_**

LANCE: **_DID RED JUST???_**

LANCE: did Red just pick you up into the tree with her mouth?

KEITH: Yes.

LANCE: but

KEITH: LISTEN.

LANCE: ok.

KEITH: I lied to you, when I first spoke to you. I said I didn’t remember you.

KEITH: I did, though. 

KEITH: You were super outgoing. You would just go up to people and start conversations without any problems. And you told jokes. Which I thought were kinda funny.

KEITH: But I was dealing with my own shit, and I didn’t want to start anything with you, but I watched you.

KEITH: Not in a creepy way, I just sort of, grew more aware of you? Yeah.

KEITH: I always admired how brave you were in those situations, surrounded by people but completely at ease. I would give anything to be like that. 

KEITH: You have amazing qualities, qualities that you bring to Voltron and, just, other people in general. I know this may sound hollow coming from me, but you hold this team together.

KEITH: For fuck’s sake, we wouldn’t talk to each other if it wasn’t for you.

LANCE: what?

KEITH: Look at us! We’re all messes. When we first showed up to the castle, Hunk was scared to death, Pidge was only focussed on finding her brother, Allura was grieving and trying to force us to form Voltron, Coran was worried about Allura, Shiro was trying to look tough for the rest of us, and I…

KEITH: I mean,

KEITH: I just don’t like talking to people. Period.

LANCE: i don’t believe that.

KEITH: Of course _you_ don’t. I like talking to _you._

LANCE: noooooo, what????

KEITH: Yeah. You make things easy.

KEITH: Like, you’ll tell a stupid joke, or flirt with Allura, or come up with a game. You suck all the tension out of the room. 

LANCE: but you guys don’t like it when i joke or flirt or fuck around.

KEITH: I’d be lying if I said I absolutely loved it, but if you ever stopped, we’d all go off into our little corners and shut each other out.

KEITH: You bring us together. I know this. 

KEITH: And I’m only going to say this once, don’t make me regret it, but you’re a fucking amazing pilot. Crazy, but amazing.

LANCE: i

LANCE: ok.

KEITH: You deserve to be the blue paladin, and you deserve our respect. I’m sorry that we’ve made you feel like this.

KEITH: But I don’t want you EVER talking about yourself as if you’re worthless, you fucking hear me?! That shit is going to stop right the fuck now. You mean a lot to all of us, Lance. Don’t ever sell yourself short. I will take that as a personal offense, you piece of shit.

LANCE: “don’t sell yourself short, you piece of shit”.

LANCE: i like that.

KEITH: And Lance?

LANCE: yeah?

KEITH: For the record, I’d care if you disappear.

LANCE: oh.

LANCE: oh, i see what you’re doing.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: you’re bringing this whole pep talk back to the comment that started it all. very nice. very 80’s movie worthy.

KEITH: You’re listening to me, right? Do you understand what I’m saying?

LANCE: yeah. yeah, i do, the only thing that’s keeping me from crying right now is making jokes so whoop whoop emotional avoidance here i come.

KEITH: …Why are you pointing finger guns at me?

LANCE: i don’t know. seemed appropriate.

LANCE: pew pew.

KEITH: Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

LANCE: man, it’s cool. thanks for saying all that. i, uh, i really needed to hear it.

LANCE: i gotta ask though, why did you lie to me when we first talked?

KEITH: Oh. Uh.

KEITH: Hunk was there.

LANCE: …

LANCE: what.

KEITH: I mean, I didn’t want to say, “I’ve been watching you for most of a year” in front of your boyfriend.

LANCE: _what._

KEITH: But you two seem pretty serious, so I know saying it wouldn’t cause a problem.

LANCE: question.

LANCE: why the fuck do you think hunk and i are dating?

KEITH: Uh.

KEITH: Is that a trick question?

LANCE: _no????_

KEITH: Wait, are you not dating?

LANCE: _no?????!!!!_

KEITH: What?

KEITH: Then why do you act like you are?

LANCE: WHAT.

KEITH: Oh come on, you two are always saying you love each other.

LANCE: as **bros**. that’s what **bros** do. 

KEITH: Bros express their undying love for each other on a daily basis?

LANCE: Y E S.

KEITH: But you’re always complimenting each other! The other day you made a comment about his ass!

LANCE: psssh yeah he’s my friend but i’m not blind. i mean, have you _seen_ that booty???

KEITH: And then Hunk stroked your cheek and said you were soft and beautiful.

LANCE: because my glow was slaying that day, he had every right to say that.

KEITH: But

KEITH: I mean

KEITH: _What?_

LANCE: ok man, just because hunk and i are both attracted to dudes, doesn’t mean we must date.

KEITH: No! I know that! But you two act like you’re some sort of prom king and queen!

LANCE: ooo wait i like that, imma tell hunk.

KEITH: SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

LANCE: dude. hunk is dating shay. he literally said that in the other chat.

KEITH: I know.

KEITH: I just thought you guys were all dating each other? Or that you were dating Hunk and Hunk was dating you and Shay and you were cool with it???

LANCE: huh.

LANCE: for a guy with a mullet who lived in a desert hermit shack for a year, you’re pretty open minded.

KEITH: For the last time, IT WAS NOT A HERMIT SHACK.

LANCE: lmao it totally was.

LANCE: you had a storage area full of canned beans.

KEITH: You know what? I’m not going to continue this argument. Are you or are you not dating Hunk and slash or Shay?

LANCE: did you

LANCE: did you just say “and slash or” out loud?

KEITH: Yeah? That’s something people do?

LANCE: sure, boring people who are going through mid-life crises. like shiro.

KEITH: Shiro isn’t middle aged.

LANCE: he uses terms like “and slash or” he basically is. 

KEITH: ANSWER THE QUESTION.

LANCE: i’m not dating either hunk or shay! i’ve already said this!

LANCE: god, why do you wanna know so much anyways?

KEITH: It’s the principle of the thing!

LANCE: keith, i’m single as fuck.

KEITH: Okay.

LANCE: right.

KEITH: Yeah.

LANCE: cool.

KEITH: I’m single too.

LANCE: dude, i _know._

KEITH: How do you know?

LANCE: keith, the only datable options you have are hunk, some alien guy, or me.

LANCE: you’re not gonna date hunk because he’s head over heels in love with his super cool girlfriend.

LANCE: seriously, shay is the coolest.

LANCE: and we’d all know if you were dating an alien guy because you’re horrible at keeping secrets.

KEITH: No I’m not.

LANCE: well you’re horrible at keeping secrets from _me._

KEITH: I highly doubt that!

KEITH: Haha!

LANCE: …were you laughing or squeaking in pain just then?

KEITH: I don’t know.

LANCE: right. moving on.

LANCE: i think we both know you don’t want to date me lol. so you’re not dating anyone.

KEITH: Right! 

KEITH: Haha!

LANCE: keith, that’s starting to freak me out.

KEITH: Yeah, uh, I think I might be allergic?

LANCE: to what?

KEITH: Something.

LANCE: …

LANCE: ok.

LANCE: are you alright? you look very sweaty.

KEITH: I’m fine. It’s good.

LANCE: oh shit, you must be tired, it’s getting pretty late.

KEITH: Yeah. I’m tired. That’s it.

LANCE: i’m gonna sleep in Blue. the lions have heaters so we won’t be cold.

KEITH: Good idea.

LANCE: cool. i’ll check in with the others very quick.

LANCE: oh.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: the, uh, talk to text function on our helmets was still working. everything’s recorded on our subchat.

KEITH: Oh.

LANCE: yeah.

KEITH: It doesn’t bother me. Does it bother you?

LANCE: no, i guess not.

KEITH: It’s good. Whenever you need a pick-me-up, you can just scroll up and remind yourself that we care about you.

LANCE: that’s true.

LANCE: thanks, keith.

KEITH: No problem.

LANCE: i mean it. thank you.

KEITH: …

KEITH: You’re welcome.

LANCE: welp, i’m turning in for the night, how about you?

KEITH: Yeah, in a moment. I just need to fix a few things on my helmet and stuff.

LANCE: cool. goodnight, mullet man.

KEITH: Goodnight.

**[LANCE] went idle]**

KEITH: _Fuck._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( 。・_・。)人(。・_・。 )
> 
> Sooo, I know this got kinda depressing, but everything's still cool! There's jokes! There's memes! There's awkward Keith! WOOOO.
> 
> What did ya think? Your comments are always a joy!


	6. The Incident pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i should be sleeping now HA WHO AM I KIDDING GOTTA UPDATE THIS FIC

PIDGE: hey guys good morning are you ready to go home shiro and allura kissed

SHIRO: _PIDGE._

PIDGE: the lions are all charged up so we should leave soon 

KEITH: What.

PIDGE: we still have residual worm hole trace, the return trip should be relatively easy

KEITH: What.

HUNK: Holy **shit**

PIDGE: the black lion should lead the pack, since it will be carrying allura and she will power our path

HUNK: Hold up hold the FUCK UP

CORAN: Kissing?

ALLURA: This…this will not end well, will it?

PIDGE: nah my plan’s pretty solid the wormhole should work

ALLURA: That is not what I meant.

HUNK: Did I just lose my fucking mind or did Pidge say that Allura and Shiro kissed

CORAN: Hunk, you seem agitated.

HUNK: Somebody give me answers or I start swinging

KEITH: You can’t exactly hurt anyone when you’re on a different planet.

HUNK: _Try Me Bitch_

KEITH: Wow.

PIDGE: everyone boot up your lions

PIDGE: fun fact: shiro and allura macked faces behind the black lion

PIDGE: isn’t that fantastic and interesting

KEITH: “Macked faces”?

SHIRO: Pidge! This is not the time or place!

PIDGE: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm _hypocritical much_ hmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM

ALLURA: She is currently vibrating at an alarming frequency.

HUNK: So this is confirmed???

HUNK: They kissed???

HUNK: That actually happened???

SHIRO: No!

ALLURA: No comment.

PIDGE: yes-sir-ree-fucking-bob

HUNK: **_FUCK_**

KEITH: Here we go.

HUNK: Where’s Lance

KEITH: Asleep in his lion.

HUNK: **_@LANCE WAKE THE FUCK UP_**

HUNK: **_@LANCE SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED_**

CORAN: Well that’s very subjective.

HUNK: **_@LANCE BUDDY WHERE ARE YOU_**

HUNK: @ ** _LANCE YOU BETTER GET YOUR BONEY BROWN ASS OUT OF BED RIGHT THE FUCK NOW BECAUSE SOME SERIOUS SHIT JUST WENT DOWN_**

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: ok first of all my ass is not boney.

PIDGE: lol it’s practically the definition of boney

LANCE: i prefer the term _“contoured”._

KEITH: Why is this my life.

PIDGE: oh come on keith, surely you have something to add to a conversation about lance’s ass

**[KEITH] went idle**

PIDGE: dammit

HUNK: Lance

LANCE: yo.

HUNK: Scroll up

LANCE: k.

SHIRO: Lance, please don’t get upset.

LANCE: lol i don’t see what’s so spe—

LANCE: well.

LANCE: shiro. what the fuck.

SHIRO: Oh.

SHIRO: You’re…taking this easier than I though you would.

LANCE: ¡mira qué cabrón! _que te den por culo_

HUNK: Lance, buddy

LANCE: **_¡QUE TE DEN POR CULO!_**

HUNK: OKIEDOKIE BRO 

**[LANCE] went idle**

HUNK: Not gonna lie, I kinda like it when he talks dirty

PIDGE: gay

HUNK: I guess you would know

PIDGE: ( ˘ ³˘)♥

**[KEITH] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

KEITH: There is a lot of spanish coming from the blue lion right now.

ALLURA: This is unnecessary. All of this. I like Shiro in a romantic and sexual way, and he likes me in a romantic and sexual way.

SHIRO: I’m gonna go boot up the black lion now.

**[SHIRO] went idle**

ALLURA: Why is there such a fuss?

KEITH: Yeah, this all seems pretty melodramatic.

HUNK: Says the dude who started ugly sobbing when Pidge told us her theory of alien dinosaurs 

KEITH: I wasn’t crying.

KEITH: I was excreting water from my eyes.

HUNK: That’s crying

KEITH: You’re crying.

HUNK: What

KEITH: What.

CORAN: I do not understand why Lance would be upset about this.

PIDGE: he’s had a huge crush on allura for ages

HUNK: I guess you would know

PIDGE: 눈_눈

KEITH: He’s always flirting with her.

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: ok, i’m gonna clear some things up here.

LANCE: when i first met allura i “liked” her.

LANCE: but then she sat me down and told me no. she’s too old for me, she doesn’t like me like that, it wouldn’t work, all that stuff.

LANCE: any flirting from then on was purely ironic.

ALLURA: This is true! Lance and I became close once the flirting wasn’t taken seriously.

LANCE: i’ll take you seriously any time you want, hun. ლζ*♡ε♡*ζლ

ALLURA: Looking forward to it, darling. (๑♡3♡๑)

KEITH: What just happened.

PIDGE: this proves the multiverse theory

KEITH: I’m confused.

HUNK: Quote of the century I SAID IT FIRST I WIN

PIDGE: quote of the DAMMIT

LANCE: allura and i have been shit talking buddies for quite some time now.

HUNK: Yeah, they judge everybody. It’s sort of scary.

KEITH: So this whole time it’s been an inside joke??? That you have a crush on Allura???

KEITH: _It wasn’t real???_

LANCE: dude, you thought i was dating hunk.

HUNK: What

PIDGE: lol what

KEITH: But I thought you

KEITH: I mean

KEITH: I need a moment.

**[KEITH] went idle**

HUNK: Quoteofthecentury _HA_

PIDGE: quote of SHIT FUCKING SHIT

HUNK: TWO FOR TWO PIDGE YOU CAN’T KEEP UP

PIDGE: curse you

ALLURA: Is Keith alright?

LANCE: the red lion just spouted some flames.

LANCE: the leaves of our tree caught fire.

LANCE: i guess this might as well happen.

LANCE: IF EITHER OF YOU SAY QUOTE OF THE CENTURY I AM BANNING IT FROM THIS CHAT.

HUNK: Quote o

PIDGE: quo

HUNK: Damn he’s a fast typer

PIDGE: speed of fucking light

LANCE: i was upset because i didn’t know first! allura didn’t tell me about the kiss. and shiro didn’t bother to shoot me a text.

LANCE: i. need. to. know. these. things.

PIDGE: why

LANCE: _because fuck you that’s why._

PIDGE: weak and overused comeback, 4/10

CORAN: Allura.

ALLURA: Yes?

CORAN: I’d like to speak with you.

ALLURA: Yes, what is it?

CORAN: No, I’d like to speak with you in private. Once we have arrived at the castle.

ALLURA: Oh.

ALLURA: …Of course.

LANCE: ooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOO

HUNK: The drama

HUNK: I live for it

PIDGE: wait lance didn’t you say that your tree is on fire?

LANCE: oh yeah.

PIDGE: did you forget???

LANCE: no.

HUNK: Yes you did

LANCE: maybe.

LANCE: fuck.

LANCE: FUCK.

HUNK: Alright calm down, just have Blue spray water at the flames

LANCE: right! remaining calm!

LANCE: come on Blue let’s fucking go!

**[KEITH] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

KEITH: Sorry about that earlier, I was just having a WHATTHEHELLSPPBBBTTTTHHHHSSTOOPPSTOPPPPLANCENOSPPPPBBBTTHH

LANCE: whoopsiedaisy.

PIDGE: what did you do

LANCE: the good news is the fire’s out.

PIDGE: and…?

LANCE: the other good news is keith looks like a pissed off cat when he’s all wet.

HUNK: Might I request a photograph? 

LANCE: of course, my good man.

KEITH: LANCE NO.

LANCE: [attached img: WetAndEmo.png]

HUNK: Exquisite

PIDGE: screenshot whoop whoop

KEITH: Allura, can I put in a notice to resign from Voltron?

ALLURA: No.

KEITH: Ok.

PIDGE: get rekt

HUNK: Are we gonna go home anytime soon? I low key could use a shower

LANCE: keith just had one.

KEITH: Fuck you.

LANCE: not for free.

HUNK: Nice to see you two are getting along

LANCE: yeah, i’m sort of done with this planet.

LANCE: emotional drainage will do that to you haha.

HUNK: What?

LANCE: nothing.

HUNK: Lance

LANCE: shit.

HUNK: Did you have a Moment without me?

LANCE: no.

HUNK: You’re lying

LANCE: no i’m not.

HUNK: You totally are

KEITH: Hey, if Lance doesn’t want to talk about it, he shouldn’t have to.

LANCE: yeah. 

LANCE: thanks.

KEITH: No problem.

PIDGE: ok i wasn’t interested, but now i am.

PIDGE: what did you two do last night?

LANCE: what happens on strange otherworldly planets, stays on strange otherworldly planets.

HUNK: That probably sounded less gay in your head

LANCE: not possible.

ALLURA: I believe it is time for all of us to return to the castle. Pidge has set up the wormhole calculations, tell me when you’re all prepared.

KEITH: The red lion is ready.

HUNK: I’m good

CORAN: Awaiting your command!

PIDGE: good

LANCE: ready to worm that hole.

PIDGE: ew

ALLURA: Systems ready, firing!

LANCE: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

:

:

:

LANCE: ow.

HUNK: Yeah, kind of a rough landing

PIDGE: sorry, my calculations might have been a bit off

ALLURA: At least we’re safe.

HUNK: Keith crashed into the side of the castle

ALLURA: At least we’re alive.

KEITH: I’m good. Need some help getting down.

PIDGE: i gotchu

KEITH: Wait, PIDGE NO

PIDGE: oops

LANCE: what did you do?

PIDGE: i had my lion bite keith’s lion’s tail

PIDGE: but his lion freaked out

PIDGE: everything’s cool now, just a bit more damage to the castle

ALLURA: Fantastic.

KEITH: I’m going to bed.

**[KEITH] went idle**

ALLURA: That sounds like a splendid idea. I’m off to bed as well.

PIDGE: with or without shiro?

HUNK: Pidge, remember what we talked about? More subtlety?

PIDGE: sorry lemme try again

PIDGE: allura, are you gonna fuck shiro?

LANCE: perfect.

HUNK: This is why Zarkon hates us

LANCE: i’m like 76% sure he hates us for different reasons.

ALLURA: Pidge, I find that question to be very rude. I don't ask you about your sex life.

PIDGE: cuz the only other girl on this ship is rover and you don’t see me going to bed with her

LANCE: wait, rover’s a chick?

PIDGE: uh yeah?

HUNK: I knew that

ALLURA: Yes, Rover’s a girl.

CORAN: It’s quite obvious.

LANCE: god ** _dammit. not again._**

HUNK: What is gender anyway?

PIDGE: stupid

HUNK: True

ALLURA: I have not spoken to Shiro about the future, everything’s very new. So no, I will not be going to bed with him.

LANCE: shiro update: scrolling through the group chat and turning redder by the minute.

ALLURA: Fuck.

HUNK: ALLURA JUST SAID FUCK ALLURA JUST SAID FUCK

PIDGE: queen of saying fuck!

HUNK: QUEEN OF BEING ALLURA WHILE SHE IS SAYING FUCK

LANCE: leave carly rae jepson out of this.

HUNK: _Make me_

CORAN: Allura, before you head off to bed, would you mind meeting me on the control deck?

ALLURA: Of course, Coran.

LANCE: huh.

LANCE: methinks someone is about to have a bonding moment.

HUNK: I’m tired and sweaty, shower then bed for me

**[PIDGE] created subgroup [PALADIN CHAT BUT WITHOUT SHIRO BECAUSE HE’S OLD]**

**[PIDGE] invited [HUNK] to subgroup [PALADIN CHAT BUT WITHOUT SHIRO BECAUSE HE’S OLD]**

**[PIDGE] invited [LANCE] to subgroup [PALADIN CHAT BUT WITHOUT SHIRO BECAUSE HE’S OLD]**

**[PIDGE] invited [KEITH] to subgroup [PALADIN CHAT BUT WITHOUT SHIRO BECAUSE HE’S OLD]**

**[HUNK] opened subgroup [PALADIN CHAT BUT WITHOUT SHIRO BECAUSE HE’S OLD]**

HUNK: I guess no sleeping then

HUNK: Joy

PIDGE: listen up fives, a ten is speaking

**[LANCE] opened subgroup [PALADIN CHAT BUT WITHOUT SHIRO BECAUSE HE’S OLD]**

LANCE: ok at the _least_ i’m an eight and a half.

PIDGE: i’m willing to go seven

LANCE: seven point three.

PIDGE: deal

HUNK: You’re the only ten I see, Lanciepoo

LANCE: thanks bae but have you seen allura???

HUNK: Yeah, she’s a twelve

LANCE: fuck yeah she is.

PIDGE: @keith wake up we got important things to discuss

**[KEITH] opened subgroup [PALADIN CHAT BUT WITHOUT SHIRO BECAUSE HE’S OLD]**

KEITH: Whatever this is, I don’t want any part of it.

LANCE: he says as he enters the group chat and willingly becomes a part of it.

KEITH: I’m going back to bed.

LANCE: nooooo staaaaay.

KEITH: Why should I?

PIDGE: i’m giving you an opportunity to be petty

KEITH: …

KEITH: I’m listening.

HUNK: Atta boy

PIDGE: coran and allura are having a private conversation on the control deck

PIDGE: a conversation that could become very un-private very soon, if you catch my drift

KEITH: What are you suggesting?

PIDGE: if they’re still carrying their helmets, i can hack into them and override the voice to chat function

PIDGE: we can read everything they’re saying

LANCE: huh.

LANCE: why would we do that?

PIDGE: why not?

LANCE: invasion of privacy, for one.

PIDGE: if they’re keeping something from us, i want to know about it

HUNK: I’m pretty sure Coran is just talking to Allura about Shiro

KEITH: No, there seemed more to it than that.

PIDGE: aren’t you guys tired about being kept in the dark about most things?

LANCE: i don’t know.

KEITH: Yes.

HUNK: Pidge, we don’t want to be rude or spiteful

PIDGE: we’re being petty, there’s a difference

HUNK: Petty against what?

PIDGE: allura doesn’t trust us

LANCE: gee i wonder why.

KEITH: Pidge is right, we deserve to know what’s going on. I don’t like secrets.

LANCE: says the king of keeping secrets.

KEITH: My secrets are kept for a reason.

LANCE: wow that doesn’t sound menacing or foreshadow-ey at _all._

HUNK: Maybe Pidge is right

LANCE: what?!

PIDGE: what

HUNK: We’re in this together. It’s strange the Coran, Allura, and Shiro keep treating us like children after all we’ve been through

LANCE: pidge is literally a child though!

PIDGE: so my opinions aren’t valid?

LANCE: i didn’t say that.

PIDGE: but you implied it

LANCE: look, i come from a big family. i know what it’s like to be kept out of the loop. sometimes people hide things for the greater good.

KEITH: I don’t see what good could come from hiding things from the paladins of Voltron. I’d want my protectors of the fucking universe to know what’s going on.

HUNK: Same

LANCE: the fact that we’re arguing about this just goes to show that we shouldn’t do it!

KEITH: We’re not arguing, you’re the only one who doesn’t want to do it.

LANCE: so i veto it! we’re not doing it!

PIDGE: too late, hacked in

LANCE: **_pidge._**

PIDGE: my hand slipped

:

_CORAN: I am not upset._

_ALLURA: Then why are we having this conversation?_

_CORAN: I am your advisor. I feel the need to express my concerns._

_ALLURA: I appreciate that, I really do, but this is between me and Shiro. There’s no need for you to interfere._

:

LANCE: see? coran’s just giving allura the “be careful” speech. everything’s fine. nothing interesting is happening.

:

_CORAN: I am also considering Shiro’s wellbeing. Given the circumstances, do you really think this is wise? You could die._

:

LANCE: oh my.

PIDGE: WHAT

:

_ALLURA: You’re being ridiculous. Do not blow this out of proportion. Shiro is not in any danger, and neither am I._

_CORAN: You are constantly in danger, princess!_

_ALLURA: Then how should this be any different?!_

_CORAN: I don’t—_

_ALLURA: Enough. This conversation is over._

_CORAN: Please._

_ALLURA: ENOUGH._

:

PIDGE: she just left

HUNK: What was that about?! Allura might die?????

LANCE: i’m confused.

KEITH: I want answers.

LANCE: we can’t just go up and ask.

KEITH: Why not?

LANCE: woah, because then they’ll know we were spying!

KEITH: So?

LANCE: i

LANCE: shit.

LANCE: i don’t know.

LANCE: maybe we can ask them tomorrow about it.

LANCE: i’m tired. we all are.

HUNK: Yeah, lets sleep on this before we do anything

PIDGE: but this is serious!

HUNK: So is getting a clear head

HUNK: We’ll get answers, I promise

**[PIDGE] went idle**

HUNK: Dammit

LANCE: she’s not going to do anything, right?

KEITH: No.

KEITH: I’ll make sure she won’t.

LANCE: thanks keith.

KEITH: It’s late. Everyone get to sleep.

HUNK: Gladly

:

:

:

SHIRO: Good morning! Rise and shine!

PIDGE: ew

HUNK: I will not rise nor will i shine on this day

KEITH: My mouth tastes like cotton and death.

ALLURA: It is the same for me.

CORAN: What’s going on? Why was I awoken? It is much too early.

SHIRO: Aw, come on guys! 

SHIRO: We need to do some morning stretches after that adventure yesterday.

PIDGE: or, here’s a suggestion—

PIDGE: we don’t

HUNK: Wow

SHIRO: Nope, we’re gonna do them.

SHIRO: Lance, are you up?

SHIRO: @Lance?

HUNK: He went out this morning

KEITH: What? Why?

KEITH: Where is he?

HUNK: Wanted to take Blue out for a flight or something idk

KEITH: And how long ago was that?

HUNK: Like two hours ago?

PIDGE: uh oh

KEITH: I’m going to go look for him.

HUNK: What? I’m sure he’s fine, dude

KEITH: Are you _sure?_

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: hey guys so i’m doing a permitter check of the castle, i’ll be back soon.

KEITH: You’ve been gone for two hours.

LANCE: really? huh. time flies.

LANCE: yeah anyways, i’ll be back in like a half hour.

LANCE: buh bye!

**[LANCE] went idle**

HUNK: Well that was suspiciously convenient

KEITH: Hey guys, I need to talk to you all about something.

PIDGE: omg are you gonna come out again

PIDGE: cuz i’m totally cool with that

HUNK: More gay more gay more gay

KEITH: No.

KEITH: It’s about someone else.

ALLURA: Someone else?

PIDGE: is this about that thing last night

KEITH: No.

KEITH: I still think we should wait on that.

PIDGE: ugh. whatever

SHIRO: Is something wrong?

KEITH: Not exactly? Sort of.

HUNK: Gotta love the vagueness

KEITH: Pidge, can you mute someone on this chat? Like, hide the chat from just one person? Temporarily?

PIDGE: you could just make a subgroup

KEITH: Too much work.

HUNK: Relatable

PIDGE: maybe i can mess around with the settings, see if i can add a mute function

SHIRO: Wait, what’s going on?

PIDGE: i’m gonna change the settings

HUNK: OK, THAT’S IT

KEITH: What?

HUNK: I get that Pidge is like, a super smart hacker or whatever

HUNK: I’m willing to believe that she can hack into computer systems

HUNK: Hacking into systems in the middle of battle? Weird, a bit less believable, but alright

HUNK: Hacking into our **lions???** WTF, but it happened so i _guess_ it’s possible and believable

HUNK: but hacking into an ANCIENT ALIEN computer system we all BARELY UNDERSTAND to create an entirely NEW FUNCTION with nothing but the BUTTONS provided for her is not only UNBELIEVABLE, but a LAZY GODDAM CONCEPT

**[PIDGE] added Mute Function to SETTINGS**

HUNK: God is dead

PIDGE: and i killed him

KEITH: /mute [Lance]

KEITH: Is it working?

PIDGE: yeah, lance shouldn’t be able to see this

KEITH: Can you also delete the part where we talked about muting stuff?

PIDGE: (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

KEITH: I’m gonna take that as a yes.

CORAN: Pidge, at times, you scare me.

PIDGE: i know ( ﾟ∀ ﾟ)

SHIRO: Keith, what’s this all about?

ALLURA: Yes, why did you mute Lance?

KEITH: When we were on that planet together, he confided something in me.

HUNK: I _knew it_

KEITH: He said that he feels useless on the team.

HUNK: Oh dear

SHIRO: Why does he feel that way?

KEITH: Why do you think?

KEITH: WE make him feel like that.

PIDGE: what

KEITH: Don’t fucking play dumb. I’m not joking about this.

KEITH: We, collectively, as a _group,_ make Lance feel stupid. Like he doesn’t have a true place on the team.

ALLURA: But he does! He’s the blue paladin!

KEITH: And besides that?

KEITH: What have we done to make Lance feel welcome, huh? Make fun of him? Never compliment him? Tell him to shut up? 

SHIRO: Hold on, let’s not get upset.

KEITH: Why? I am upset.

SHIRO: Keith, I think you might be overreacting. Lance was probably just tired.

KEITH: Shiro, shut the fuck up.

SHIRO: Excuse me?

KEITH: It’s not up to us to decide how Lance is feeling. We, as his teammates, as his _friends,_ have an obligation to listen and understand. If he says he feels bad and useless, we should believe that he actually feel bad and useless.

KEITH: Shiro, why have you never given Lance an actual compliment? You’re so kind and “brotherly” towards me and Pidge, but to Lance and Hunk? You just brush them to one side.

KEITH: That’s not what a true leader does.

HUNK: Yeah, uh

HUNK: I gotta agree with that

SHIRO: What??

HUNK: You don’t actually show a lot of support

HUNK: I just figured I wasn’t that important? Which, whatever, but now that we’re talking about it I might as well say it

SHIRO: Why didn't you say this before?

HUNK: Because you haven’t exactly created a safe environment for us to do so

HUNK: Why share anything when my opinions are going to be brushed aside as “overreacting”

KEITH: Exactly.

PIDGE: yeah

CORAN: Hunk makes a good point.

CORAN: I know Lance. He feels deeply. We have insulted him.

SHIRO: I

SHIRO: I didn’t know you all felt this way. I’m so sorry.

KEITH: We don’t want an apology from you, Shiro, but thanks.

KEITH: What we want, is a promise to do better.

KEITH: We all need to do better.

KEITH: We need to take ownership of our actions. I’m not expecting everyone to be perfect, but we’re a team. We support each other. We can joke around, tease each other, but at the end of the day we need to ensure that we like each other.

KEITH: Shiro, I know you’re going through your own stuff. I honestly think you can be an amazing leader, but that involves listening to us.

SHIRO: Yes.

SHIRO: Yeah.

SHIRO: Um.

SHIRO: I’m going to do my best to improve.

SHIRO: I hope you guys won’t be afraid in the future to come forward with stuff like this.

PIDGE: don’t worry, we won’t

HUNK: /whisper [PIDGE]

HUNK: << Don’t bring up the Allura thing yet >>

PIDGE: << for fuck’s sake I KNOW >>

ALLURA: Keith, I’d like to clear something up.

ALLURA: Before when I said that Lance was the blue paladin, I meant that in every sense of the role.

ALLURA: The blue paladin is the support of Voltron.

HUNK: You mean like a leg?

ALLURA: In a way, but so much more. The blue paladin is the stability of the team. They bring all the lions and paladins together in a way no other paladin can.

ALLURA: After all, Lance was the one who brought you all here.

PIDGE: what

SHIRO: Huh?

HUNK: Wait she’s right

HUNK: Lance convinced me to sneak out that night at the garrison and go after Pidge

PIDGE: oh yeah

PIDGE: and then he was the only one who recognized keith

KEITH: Really?

PIDGE: yeah, he saw your mullet and was like _this bitch_

HUNK: Lol

SHIRO: We all traveled here on the blue lion.

SHIRO: He took us to the castle.

PIDGE: this is my friend lance and **he drove me here**

HUNK: Parks and Rec, nice

CORAN: Remember when Lance was injured? We were all rather distraught.

PIDGE: yeah, that was awful

KEITH: I don’t like thinking about it.

HUNK: Same

HUNK: Sometimes, I get nightmares about Lance just…disappearing? Idk

HUNK: The mere idea of him not being around me anymore is horrifying

ALLURA: As it is to all of us.

ALLURA: Lance deserves our appreciation.

KEITH: Yeah, but it has to be honest.

PIDGE: tru, we can’t just shower him with fake compliments

PIDGE: they gotta come from the heart

HUNK: Yeah

HUNK: And tbh, we need to talk about stuff like this

HUNK: More communication

SHIRO: Yes. That’s a wonderful idea.

KEITH: Alright. Well that’s all I had to say.

HUNK: Lance should be done checking the perimeter by now

HUNK: If he’s not practicing his air parkour with Blue again

SHIRO: His what?

HUNK: Nothing

KEITH: Pidge, could you un-mute the chat?

PIDGE: ha

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: _ha_

KEITH: Um.

PIDGE: **_HA_**

KEITH: I’m confused.

HUNK: Pidge

HUNK: You didn’t

PIDGE: oh but i _did_

KEITH: What? What did you do?

PIDGE: take a good long guess

KEITH: …

KEITH: Oh.

ALLURA: What happened?

PIDGE: let’s be real you guys

HUNK: Lesbihonest

PIDGE: that too

PIDGE: i’m pretty skilled, but it would take me longer than three goddam seconds to program an entirely new function in the settings of an alien chat group.

PIDGE: when i heard that keith wanted to mute lance, i figured it was for noble reasons or whatever

PIDGE: i also figured that whatever was about to be brought up, lance had the right to know

PIDGE: so i just typed this: /mute [LANCE]

PIDGE: and you all fucking bought it

PIDGE: plooooooot twiiiiiiiiiist

CORAN: Pidge, at times, you completely petrify me.

HUNK: I’m actually pretty ok with this

KEITH: So Lance can read this whenever???

PIDGE: i mean, he can, but he probably won’t

PIDGE: lance doesn’t like scrolling up

HUNK: Holy fuck that is the ultimate truth

HUNK: I love him, but that boy is so goddam lazy when it comes to texting conversations and receipts

ALLURA: Receipts?

HUNK: Like those files Pidge keeps on all of us

ALLURA: Oh.

KEITH: I guess it’s good for this to exist on the record.

CORAN: We have a record?

KEITH: I guess it’s good for this to exist at some point in the chat group.

SHIRO: I know we just went through a lot, but would all of you still be up for morning stretches?

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: KEITH

KEITH: Oh god what.

LANCE: my dude, my pal, you are not going to believe this.

LANCE: i found _dinosaur bones._

KEITH: I

KEITH: What.

LANCE: Dinosaur Bones.

LANCE: on an ALIEN PLANET.

LANCE: alien.

KEITH: Dear lord.

LANCE: dinosaurs.

KEITH: I knew it.

**[KEITH] went idle**

ALLURA: Dinosaur bones?

CORAN: Huh. Interesting. Fossils of which Altean era?

SHIRO: I doubt they’ll know that much.

HUNK: Soooo a red blur just flashed past my room?

HUNK: I think it was Keith

PIDGE: nyoom

HUNK: Stop

SHIRO: Well, I’ve lost control of this. How about you all have the mornings to yourselves, to fit with your own schedules?

ALLURA: That sounds very nice.

PIDGE: yeah

HUNK: Thanks, Shiro

SHIRO: No worries. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ᕙ༼◕ل͜◕༽ᕗ
> 
> Wowwie was that intense or what. What did you guys think? What were your fav parts? I require validation weeeeee ୧( ಠ Д ಠ )୨


	7. The Year of REALIZING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS!!!!!
> 
> Ok so if any of you are as involved in the Voltron fandom as I am, you should know that a few weeks ago it was announced that Allura is as young as the paladins. This brings up an awkward situation, as this fic was written under the assumption that Allura was well into her twenties and would therefore be OK to date Shiro. I'd like to clearly state that I am not for dangerous age differences. I'm not going to change my fic for continuity and plot reasons, so in this story Allura is in her twenties, and so is Shiro.
> 
> I completely understand if you'd rather not read this fic under these new circumstances, I just wanted to make my feelings clear.
> 
> (Also, Voltron writers, meet me in the pit.)

**[KEITH] opened subgroup [CRYPTID CENTRAL]**

KEITH: Pidge, I need your help.

**[PIDGE] opened subgroup [CRYPTID CENTRAL]**

PIDGE: watchu want

KEITH: I just discovered a new cryptid.

PIDGE: wait for real

PIDGE: that’s awesome!!!!!

PIDGE: WAIT

PIDGE: was it the alien dinosaur? waS IT THE ALIEN DINOSAUR HOLY FUCK

KEITH: No.

KEITH: It was Lance.

PIDGE: lol

PIDGE: wait, u serious?

KEITH: Yes I’m serious it was Lance, Lance is a cryptid _Lance is a cryptid Pidge what do I do._

PIDGE: somehow, i knew this day would come

KEITH: So he tells me that he found a dinosaur bone so I grab Red and get the fuck over there, and he’s outside his lion, and then he sees me coming out of Red and he smiles and is like “I didn’t want to touch it until you got here” and he hands me his hair brush with the soft bristles.

PIDGE: omg what

PIDGE: he loves that brush

KEITH: I KNOW.

KEITH: And he let me brush the dust and dirt off the protruding bit of bone,

PIDGE: lol “protruding bit of bone”

KEITH: How is that funny?

PIDGE: idk sounds dirty

KEITH: Pidge. Focus.

PIDGE: ok

KEITH: So I ask him how he found it, and he says, “I don’t know, I just sort of saw it.”

KEITH: HOW COULD HE HAVE SEEN IT.

KEITH: HE WAS DOING A PERIMETER CHECK AT FUCKING SIXTY MILES PER HOUR.

KEITH: HOW COULD HE HAVE SEEN SOME BONE STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND FROM THE SKY.

PIDGE: wow

KEITH: AND THEN HE SAYS HE KNOWS I REALLY LIKE THIS KIND OF STUFF, AND IF I WANT TO SEARCH FOR MORE BONES WITH HIM LATER???? 

KEITH: WHO DOES THAT???

PIDGE: who does what?

KEITH: THAT.

PIDGE: …being nice to you? caring about your interests?

KEITH: _EXACTLY._

PIDGE: ooooh boy

PIDGE: keith, i don’t want to alarm you,

KEITH: A BIT FUCKING LATE FOR THAT.

PIDGE: ok first of all i’m gonna need you to stop shouting

KEITH: I’m not shouting I’m typing.

PIDGE: yes but you’re tying in all caps and it’s a Bit Much for me

KEITH: Oh. Sorry.

PIDGE: like i was saying, i don’t want to alarm you,

PIDGE: but i don’t think lance is a cryptid

KEITH: How do you know?!

PIDGE: bitch, do you know who you’re talking to here?

PIDGE: i take notes on ALL of my loved ones, you think i wouldn’t know if one of my bff’s was a fucking cryptid???

PIDGE: though tbh i have my suspicions about hunk at times

PIDGE: but lance is so fucking human dude, so goddam human, it’s part of his charm

KEITH: Yeah. Charm.

PIDGE: …

PIDGE: so

PIDGE: is today the day?

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: you feel like admitting anything to me?

KEITH: Uh,

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: any secrets you have? anything you wanna get off your chest?

KEITH: …I’m gay?

PIDGE: close, but not close enough

KEITH: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

PIDGE: oh but i think you do

PIDGE: keith

KEITH: Yes?

PIDGE: do you have feelings for lance?

KEITH: What.

PIDGE: do you have a crush on lance?

KEITH: Yes.

PIDGE: oh

PIDGE: that was easy

KEITH: Wait.

PIDGE: lol nevermind

KEITH: WAIT.

PIDGE: here it comes

KEITH: I HAVE A CRUSH ON LANCE.

PIDGE: there it goes

KEITH: Pidge, why do I have a crush on Lance?!

PIDGE: i don’t know dude, it’s your fucking life

PIDGE: i’m good with robots and computers, not relationships

KEITH: I can’t believe this.

PIDGE: neither can i, i mean, i’m just not good with people in general

KEITH: I mean I guess I always knew? But never said it out loud?

PIDGE: give me code over an honest conversation any day

KEITH: Or, typed it out loud, I guess.

PIDGE: let me tell ya, computers are much better conversationalists than Humans. my laptop is one foxy gal

KEITH: Pidge, can you stop being gay for your computer? I’m sort of having a crisis here???

PIDGE: no you’re not

KEITH: I’m not?

PIDGE: nah, you’ve had a crush on him since you were in the garrison

KEITH: I did?

PIDGE: yeah dude, you’ve known all this time

PIDGE: i guess you were just in denial or something

KEITH: Oh.

PIDGE: look

PIDGE: if it makes you feel any better, i’ll label lance as an honorary cryptid so we can discuss him in this chat

KEITH: And what would that accomplish?

PIDGE: idk, relationship stuff?

KEITH: RELATIONSHIP?!

PIDGE: bruh, chill

PIDGE: you don’t have to start anything if you don’t want to

PIDGE: but crushes can be kinda difficult to deal with if ya don’t got somebody to complain to

PIDGE: that’s me

PIDGE: i’m offering myself up as a complaint receiver

KEITH: Alright, what’s the catch?

PIDGE: awwwww you know me so well <3

KEITH: More like I trust you about as far as I can throw you.

PIDGE: but you can fucking LAUNCH me

KEITH: Oh. True. 

PIDGE: all i ask for in return is full teasing rights

PIDGE: i get to tease you endlessly, sometimes in public, as long as i don’t reveal anything and keep it vague

KEITH: Weren’t you going to do that anyways?

PIDGE: smart boy

PIDGE: wait, lance is opening up the main chat

:

:

:

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: my dudes, idk about you guys but i am in dire need of a swim.

LANCE: anyone up for it?

PIDGE: nah, i got business to attend to.

LANCE: laaaaaamee.

PIDGE: shut up

LANCE: hunk? my love?

HUNK: I’m helping Coran prepare dinner, sorry dude

LANCE: no worries no worries.

LANCE: allurraaaaaa, oh radiant being!

ALLURA: That actually sounds very refreshing.

SHIRO: Yeah, a swim sounds like fun.

LANCE: sweet! pool party with the parents!

KEITH: Is that what we’re calling them now?

HUNK: If Shiro’s my dad do I get full permission to critique his life choices?

LANCE: duh.

HUNK: Sweet

LANCE: keith, buddy, you in?

KEITH: For what?

LANCE: swimming!

LANCE: wait, do you know how to swim?

KEITH: Uh,

LANCE: cuz if you don’t i can teach you, i’m fully certified as a lifeguard and stuff back on earth.

LANCE: it’ll be fun! i can show you a few moves.

LANCE: if you don’t know how to swim that is, haha.

KEITH: I.

KEITH: I don’t.

KEITH: Know how to swim.

KEITH: Yeah.

PIDGE: what

LANCE: cool! i have some extra swim trucks around here somewhere, meet us down by the pool and we can get this party staaaaarrrtteeeed!!!

ALLURA: Yay!

SHIRO: See you guys at the pool!

:

:

:

**[PIDGE] opened [CYRPTID CENTRAL]**

PIDGE: *sniff sniff*

PIDGE: do you smell that?

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: it smells like

PIDGE: someone’s pants are burning

PIDGE: because they’re on fire

PIDGE: because someone’s a dirty dirty _liaaar_

KEITH: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

PIDGE: oh how he lies

KEITH: Alright, so maybe I know how to swim.

PIDGE: HA

KEITH: But I’m not good at it!

PIDGE: uh huh

KEITH: I could use a few tips!

PIDGE: sure

KEITH: Oh, shut up.

PIDGE: not gonna happen

:

:

:

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

SHIRO: Hunk, is dinner almost ready?

HUNK: Yup, just about

LANCE: awesome, i’m starved.

LANCE: keith had me working up an appetite.

PIDGE: oh DID he?

PIDGE: _do tell_

KEITH: Or we could not say what happened, there’s a thought.

LANCE: he was pretty good at first, but then we started on the backstroke, and I was holding him up by his sides and stuff.

PIDGE: i can picture it now

LANCE: and he started getting a bit nervous, so i had to support him by his middle back. no big deal.

LANCE: it was cool though, everyone starts at different levels of skill.

PIDGE: oh yes they do

KEITH: Haha well I’m turning in for the night goodnight.

LANCE: but it’s only 6:30???

KEITH: GOT TO GET TO BED EARLY. HEALTH.

LANCE: …ok.

CORAN: Dinner is ready!

PIDGE: yay!

HUNK: Everyone gather round!

HUNK: Even you Keith!

KEITH: But I’m gonna go to bed.

HUNK: Haha that’s funny, now sit the fuck down at the dinner table with the rest of the team

KEITH: Yup. Good idea.

CORAN: Isn’t this nice?

SHIRO: No texting at the table.

PIDGE: how about i do anyway

LANCE: awwww teenage rebellion, our baby is growing up.

PIDGE: i am not a CHILD

ALLURA: Isn’t this nice?

ALLURA: All of us, together, nothing dangerous, nothing strange.

ALLURA: Just a calming dinner after a relaxing day. It’s really quite wonderful. I couldn’t have planned it any better myself. Just all of us and no disturbances whatsoever.

**[198SJKReS00.098] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

ALLURA: Son of a bitch.

LANCE: pidge, what’s that?

PIDGE: i don’t know

LANCE: what?

PIDGE: it’s not me

HUNK: Who is it then?

CORAN: It is not me.

SHIRO: Not me.

LANCE: nope.

KEITH: No.

ALLURA: 198SJKReS00.098, state your purpose. That’s an order from Princess Allura of Altea.

198SJKReS00.098: This is Mathew Holt from Earth, reporting an S.O.S. I found a talk to text channel and I am hoping to find rescue. I can input my coordinates at this time.

PIDGE: !!!!!!!

PIDGE: MATT!

SHIRO: Matt???

PIDGE: MATT IT’S ME! KATIE!

198SJKReS00.098: Katie?

PIDGE: YES! IT’S ME! 

198SJKReS00.098: OH MY GOD KATIE!

PIDGE: YOU’RE ALIVE!

198SJKReS00.098: I’M ALIVE!!!!!

HUNK: Wait, Matt as in Pidge’s brother?!

LANCE: yeah!

KEITH: Holy shit!

SHIRO: MATT! IT’S SHIRO! I’AMSFBKJBWKHBQREBKB

LANCE: lol dropped his comm.

PIDGE: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ALIVE!

198SJKReS00.098: I KNOW!!!!!!!

PIDGE: AAAAAAAAAAAA

198SJKReS00.098: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

LANCE: THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!

HUNK: I KNOW RIGHT?!!!

SHRIO: MATT TELL US WHERE YOU ARE!

198SJKReS00.098: SPACE!

KEITH: YEAH WE SORT OF FIGURED!

CORAN: What is going on?

PIDGE: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ALIVE OH MY GOD!

PIDGE: MY BROTHER’S ALIVE!

PIDGE: I FOUND MY BROTHER!

:

:

:

:

:

:

HUNK: So

HUNK: That was an ordeal

KEITH: Never a moment’s rest around here.

SHIRO: How is everyone doing?

LANCE: tired but happy.

SHIRO: Yeah.

SHIRO: By the way Lance, nice job attaching Matt’s pod to your lion. That was some good thinking.

LANCE: oh.

LANCE: thank you!

HUNK: Lance’s cute when he blushes

LANCE: haha **shut up.**

SHIRO: And Hunk, thanks for helping Matt settle in.

HUNK: Oh, thanks, yeah

LANCE: oh how the turntables.

HUNK: I don’t blush

KEITH: Yeah, not like Lance does.

LANCE: what?

KEITH: I mean,

HUNK: _Oh boy_

KEITH: I just happen to notice that you blush sometimes,

HUNK: _He’s stepping up to the plate_

KEITH: And it’s nice? When you blush?

HUNK: _First swing_

LANCE: what?

HUNK: _Strike one_

KEITH: WHAT I MEAN TO SAY,

KEITH: I like it when people blush!

HUNK: _Swing and a miss, strike two_

LANCE: oh.

KEITH: You have a nice face though!

LANCE: oh! you think so?

HUNK: _Last chance…_

KEITH: Yep! A nice, good face. Good bone structure. Genetics. Healthy. That stuff. Yep.

LANCE: um.

LANCE: thanks.

HUNK: _Aaaaaaand_ strike three

HUNK: Game over

SHIRO: Admittedly, that was pretty painful to read.

LANCE: what was?

HUNK: The hubris of man

KEITH: I need, like, a five year vacation.

KEITH: During which I’ll stay away for ten years.

HUNK: Big mood

**[ALLURA] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

ALLURA: I just checked in on Pidge and Matt, they’re still talking.

SHIRO: Yeah, they must have a lot to discuss.

HUNK: I’m still amazed that Matt is alive!

LANCE: i’m still amazed that he’s dorkier than his sister.

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: come on, the dude was wearing socks and sandals.

LANCE: what the fuck.

HUNK: It’s a…choice

LANCE: don’t pretend it doesn’t make your blood boil.

HUNK: Maybe just a bit

LANCE: exactly.

**[198SJKReS00.098] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

198SJKReS00.098: Katie just reminded me I haven’t formally introduced myself.

LANCE: you’re name’s matt, you’re pidge’s big bro, you’re not dead.

KEITH: Sounds good to me.

198SJKReS00.098: What the hell is a pidge?

HUNK: Welcome aboard, Matt

HUNK: You’ll soon be sorry we ever found you

198SJKReS00.098: What?

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

PIDGE: it’s true, everyone here is insane

LANCE: says the girl banned from an intergalactic space gas station.

198SJKReS00.098: _What?!_

PIDGE: ok that ban was totally unwarranted

HUNK: You ate their entire supply of beef jerky

PIDGE: girl’s gotta eat

HUNK: Then you puked on the cashier when they asked you to pay

PIDGE: intergalactic capitalism makes me sick

KEITH: Agreed.

198SJKReS00.098: Katie, what exactly have you been getting up to while I was gone?

PIDGE: oh, you know, the usual

PIDGE: played some video games, hacked some accounts, wallowed in grief

PIDGE: oh, and overtook 1/7th of the responsibility for the fate of the universe

KEITH: 1/7th?

PIDGE: yeah, though it really should be 1/10th

PIDGE: since shiro insists on carrying, like, three times the emotional baggage

HUNK: That does explain his protruding pectorals

LANCE: and his bodacious back muscles.

SHIRO: I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted

HUNK: Why not both?

LANCE: flattsulted.

HUNK: Beautiful

198SJKReS00.098: Huh. 

198SJKReS00.098: How you doin’, Shiro?

SHIRO: Like, in general?

SHIRO: Because I don’t think we have the time for that particular explanation.

KEITH: True.

198SJKReS00.098: I’m just glad to see you’re alive, and to see my sister again. It’s nice to know she was with good people.

HUNK: Awww

LANCE: pidge, matt is cuter than you.

PIDGE: _you take that back_

HUNK: Even with his horrible choice in footwear?

HUNK: No offense, Matt

198SJKReS00.098: What?

LANCE: yes, despite the disgusting mess on his feet, matt’s cute.

KEITH: Um.

PIDGE: lance, if you start flirting with my brother, we’re going to have words

198SJKReS00.098: _What?!_

KEITH: Um.

LANCE: relaaaax, can’t i compliment a dude without wanting to do anything?

198SJKReS00.098: Well, thank you for the compliment, but I think it would be wise at this point to say that I am not interested in any sexual activity.

PIDGE: yup, matt is ace

HUNK: Cool!

KEITH: Thanks for letting us know.

SHIRO: Yes, thank you, Matt.

LANCE: **ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks.**

PIDGE: omg how is that not a meme it’s perfect

LANCE: IKR???

198SJKReS00.098: Hey, how do I change my name on here?

HUNK: It’s in the settings

HUNK: For some stupid reason

KEITH: You really hate Pidge’s hacking skills, don’t you?

HUNK: Hate is a strong word

HUNK: I prefer “a healthy amount of both fear and respect mixed with unbridled confusion”

KEITH: Makes sense.

**[198SJKReS00.098] changed name to [MATT]**

LANCE: yaaaaaasss.

HUNK: _One of us, one of us_

SHIRO: Matt, would you like a tour of the castle?

MATT: That would be nice.

LANCE: i’ll leave that up to you nerds, i need some rest.

HUNK: I second that

PIDGE: yeah, i’m tired

PIDGE: matt are you good to go with shiro?

MATT: Yeah, we shared at room during our time at the Garrison. We’re bros.

LANCE: holy shit.

ALLURA: Ooh, I’d like to hear more about that!

MATT: You’re dating Shiro, correct?

ALLURA: Yes!

MATT: Ooooh boy, have I got some stories for you. ;)

SHIRO: Matt, please.

LANCE: further proof that matt is pidge’s brother.

ALLURA: Matt, do tell.

MATT: I will. In time. ;)

HUNK: lol Shiro looks scared

PIDGE: he should be

PIDGE: you guy’s think i’m bad?

PIDGE: you haven’t dealt with my brother yet

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: where do you think i learned all my skills?

HUNK: …And we willingly brought this potential monster into our midsts?

MATT: Yup. I’m like a vampire, I have to be invited in.

MATT: ;)

LANCE: alriiiiiight, and on that vaguely forshadowey note, i’m going to bed.

**[LANCE] went idle**

KEITH: I want to watch the tour, and try to get Matt to reveal all of Shiro’s secrets.

SHIRO: Why?!

KEITH: Just cuz.

PIDGE: for funzies

MATT: It passes the time.

SHIRO: Well, I know stuff about Matt, too.

PIDGE: lol, you forget that matt wears his secrets on his dorky sleeves

PIDGE: he’s the ultimate dweeb

SHIRO: Yeah, you’re right.

SHIRO: Most of my time at the Garrison was spent listening to him quote that stupid anime ninja show.

MATT: Excuse you, Naruto is a _gift to mankind._

PIDGE: holy shit naruto was the bane of my existence, he’d do that stupid arm run thing during gym 

MATT: It’s efficient.

PIDGE: yeah, until someone knocks you over and you start crying because your nose is bleeding

MATT: Shut up.

PIDGE: oh matt, such language, what would sasuke think?

MATT: Jokes on you because I already ask myself that question everyday.

SHIRO: I’m going to bed.

[ **SHIRO] went idle**

MATT: But what about the tour?

ALLURA: I’m sure Shiro will keep his word. 

HUNK: Yeah, he’s not one to break a promise

MATT: He’s broken a few hearts though.

ALLURA: What?

KEITH: What?

HUNK: lol

PIDGE: _shiro???_

MATT: He was pretty popular at the Garrison. Dreamboat nice guy who blushes a lot. The formula works.

KEITH: Huh. So that’s why everyone loves Hunk.

HUNK: It’s my own burden to bear

PIDGE: i would resent those words coming from any other guy but you, hunk

PIDGE: you simply can do no wrong

HUNK: Oh stop it, you’re making me blush

PIDGE: good

ALLURA: Did Shiro date a lot, at the Garrison?

MATT: Not at all. He was kind to everyone, but turned down plenty of offers. He was very focused on his ambitions. 

MATT: He must really like you, your highness.

ALLURA: Oh.

PIDGE: keith! name one thing better than hunk blushing!

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: hunk AND allura blushing!

KEITH: Oh my god you’re right.

PIDGE: take a photo

CORAN: Already taken!

PIDGE: **send it to me**

MATT: Hunk, I was wondering if I could get the chance to talk to you. Pidge has told me about your work in the Garrison engineering team, and I’d love to listen to your ideas.

HUNK: That would be great! From what I hear, you were amazing in your field of study

MATT: Yes. That is true.

PIDGE: humble much?

MATT: No.

PIDGE: oh how i’ve missed you

HUNK: I’m in the training room atm, you can meet me in there

MATT: Where’s the training room?

KEITH: I can show him.

PIDGE: “mom keith" makes an appearance

HUNK: A happy sight indeed

CORAN: Allura, if I might also request a chat?

**[ALLURA] went idle**

HUNK: Yikes

PIDGE: coran, is there something we need to know about allura?

**[CORAN] went idle**

PIDGE: rude

KEITH: You weren’t going to get it out of him that easily.

PIDGE: worth a shot

PIDGE: should we listen in again?

MATT: Listen in?

MATT: Katie, have you been recording conversations?

PIDGE: no

KEITH: Yes.

HUNK: She has a documentation system for her observations

PIDGE: no i don’t

KEITH: Yes you do.

HUNK: Her folders have things even I don’t know about me

MATT: Katie.

PIDGE: don’t

MATT: I can’t say I’m surprised,

PIDGE: please

MATT: But I am,

PIDGE: _don’t_

MATT: **Disappointed.**

HUNK: Ouch

KEITH: That’s gotta sting

PIDGE: shit

MATT: Yes. Mull on that for awhile. I’m gonna go meet up with Hunk.

KEITH: Wait, I don’t get it. Pidge, you said you learned all your skills from your brother, why would he be upset about you recording people?

PIDGE: cuz he’s a tyrant

MATT: No, it’s because I fear she will follow in my footsteps.

PIDGE: impossible, i have better street cred

KEITH: How? Most of your free time is spent indoors on your computer. In space.

PIDGE: i have my connections

HUNK: When will she _stop_

MATT: Look, I’ve gotten into major trouble in the past for recording conversations. At some point, you’re bound to hear something you don’t want to.

PIDGE: that could only be a good thing, we could stop something bad from happening

HUNK: Woah, guys, nothing’s happening atm, why get upset?

PIDGE: did you completely forget the conversation between coran and allura? the conversation where he said she might _die?_

KEITH: Pidge! We can’t say that in the main chat! What are you doing?!

PIDGE: what the rest of you are too afraid to do apparently

MATT: Wow.

MATT: You guys are like, super edgy.

HUNK: Don’t lump me in with them!

HUNK: If anyone on this ship _isn’t_ an edglord, it’s me

KEITH: It’s our burdens to bear, Hunk.

HUNK: OH

HUNK: MY GOD

PIDGE: coran and allura are going to have to explain themselves eventually, and i’m not going to wait around forever

KEITH: I agree with you, but pushing at them isn’t going to help things.

PIDGE: who are you and what have you done with keith?

HUNK: Yeah, uh, your plans of attack are usually “stab first, ask questions later, then stab some more”

KEITH: I see nothing wrong with that plan.

HUNK: Of course

KEITH: BUT, in this specific case, we need to approach Allura carefully. You guys ever notice how secretive she is?

MATT: Yes, I’ve noticed she barely talks in this chat.

PIDGE: she likes to observe, make judgements

HUNK: We honestly don’t know that much about her

KEITH: So we can’t just walk up and demand information.

PIDGE: …

PIDGE: alright

PIDGE: you have a point

MATT: And on that note, I bid you all goodnight. I’ll talk with you tomorrow, Hunk.

HUNK: Goodnight Matt!

PIDGE: weak

KEITH: Goodnight.

**[MATT] went idle**

HUNK: You guys ever notice how no one fully exits out of these chats? Like, we all just go idle

PIDGE: yeah cuz we’d have to sign back in otherwise

KEITH: And Pidge keeps changing our passwords.

HUNK: What

KEITH: Yeah, mine’s been “HotTopicReject” for a few weeks now.

PIDGE: where’s the lie tho

HUNK: What’s mine?

PIDGE: “SweetManBuns”

HUNK: I’m going to bed

**[HUNK] went idle**

PIDGE: lmao

:

:

:

**[LANCE] created subgroup [JUST GUYS BEING DUDES]**

**[LANCE] invited [HUNK] to subgroup [JUST GUYS BEING DUDES]**

LANCE: wake up i am having a Moment.

**[HUNK] opened [JUST GUYS BEING DUDES]**

HUNK: I am awake and woke what’s up?

LANCE: keith.

LANCE: that’s what’s up.

HUNK: …

HUNK: I’m not going back to bed anytime soon, aren’t I?

LANCE: i am, for lack of a better word, shooketh.

HUNK: There were literally a million other words you could have used

LANCE: SHOOKETH.

HUNK: Okay then

LANCE: so you know i’m all about skin care, right?

HUNK: Right

LANCE: i pay a large amount of attention to it, especially when i meet new people, because it’s just what i do.

HUNK: Makes sense

LANCE: i know the skin problems of everyone in this palace because i’m fucking observant and i care about other people’s healthy skin.

HUNK: That you do

LANCE: like, pidge, for example, has the driest skin imaginable because she just _forgets_ to drink water on a regular basis

HUNK: The child worries me

LANCE: IKR

LANCE: but she hardly ever gets acne, and if she does, it’s in small amounts at the top of her forehead and easily managed, so i just slip her some moisturizing face wash and remind her to drink fluids every once in a while and BAM she has healthy skin no problem.

HUNK: Yeet

LANCE: shiro is a bit tough because he has good skin, but he’s prone to sunburn so i give him some special lavender smelling sunscreen because that’s his fav scent.

HUNK: Awesome

LANCE: allura is, of course, perfect, but i make some special cold cream for her because she looks how cool it feels on her face.

LANCE: and coran LOVES face masks, LOVES them.

HUNK: As he should

LANCE: and you, as you know, have a tendency to have oily skin, so i make sure you use that special exfoliator i gave you to help balance out things and give you that Perfect Glow.

HUNK: I love you

LANCE: i take care of myself so i hardly have any problems, but i use de-stressing cream on the regular to calm me down.

HUNK: You ever think of maybe upping the amount of cream you use?

LANCE: _I’M FINE._

HUNK: Alrighty then

LANCE: and matt seems to struggle a bit with acne, so i have some prescription style stuff he can start using that should clear that up.

LANCE: and THEN.

LANCE: and fucking THEN.

LANCE: there’s keith.

HUNK: Huh

LANCE: who literally has no issues.

LANCE: which doesn’t make sense.

LANCE: his self-care habits are _horrifying._

HUNK: True

LANCE: he hardly ever showers, brushes his hair, cleans his face, does _anything that he fucking should do,_

LANCE: AND HE’S FINE.

LANCE: he smells fantastic,

HUNK: Uh

LANCE: his hair is thick and smooth to the touch,

HUNK: Uhhh

LANCE: AND HIS SKIN IS BABY SOFT AND HAS A NATURAL SHINE THAT LOOKS AMAZING.

HUNK: Wow

LANCE: and i don’t know why it bugs me, but it does??? 

LANCE: like i’m lying here just thinking about him and his stupid smell and his stupid hair and his stupid fucking face and i. can’t. sleep.

HUNK: Okay

LANCE: and i’ve had this problem for like a goddam month now, just lying here thinking about keith.

LANCE: and i think i’ve figured out why he bothers me so much.

HUNK: I sincerely doubt it

LANCE: and i realized i like him.

LANCE: i really, _really_ like the guy.

HUNK: Wait

HUNK: _What_

LANCE: i know, it was a surprise to me too.

HUNK: LANCE

HUNK: I didn’t think you would actually come to that conclusion by yourself!

LANCE: oh come on, i’ve had a crush on him for years.

HUNK: _What is going on what is going on_

LANCE: i mean he’s attractive, i’ve had a crush on him based on that,

LANCE: but then i got to know the guy.

LANCE: and i just…

LANCE: i really like him, dude.

HUNK: Dude

LANCE: i know.

LANCE: i’m so fucked.

HUNK: You’re really not! This is great!

LANCE: how? how is this great?

LANCE: keith sees me as a friend, bro, a _f r i e n d._ he would never want to date me in a million years, let’s be honest here.

HUNK: UM

LANCE: and lately he’s been getting more weird around me and i think he can tell that i LIKE him.

LANCE: so there’s that.

HUNK: Have you ever considered

LANCE: what?

HUNK: WEHRWKEHWFHQJWEHH

LANCE: _what?_

HUNK: OH MY GOD 

LANCE: …

HUNK: Ok

HUNK: _Ok_

HUNK: I need to remember that there’s two people involved here, and one might get upset regarding certain information that they may or may not be comfortable with me assuming or telling other specific people

HUNK: WHICH IS FRUSTRATING

HUNK: So I’m gonna offer you a hypothetical situation

LANCE: oh cool i love those.

HUNK: **Great**

HUNK: Imagine I have two friends

LANCE: easy.

HUNK: And one of these friends, let’s call him Idiot, has a major super obvious crush on the other friend, Moron

LANCE: ok.

HUNK: But get this: Moron also has a major super obvious crush on Idiot

LANCE: oh wow.

HUNK: I know, it’s crazy

HUNK: Now, hypothetically,

HUNK: Let’s say that Moron just told me they have a major super obvious crush on Idiot

HUNK: But they don’t think that Idiot likes them back, despite all evidence to the contrary

HUNK: And in this hypothetical situation, I can’t tell Moron that Idiot likes them because it is not my place to reveal Idiot’s feelings to someone else, just because Idiot obviously likes Moron doesn’t mean I have the right to reveal that information

HUNK: You know, as a good friend

LANCE: right.

HUNK: BUT

HUNK: This entire situation is so pathetic because it’s _so major super obvious_ that Idiot likes Moron, but Moron is so fucking DENSE that they, for the life of them, could not realize that Idiot likes them, even in a maJOR SUPER OBVIOUS HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION THAT IS OBVIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT THEIR EXACT SITUATION

LANCE: wow.

LANCE: that’s rough, buddy.

HUNK: Yup

LANCE: but what does that have to do with my situation?

HUNK: 

LANCE: hunk?

HUNK:

LANCE: lol hunk?

HUNK: 

LANCE: …

HUNK: Nothing.

HUNK: It…it has nothing to do with anything, I just like hypothetical situations

LANCE: oh, ok.

LANCE: what should i do about keith?

HUNK: Idk dude, that’s something you’re going to have to figure out by yourself

LANCE: yeah, you’re probably right.

HUNK: I’ll be here for you though

LANCE: thanks man.

LANCE: anything that’s been going on with you lately?

HUNK: Tbh yeah, but if I told you, it would just make things so much worse

LANCE: oh.

HUNK: Don’t worry dude, I know you got my back

LANCE: good.

LANCE: ily

HUNK: Ily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read my notes at the top if you haven't already.
> 
> ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ
> 
> Oh Voltron, always messing up my headcannons. BUT I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW that I totally had Matt in this chapter before he was announced so HAHAHAHA I have major foresight and everyone else needs to get on my l e v e l.


	8. The Big Freeze Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a long one because i got excited.

**[PIDGE] opened [CRYPTID CENTRAL]**

PIDGE: DAY FIFTEEN GIVE IT UP FOR DAY FIFTEEN

KEITH: Day fifteen?

PIDGE: IT’S BEEN FIFTEEN DAYS SINCE YOU REALIZED YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON LANCE

KEITH: It’s been like a week.

PIDGE: it’s not so much the comprehensiveness of the meme but more the feeling it evokes

PIDGE: DAY FIFTEEN GIVE IT UP FOR DAY FIFTEEN

KEITH: What the hell.

PIDGE: it’s from spongebob you fuck

KEITH: It’s four in the morning.

PIDGE: love never sleeps

KEITH: Why are you awake?

PIDGE: i never sleep

KEITH: Right.

PIDGE: it’s cool dude, i’m not even tired

KEITH: How are you not tired???

PIDGE: once i’ve stayed awake to a certain point, i pass a threshold of existence in which my mental state can thrive separate from my physical body, a glorious mindset which allows me to function at a rate i would not otherwise be able to in one’s more literal plane of existence

PIDGE: i can also taste colors so that’s pretty rad

KEITH: I think you need medical attention.

PIDGE: i think **you** need medical attention

PIDGE: from the loooooove doctor

PIDGE: imagine i did a sassy little head swivel when i said that

PIDGE: keith

PIDGE: are you imagining it keith?

PIDGE: do you feel it mr. krabs?

KEITH: Who’s Mr. Krabs?

PIDGE: lol that’s what she said

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: “that’s what she said” jokes are funnier when they don’t make sense

KEITH: I have no idea what you’re saying and it’s scaring me.

PIDGE: dude Same

KEITH: Ok time for bed.

PIDGE: no

KEITH: Just go to sleep, Pidge.

PIDGE: i can’t

KEITH: Pidge.

PIDGE: no i mean i physically can’t

PIDGE: i think i’ve reached a point to where if i go to sleep i might actually die

KEITH: …

KEITH: Pidge?

PIDGE: wassup

KEITH: How long have you been awake?

PIDGE: what day is it?

KEITH: Holy shit.

PIDGE: dude i’m fine i’ve got all the other basic human necessities taken care of

KEITH: Really? Name them.

PIDGE: ok so

PIDGE: uh

PIDGE: i’ve eaten recently

PIDGE: probably

PIDGE: wait no i totally have

PIDGE: cuz i pooped earlier

KEITH: So that’s two basic human necessities, what else?

PIDGE: …there’s more than two?

KEITH: _Yes._

PIDGE: oh

PIDGE: wild

KEITH: I’m waking Shiro.

PIDGE: NO DON’T WAKE SHIRO

KEITH: Too late, getting out of bed.

PIDGE: no keith please he’ll want to know What’s Wrong and then i’ll never be able to sleep because i’ll be too busy telling him

KEITH: Um, actually I was hoping he would be able to take you back to your room?

PIDGE: i’m in my room 

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: What are you doing?

PIDGE: idk

KEITH: I thought you were working on your computer or something.

PIDGE: nah

KEITH So…you’re just awake?

PIDGE: yeah

KEITH: Ok.

KEITH: Are you alright?

PIDGE: is that a trick question?

KEITH: No.

PIDGE: k

KEITH: Can I come over to your room?

PIDGE: i mean if you want

PIDGE: i thought you were gonna go back to sleep

KEITH: I’m not tired all of a sudden.

KEITH: I’m heading over

PIDGE: k

:

:

:

KEITH: So.

KEITH: Is there any reason you’re not talking to me?

PIDGE: i just don’t really feel like talking out loud

KEITH: That’s fine.

KEITH: Your room’s pretty cool.

PIDGE: it’s a mess

KEITH: It’s a cool mess.

KEITH: What are all those papers for?

PIDGE: oh

PIDGE: some are brainstorming ideas for finding matt and my dad

PIDGE: some are for castle renovations 

PIDGE: some are random ideas and plans

PIDGE: and some are just doodles

KEITH: Pidge, have I ever told you that you’re a genius?

PIDGE: no

KEITH: You’re a genius.

PIDGE: k

KEITH: Haha why just “k”?

PIDGE: cuz idk

PIDGE: i don’t really feel like a genius

KEITH: Why’s that?

PIDGE: idk

PIDGE: it took me forever to find matt, and i didn’t even find him in the end

KEITH: You can’t blame yourself for that.

PIDGE: no i mean

PIDGE: i forgot about him

PIDGE: like

PIDGE: in the beginning he was my top priority, and then i got all distracted with voltron and you guys and doing dumb stuff

PIDGE: there were seriously days i forgot about him entirely

PIDGE and my dad’s still missing

PIDGE: idk if he’s even alive and i’m not doing anything about it???

PIDGE: and even though matt’s here i’m not…fully happy

PIDGE: because he went through a lot of shit and he doesn’t want to talk to me about it so it just gets worse and worse in my head

PIDGE: and if i’d just stayed on track with my plan at the garrison i would have found him

PIDGE: but then he just pops up out of nowhere and i’m happy but he’s suffered so much and he wouldn’t have if i had found him sooner

PIDGE: and my dad’s still out there and i’m just sitting here staring at a wall and i can’t even talk out loud to my friend 

PIDGE: so i’m really fucking stupid

KEITH: I don’t think you’re stupid.

PIDGE: that’s not what i meant

KEITH: I know.

PIDGE: no you don’t

KEITH: Okay, you’re right, I don’t know. No one can know what it’s like to be a whole other person, to live a whole other live with different problems and stuff.

KEITH: But I know what it’s like to be me.

KEITH: And that means dealing with days where I don’t like myself very much.

KEITH: And I want to help you.

PIDGE: k

KEITH: I like you. You’re a good friend.

KEITH: We’re going to help you with your dad. We’re going to work together and all help each other. You’re not alone anymore, this isn’t just your plan or pain, we all want to do this. 

KEITH: And honestly? I don’t know if I’ll be able to help you feel better about yourself. I can’t even help myself feel better about myself.

KEITH: But we can hate ourselves together, which is sort of better than doing it alone.

KEITH: I think.

PIDGE: wow

PIDGE: you really suck at this

KEITH: Yeah. Sorry.

KEITH: I didn’t mean to make you cry.

PIDGE: i’m crying because you’re so stupid it’s making me sad

KEITH: You’re smiling.

PIDGE: bitch do you not see my tears i am CRYING

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: Uh.

KEITH: What do I do?

PIDGE: holy shit you are _useless_

KEITH: Okay.

KEITH: You are hugging me now.

KEITH: Okay.

PIDGE: shut up and hug me

KEITH: Okay.

:

:

:

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: holy shit goddam why is it so COLD.

HUNK: I can’t feel my fingertips

LANCE: i did not plan on waking up to this, what the fuck is going on.

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: shiro the castle is cold make it stop.

SHIRO: Good morning to you too.

LANCE: shut up this is a problem.

SHIRO: Why do I get the feeling this problem is going to turn into a crisis?

**[ALLURA] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

ALLURA: Don’t worry everyone, it seems there has been a slight malfunction with the castle heating systems. It shouldn’t be that hard to fix.

HUNK: I can’t feel my hands

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

PIDGE: uh guys?

PIDGE: i’m near the pools, it’s scary cold down here

PIDGE: the water is starting to freeze over

LANCE: shit.

ALLURA: Pidge, get in the elevator and head to the top floor, it’s warmer up here.

**[MATT] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

MATT: That’s because heat collects near the ceiling of a structure, due to the dispersion of cool and warm air.

PIDGE: uuuuugh shut up you fucking nerd

LANCE: yo i’m a cuban american male from california, i was not built for the cold.

LANCE: i’m going to die.

KEITH: You’re not going to die.

LANCE: fuck off, you’re from texas.

KEITH: Do you know how cold it gets in a desert at night?

LANCE: no.

KEITH: Pretty damn cold.

PIDGE: keith, back at it again with the poetic prose.

HUNK: So, my arms are numb? Is that normal?

LANCE: none of this is normal.

LANCE: my teeth are chattering so hard i’m gonna bite my tongue in half.

MATT: That’s good.

LANCE: _how_ is that good???

MATT: When your body shivers, it’s trying to keep you alive, get you warm. 

LANCE: ok, so what happens when i stop shivering?

MATT: That essentially means your body has given up on you.

PIDGE: relatable

SHIRO: Everyone, put on your helmets, and switch to talk-to-text. I want constant communication during this.

SHIRO: Report in.

HUNK: Hunk here, reporting that I’m frozen from the shoulders down

PIDGE: hi 

KEITH: I’m here with Lance, I found him in the kitchen. He’s wrapped in, like, seven blankets.

LANCE: my nipples are rock hard right now.

MATT: Same.

KEITH: I hate you all.

ALLURA: Allura reporting in.

SHIRO: Where’s Coran?

HUNK: I think he’s still sleeping

SHIRO: Alright, he’s near the top floors, he should be fine. Where is everyone?

PIDGE: i’m in the elevator, it’s moving super slow

ALLURA: I’m waiting for Pidge on the top floor.

MATT: I’m near one of the training decks, the one with the obstacle course.

LANCE: i’m dead.

KEITH: He’s in the kitchen with me.

HUNK: I’m heading towards the kitchen

SHIRO: Alright. I’m near Matt, I’ll meet up with him in the hall.

MATT: Cool.

SHIRO: So everyone besides Coran is either with someone or heading towards someone?

KEITH: Looks like it.

SHIRO: Okay. Pidge, when you get to the top floor, try to see what’s wrong with the systems. Work with Allura.

PIDGE: k

KEITH: What should we do?

HUNK: What we always do, Pinky

LANCE: try to take over the world.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: animaniacs, the best freakin’ cartoon show ever.

MATT: Yooo I live for obscure 90’s cartoon references.

PIDGE: ew

MATT: You’re just mad because the old Pokemon animes never lived up to your expectations.

PIDGE: MISTY IS A LESBIAN AND I’M GOING TO FIGHT NINTENDO

LANCE: i’m pretty sure nintendo didn’t have control over the anime back then.

HUNK: Yeah they did, the Pokemon company is Nintendo copyrighted

MATT: Yes but that was in 1998, the anime aired in 1997, and was developed way before then because it was based off the card game.

KEITH: I think I’m having an aneurysm.

SHIRO: Can everyone please stay focussed on the task at hand?

HUNK: That’s pretty hard to do since I can’t feel my hands haha

HUNK: No but seriously, my fingertips are turning purple

LANCE: das not good.

SHIRO: Hunk, how close are you to Keith and Lance?

LANCE: lance and keith.

KEITH: Does it matter?

LANCE: _yes._

HUNK: I’m entering the kitchen right now

LANCE: holy shit hunk you look horrible!

HUNK: That’s funny, cuz I feel great

KEITH: Really?

HUNK: No

KEITH: Oh.

LANCE: here, have my blankets!

HUNK: Thanks bro

LANCE: we need to warm this place up _right now._

KEITH: Pidge, how close are you to the top floor? You need to check the systems quickly.

PIDGE: i can’t, the elevator stopped

SHIRO: Shit.

MATT: Fuck.

ALLURA: Do not worry, I can pull the doors open and lower myself down to you. The elevator stopped just below the top floor.

MATT: Wait, how are you going to pull the doors open?

LANCE: allura is, like, super strong.

KEITH: Scary strong.

MATT: Oh.

SHIRO: She carries me around from time to time.

MATT: Wow.

PIDGE: i’m gay

HUNK: We know

ALLURA: UUUUURRRGGEEEAAA!

ALLURA: Alright, I opened the doors. Pidge, can you open the emergency hatch at the top of the elevator?

PIDGE: i can’t

KEITH: Why not?

PIDGE: i’m too short

HUNK: I would laugh if this situation wasn’t entirely unfunny

ALLURA: Never fear, I believe I can reach it with my foot if I stretch down far enough.

SHIRO: Wait, Princess, maybe you shouldn’t do that.

ALLURA: OHHHH!

LANCE: what just happened?

KEITH: Allura?

SHIRO: Allura, report in!

ALLURA: I’m alright, I just fell a bit. I have landed on top of the elevator.

SHIRO: Are you hurt?

ALLURA: A bit shocked, but I am fine.

SHIRO: Are you able to climb back out of the elevator shaft?

ALLURA: I’m afraid not. It’s just out of my reach. However, I’m sure Pidge and I can find a way out.

PIDGE: i think i know what’s wrong with the elevator

KEITH: I think I know what’s wrong with my life.

PIDGE: the power systems are down below the castle, where it’s probably the coldest

PIDGE: they might have frozen over

LANCE: wonderful.

MATT: If that’s the case, them melting would be even more dangerous.

PIDGE: yes, but lets focus on the fact that they’re frozen right now

HUNK: Uh oh

MATT: Yup.

SHIRO: What’s going on?

PIDGE: ok so

PIDGE: the systems have frozen over, meaning they’re stuck

PIDGE: is that some sort of altean tech glitch, or…?

ALLURA: Yes, the castle’s systems are rather old, and based on an ancient temperature designed treatment meant to last longer. Unfortunately, if frozen over, they “freeze” in their work, hence Pidge’s elevator getting stuck.

LANCE: wonderful.

PIDGE: and we already know that altean tech completely fails when it mixes with water

SHIRO: How do we know that?

PIDGE: i might have dropped a bucket of water on some old computers i found

ALLURA: Why did you do that?

PIDGE: because i could

LANCE: just think, the fate of the universe is in our hands.

MATT: Eeeey transformers.

LANCE: eeeeeeeyyyyyyyy.

PIDGE: ok we’re stopping with the hipster cartoon shit

HUNK: You have a teenage mutant ninja turtles backpack

PIDGE: it fits my aesthetic

LANCE: yeah, they live in the sewers, only eat pizza, and no one really questions their existence.

PIDGE: exactly

SHIRO: Does anyone remember the crisis we have on our hands?

HUNK: I do

HUNK: I’m still frozen

PIDGE: right, ok, as i was saying

PIDGE: altean tech doesn’t mix well with a bunch of water at once

PIDGE: somehow, some liquid slowly gathered and froze over the systems

PIDGE: which means…

KEITH: Fucking shit.

LANCE: yikes.

PIDGE: yeah

PIDGE: when it melts, the systems will fry, and everything will fully shut down

PIDGE: including the elevator i’m standing in

ALLURA: Which will send us both plummeting to our deaths.

PIDGE: yup

PIDGE: but the systems are frozen right now so everything’s fine

LANCE: always look on the bright side.

HUNK: I think I’m dying of hypothermia

LANCE: way to be an optimist.

HUNK: Lance, I love you, but I just might kill you

LANCE: fair enough.

SHIRO: Okay, everyone needs to calm down, we’re going to figure a way out of this.

SHIRO: Pidge, is Rover with you?

PIDGE: yeah

SHIRO: Can he get you out of the elevator?

PIDGE: no

SHIRO: Why not????

HUNK: Because he’s literally the equivalent of a flying triangular roomba

LANCE: we should tape a knife to him.

HUNK: Like the roomba you made at the garrison?

LANCE: good ol’ Stabby.

KEITH: Wait, you made that roomba???

LANCE: i like to think of it as the roomba made me.

LANCE: like, made me a better person.

HUNK: You were laughing at people with slashed ankles

LANCE: i was enjoying life for once, sue me.

KEITH: THAT FUCKER CAME AFTER ME ALL THE TIME!

KEITH: IT WAS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I LEFT THE GARRISON!

SHIRO: Guys, focus.

LANCE: wait, seriously?

KEITH: YES!

KEITH: IT WAS HORRIBLE!

KEITH: I HAD TO PUT BUBBLE WRAP AROUND MY ANKLES!

PIDGE: i understand that i had to get stuck in an elevator to hear this conversation and lemme just say it was Worth It

ALLURA: My thoughts exactly.

LANCE: lol dude, Stabby was just trying to show you love.

KEITH: That thing was a cleaning robot from hell and you _know_ it, McClain.

LANCE: ooookay i guess we’re using last names now.

MATT: Hot.

HUNK: Shut up

KEITH: I hated that roomba.

KEITH: I had nightmares about the stupid fucking whirring noise it would make.

HUNK: You know, I had offered to make DJ Roomba as a sort of Neutral Good choice, but then Lance went full Chaotic Evil

LANCE: excuse you, i operate at Chaotic Neutral 100% of the time.

SHIRO: Can we all please remember that Pidge and Allura are stuck in an elevator???

PIDGE: wait no i love these alignment things

SHIRO: _Pidge._

MATT: Shiro. Bro. Chill out.

HUNK: BWAHAHAHAHA CHILL OUT!

HUNK: GET IT?

HUNK: Because we’re all freezing to death?

HUNK: In an icy castle of doom

HUNK: Slowly

HUNK: In space

HUNK: Huh

PIDGE: okay okay okay so we all know that i am Chaotic Evil personified

HUNK: Agreed

LANCE: yeah no question.

KEITH: Yup.

PIDGE: i would say that coran is Lawful Good?

ALLURA: I believe that to be true.

PIDGE: cool cool

LANCE: everyone who says shiro is also Lawful Good say “aye”.

SHIRO: All of you stop!

HUNK: Aye

PIDGE: aye

ALLURA: Aye.

KEITH: Aye.

MATT: Lawful Good with a dash of Chaotic Evil.

SHIRO: Matt.

MATT: He’s also a twunk.

SHIRO: MATT.

ALLURA: What’s a twunk?

PIDGE: just ask the late U.S. president John F. Kennedy

MATT: Pidge, for the last time, JFK was a twink.

PIDGE: i’ll murder your whole family

MATT: You’re part of my family.

PIDGE: did i fucking stutter?

LANCE: i’m so glad i moved to space with you guys.

ALLURA: Which alignment do I belong to?

KEITH: I would say Lawful Good mixed with Chaotic Good.

HUNK: That makes sense

ALLURA: As long as I’m not Neutral.

KEITH: We all know Lance is Chaotic Neutral.

LANCE: yesterday i taught myself how to finger paint with my toes.

MATT: That explains the poorly painted penis on the gym ceiling.

LANCE: you’re welcome.

SHIRO: We’re all going to die.

ALLURA: Hunk is Neutral Good.

HUNK: Thank you, thank you very much

LANCE: keith is Chaotic Good i swear on my life.

KEITH: I thought I was Neutral Evil.

LANCE: considering how many times you’re willing to fucking sacrifice yourself during missions, i’d say no.

HUNK: Roasted

PIDGE: and saving the worst for last

PIDGE: matt is a True Neutral

MATT: Everyone around me is an idiot and I hold no loyalties. (⑅˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈ )

LANCE: that sounds like pidge.

PIDGE: shut up, you guys said i’m Chaotic Evil

KEITH: Meh.

SHIRO: Great, now that we all know our alignments, can we please figure out a way to not die?

HUNK: Yeah, I’m getting pretty cold

KEITH: Hunk’s turning an odd color, what do we do?

SHIRO: Ok, Keith and Lance, you two need to warm up Hunk ASAP. Allura and Pidge, Matt and I are going to head your way up the stairs. We’re going to help you.

MATT: How likely am I to get a piggyback ride on the way there?

SHIRO: Matt.

MATT: Please?

HUNK: Play nice, Shiro

SHIRO: Alright. For old time’s sake.

MATT: YAY!

SHIRO: You’re heavier, have you been putting on muscle?

MATT: Yeah, I’m getting pretty swol.

PIDGE: somebody either kill me or him i don’t care which

MATT: WOO HOO RESCUE MISSION LET’S GO!

KEITH: Okay, so how are we going to warm up Hunk?

LANCE: hug him.

KEITH: You’re already wrapped around him. Like a koala.

LANCE: huh. didn’t notice that.

HUNK: It’s our thing

LANCE: keith, get in on this action.

KEITH: Uh, is there another way I can help?

LANCE: nope. come on and give us some love.

PIDGE: this is getting interesting

ALLURA: Agreed.

KEITH: I’d rather not…do that.

LANCE: why not?

KEITH: Hugging isn’t really my thing.

PIDGE: he lies

KEITH: I don’t want to hurt him!

LANCE: How could you hurt him?

HUNK: Dude, just hug me. I’m a lovable guy

KEITH: I know that, but I…

LANCE: come on keith, get over here.

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: i don’t see what your problem is.

KEITH: I don’t usually hug people.

LANCE: don’t think of it as a hug, you’re saving hunk’s life.

KEITH: No, you’re fine on your own.

PIDGE: shit

LANCE: for fuck’s sake!

KEITH: Lance, I’m fine—

LANCE: GET OVER HERE AND HUG ME GODDAMMIT.

LANCE: i mean

LANCE: get over here and hug hunk.

LANCE: yeah.

KEITH: Wait.

LANCE: shut up.

KEITH: You said “me”.

LANCE: shut up.

HUNK: Oh my god

KEITH: Lance?

HUNK: _Oh my god_

PIDGE: holyfuckingshit

LANCE: i meant to say hunk it’s fine it’s all fine just come here and hug hunk so he doesn’t die.

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: haha this is fun.

KEITH: Do you want me to hug you?

LANCE: right now i kinda want you to kill me so whatever works dude.

KEITH: Lance, if you want me to hug you, I could—

MATT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

PIDGE: what just happened

PIDGE: why did he scream

PIDGE: why did my brother scream

MATT: SHIRO DROPPED ME!

SHIRO: It was an accident!

MATT: I LANDED ON MY ASS, BRO!

PIDGE: lmao what ass?

MATT: KATIE I’M IN PAIN.

PIDGE: and i’m stuck in an elevator

HUNK: And I’m dying of hypothermia

LANCE: yeah, matt. we all have our problems.

MATT: OW OW OW OW

SHIRO: Matt I’m so sorry! I was distracted!

MATT: BY WHAT?!

SHIRO: Uh…

HUNK: Lance and Keith, right?

SHIRO: Sort of.

LANCE: so, like, if anybody wants to kill me, now would be a great time.

ALLURA: I believe Zarkon would be interested in that offer.

HUNK: Along with, like, half the royal courts we visit on other planets

LANCE: lol my first impressions are too rad for them.

ALLURA: You got engaged to the Emperor of Songihild.

LANCE: yeah i still don’t know how that happened.

PIDGE: matt, shiro, you almost here? it’s cold

HUNK: Y-yeah it’s g-g-getting h-hard to s-s-s-peak

LANCE: shit, keith, we need to warm him up.

LANCE: here, you hug him, i’ll go look for something to help.

KEITH: Oh. Alright.

HUNK: K-Keith, you g-g-give good h-hugs

KEITH: Uh, thanks?

ALLURA: Wait, I am confused.

ALLURA: Why is it that Keith was not alright with hugging Hunk before, if he is alright with the idea now?

PIDGE: lance was hugging hunk before, and if keith were to hug hunk while lance was hugging hunk, that would mean that keith would also be hugging—

ALLURA: Oh! I understand.

ALLURA: That is a very dumb situation.

HUNK: T-tell m-m-me about it

MATT: Everyone here is too ridiculous for me.

PIDGE: you’re just mad because you got no Booty to break your fall

MATT: I don’t need a Booty when I’ve got a wonderful personality.

MATT: You, on the other hand, should invest in some squats.

PIDGE: rude

LANCE: lol

SHIRO: Uh, I’ve got some bad news, guys.

HUNK: O-of c-c-course

KEITH: What?

SHIRO: The door to the top floor, in the stairwell, is locked shut.

ALLURA: It is just stuck. You should be able to kick it open.

MATT: We should be able to _what?_

SHIRO: The metal’s pretty thick.

ALLURA: It shouldn’t be that thick.

MATT: It’s pretty goddam thick.

HUNK: R-r-relatable

ALLURA: I don’t see the problem.

SHIRO: I can’t kick the door open.

ALLURA: Why not? I do it all the time, I have the strength for it.

PIDGE: i love you

ALLURA: What?

PIDGE: nothing

KEITH: I don’t mean to bring more bad news, but Hunk’s shivers are starting to slow down.

MATT: Oh no.

KEITH: I’m rubbing his arms and holding him close, but he’s not warming up.

KEITH: Lance, have you found anything?

LANCE: i’m looking!

KEITH: Hurry up!

LANCE: ok oki’ll find something don’t worry i’ll find someTHING HOLY SHIT I FOUND SOMETHING!

KEITH: What?!

LANCE: I FOUND SOMETHING THAT CAN HELP HUNK HAHAHA I’M A SAVIOR HUNK YOU’RE SAVED WHOOOOO!

KEITH: Bring it over here!

LANCE: ALRIGHT HERE I COME!

LANCE: Hunk, you have no more reason to worry because now we have _this!_

KEITH: …

KEITH: You

KEITH: You just flicked on a lighter.

KEITH: You literally just flicked on a lighter.

LANCE: correction: i flicked on a flame.

KEITH: You used a fucking lighter.

SHIRO: What is going on?

KEITH: Lance just found a lighter and flicked it on.

LANCE: yes so now we have fire.

KEITH: No, we have a single flame, a flame that cannot warm anyone.

LANCE: well i don’t see you offering any help.

KEITH: I’m literally hugging Hunk as we speak.

MATT: Maybe you should try getting Hunk to the lions? Do they have heating systems?

SHIRO: Matt, bro, you’re a genius.

MATT: Thanks, bro.

PIDGE: if anyone ever uses the word “bro” unironically again, i going to fucking lose it

KEITH: Same.

LANCE: sure, matt’s a genius, but how the fuck are we supposed to get Hunk to the lions??? they’re down below.

LANCE: through that super unnecessary glider tunnel.

ALLURA: It is not entirely unnecessary!

KEITH: Really? Why was it made, then?

ALLURA: …At the former paladins’ request.

PIDGE: great, the former paladins were just as stupid as we were

LANCE: nice to know it runs in the family.

SHIRO: Pidge, is Rover with you at this moment?

PIDGE: yeah

PIDGE: we’ve already discussed this

KEITH: Holy shit we did. Why did we forget?

SHIRO: Because apparently, our moral alignments matter more than our actual lives.

LANCE: pretty much.

HUNK: L-l-lance

LANCE: look, i want my funeral attendees to know my star sign, my moral alignment, and what kind of animal i would have been if i was one.

PIDGE: furry

LANCE: take that back right the fuck now.

MATT: So, are we still trying to save our lives, or…?

SHIRO: YES.

MATT: Oh.

MATT: Cool.

ALLURA: Why do I get the feeling he would have said that no matter the answer?

MATT: Because you know me very well, Princess.

ALLURA: Oh.

ALLURA: Good.

SHIRO: Pidge, send Rover out to the castle controls, see if you can find something Rover can fix.

PIDGE: i already told you, he can’t do much

SHIRO: But he can film, right?

PIDGE: sure

SHIRO: Send him up.

LANCE: you know, despite everything, i’m really enjoying this time spent together.

KEITH: I’m not.

LANCE: really keith? doesn’t this feel familiar to you?

KEITH: No.

LANCE: _really?_

KEITH: How, the fuck, would this feel familiar to me?

LANCE: well, it’s a life or death situation,

LANCE: you’re injured, someone else isn’t,

LANCE: and you’re cradling that someone in your arms.

KEITH: Holy shit.

ALLURA: I’m enjoying this _immensely._

LANCE: you know, one might even say that,

KEITH: Don’t.

LANCE: this very experience is a,

KEITH: Don’t say it.

LANCE: **bonding experience.**

PIDGE: LMFAO ROFL LOOOOOOOOOOL

KEITH: Give me the lighter.

LANCE: no!

KEITH: _Give me the lighter, Lance._

LANCE: wtf no, why???

KEITH: Because I’m going to burn off your eyebrows GIVE ME THE FUCKING LIGHTER.

LANCE: no!!!

MATT: Keith, no, you’ll ruin the fleekness.

LANCE: GET OFF ME.

KEITH: GIVE ME THE LIGHTER.

LANCE: LET IT GO, BRO!

PIDGE: he said “bro” unironically

KEITH: I’LL LET IT GO WHEN YOU LET GO OF THE LIGHTER!

PIDGE: i’m going to lose it

MATT: Are you going to McFreakin’ lose it, perchance?

PIDGE: you know, sometimes, i miss being the only surviving child

MATT: Ouch.

LANCE: KEITHLETGOHOLYSHITAAAAAAWWWWWWSSSSSHHHIIIIIIIIIIT

HUNK: C-c-ould you b-both stop rolling on t-t-top of m-me?

ALLURA: Keith! Lance! Both of you stop this instant!

LANCE: he started it!

KEITH: I literally FUCKING DIDN’T!

ALLURA: I don’t care who started it, it’s ending now!

MATT: Wow.

PIDGE: ikr

ALLURA: Lance, apologize to Keith.

LANCE: but he—

ALLURA: LANCE.

LANCE: …

LANCE: i’m sorry.

ALLURA: For?

LANCE: ugh ohmygodfine

LANCE: keith, i’m sorry for bringing up the traumatic memory of you trying to initiate bonding with me.

KEITH: Wait, what?

KEITH: That wasn’t traumatic.

LANCE: dude. it so was.

KEITH: Well, besides me thinking you were going to die…

LANCE: lol yeah and also you were forced to look after me so that must have been annoying.

KEITH: What?

HUNK: W-what?

ALLURA: Sorry?

MATT: Huh?

SHIRO: What?

PIDGE: oh dear

LANCE: ok, calm down, i meant to say that anyone would be annoyed if they had to worry over someone else like you guys did over me.

KEITH: _What???_

HUNK: T-t-that i-i-i-is a l-l-l-l-l-

LANCE: woah, dude, slow down there.

HUNK: L-L-LANCE T-T-T-THAT

HUNK: IT’S A L-L-L-LIE

PIDGE: yup

PIDGE: that’s the biggest fucking lie you’ve ever said, lance

LANCE: what?

PIDGE: why the fuck would you think _that_ was annoying?

LANCE: i don’t know, i just…

LANCE: i don’t know.

SHIRO: Lance, us worrying about you was never annoying. We wanted you to be safe. We cared about you.

LANCE: i mean, sure, but i wasn’t exactly contributing to the team during that time lmao.

LANCE: like, that must have been stressful.

ALLURA: Yes. It was stressful. But not for the reasons you think.

ALLURA: We were stressed at the time because our dearest friend was in danger, and we did not know if you would come out alive.

LANCE: …

LANCE: k.

KEITH: Lance, imagine Hunk was in danger.

HUNK: N-n-not h-hard to i-i-imagine at the m-m-moment

KEITH: Imagine Hunk was in a coma. Would you be worried?

LANCE: what the fuck kind of question is that?

KEITH: Answer it.

LANCE: of course i’d be worried, what the fuck???

KEITH: Would you be worried because he would not be able to pilot the yellow lion while he was in that coma?

LANCE: NO!

KEITH: Why not? He wouldn’t be able to pilot the lion while in such a position.

LANCE: that’s not the point!

KEITH: Then what is the point?

LANCE: hunk’s my friend! my best friend! if he was in a coma i’d be, i’d be…

LANCE: i don’t know what i’d be!

KEITH: Exactly.

KEITH: That’s how we felt with you.

KEITH: We were not upset because you were out of commission or whatever, we were upset because we love and care about you, and you were about to die.

KEITH: I was never annoyed.

LANCE: oh.

KEITH: Yeah. 

SHIRO: Lance, you’re the blue paladin, but you’re our friend first.

ALLURA: Exactly.

LANCE: ok.

LANCE: thanks, my dudes.

PIDGE: we love you, bud

HUNK: Y-y-yeah

KEITH: Please don’t ever forget that.

LANCE: …

LANCE: I won’t.

MATT: Wow.

MATT: You guys really know how to bring the party.

SHIRO: Are you crying?

MATT: Yes. Have a problem with that?

SHIRO: No???

MATT: Great. Me neither. Everything’s great.

PIDGE: not to interrupt this hallmark movie moment, but rover just found something very interesting on his video feed

ALLURA: Oh, that’s.…something.

SHIRO: What’s happening?

MATT: Nothing good I bet.

ALLURA: Actually…

PIDGE: so i sent rover up to the control deck, like shiro said, to see what was going on with the controls of the castle

PIDGE: and look what he found

PIDGE: [attached img: They’reCuteAndCreepy.png]

KEITH: Are those…

KEITH: Are those the mice?

MATT: What.

ALLURA: Yes. Those are the mice.

SHIRO: What, exactly, are the mice doing?

ALLURA: They appear to be manipulating the controls.

MATT: They’re _what?_

LANCE: oh hell no.

SHIRO: Wait, why are they manipulating the controls? Princess, I thought you said they were on our side.

MATT: What?!

ALLURA: My mental link with them is secure, they are definitely on our sides.

MATT: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

LANCE: dude, it’s not that hard to figure out. allura has a mental link with some colorful uber sentient mice.

MATT: And how did she get this mental link?!

LANCE: they were locked in a time freeze capsule thing together.

LANCE: duh.

MATT: You know what, I change my mind. I’m leaving Voltron, goodbye.

SHIRO: Matt, get back here.

KEITH: Allura, how can we be sure that the mice are alright? They’re messing around with the controls!

ALLURA: I believe they are trying to help us.

KEITH: They can manipulate the entire castle! Our lives are in their hands!

LANCE: *paws.

KEITH: WHATEVER.

PIDGE: i, for one, accept and respect our rodent overlords

MATT: You’re only saying that because you can bribe them with cheese.

PIDGE: i know how to dance the political dance, matt

KEITH: Is it just me or is it getting colder?

ALLURA: He’s right. It’s colder.

LANCE: oh shit shit shit shit.

SHIRO: How is Hunk???

LANCE: i don’t know! he’s getting sluggish!

SHIRO: Alright, nobody panic,

MATT: I’m panicking.

SHIRO: NOBODY PANIC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ง ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)ง
> 
> wowiieee that was a lot. i had to split this up into at least two parts. if ya'll don't agree with me about the moral alignment things, go right ahead. i only just taught myself about them like, three days ago. (i'm chaotic neutral like 75% of the time)
> 
> also i had to research pokemon anime nintendo copyright info for this voltron chat fic, which is something i never thought i would ever say. i hope my parents are proud.


	9. The Big Freeze Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to this weird ass fic

LANCE: he’s waking up.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: shut up he’s waking up!

**[HUNK] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

HUNK: …

HUNK: I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m not surprised that I’m naked

KEITH: You’re not naked.

LANCE: he’s basically naked.

KEITH: He’s still wearing his underwear.

HUNK: I mean, if you guys wanted me out of my clothes that badly, you could have just asked

LANCE: i do ask.

LANCE: regularly.

HUNK: Bae’s thirsty af

KEITH: You were literally dying of hypothermia two hours ago, why the fuck are you like this.

HUNK: I was what?

LANCE: yeah you got pretty cold, it was scary dude.

HUNK: Oh

LANCE: shit we’re on the main channel.

KEITH: Oops.

HUNK: What?

LANCE: we all decided to make private chat groups, like when we were separated on the planets.

KEITH: It’s probably good that the others know Hunk’s okay.

LANCE: the others are busy.

HUNK: With what?

LANCE: i’ll explain in our chat.

KEITH: You need to invite him.

HUNK: Yeah, invite me

**[LANCE] invited [HUNK] to the subgroup [THREE BROS, SITTING IN A HOT TUB, 1 INCH APART CUZ THEY’RE ALL GAY]**

HUNK: Un-invite me

KEITH: I hate that vine.

**[HUNK] opened the subgroup [THREE BROS, SITTING IN A HOT TUB, 1 INCH APART CUZ THEY’RE ALL GAY]**

HUNK: So we’re in a hot tub

LANCE: because you were freezing, and we found one near the kitchens that was blocked off from the cold.

HUNK: Why was there a hot tub near the kitchens?

KEITH: I tend not to ask questions anymore.

LANCE: or ever.

KEITH: Alright, here’s a question for you: Why name the subgroup “cuz they’re all gay” when you two are bi?

LANCE: …

KEITH: Don’t change the name.

**[LANCE] changed subgroup name from [THREE BROS, SITTING IN A HOT TUB, 1 INCH APART CUZ THEY’RE ALL GAY] to [THREE BROS, SITTING IN A HOT TUB, 1 INCH APART CUZ ONE’S GAY AND THE OTHER TWO ARE BI AND THAT’S TOTALLY RAD]**

KEITH: That was completely unnecessary.

LANCE: lol ikr.

HUNK: Why am I in my underwear?

LANCE: when we were carrying you over to the hot tub room, one of your feet hit the sink and keith panicked and hit it with his sword and it sprayed all over you which was Bad because you were freezing to death.

LANCE: also: any amount of time that is spent with a shirtless hunk is time well spent.

KEITH: …Agreed.

HUNK: So, wait, Keith’s first reaction was to attack?

LANCE: yup.

LANCE: he has two modes:

LANCE: stabbing, and not stabbing.

KEITH: Mode three: thinking about stabbing Lance.

LANCE: kinky.

HUNK: Just so you both know, I didn’t have hypothermia

KEITH: Uh, it looked like you did.

HUNK: Nah dude, I’m pretty thicc, I have a lot of body warmth to offer

LANCE: i can attest to that.

LANCE: he makes a great body pillow.

HUNK: That I do

KEITH: Warm people can still get hypothermia

HUNK: If I actually had hypothermia, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now

KEITH: Then what happened?

HUNK: I think the stress got to me, then the cold made it worse

LANCE: stress?

HUNK: Yes Lance, being stuck in a malfunctioning castle that is slowly freezing can be pretty stressful

LANCE: yeah, i get that, but we were all pretty stressed. why did you pass out?

HUNK: I…don’t know

LANCE: were you stressed before this started?

HUNK: Like, more than usual?

KEITH: Usual?

HUNK: Guys, come on, being the defenders of the universe deserve a fair bit of stress

LANCE: hunk, buddy, are you doing ok?

HUNK: Lance, I’m fine. It’s alright

LANCE: gee, where have i heard that before?

LANCE: it was me. i said that. i heard that from me.

KEITH: Hunk, if you don’t feel like talking about it…

HUNK: There’s nothing to talk about, my dudes

KEITH: Ok. Good.

HUNK: But

HUNK: I don’t know

HUNK: Say hypothetically

LANCE: not this again.

HUNK: Ok fine

HUNK: Lance, babe, you know I like to be straightforward about stuff?

LANCE: i wouldn’t involve the word “straight” but yes continue.

HUNK: Well

HUNK: Sorry ahead of time, but I think I’m carrying a bit too much emotional responsibility for the team

KEITH: What do you mean?

HUNK: You guys come to me with your problems, which I appreciate and adore and enjoy

KEITH: But…?

HUNK: There’s no “but”, that part is fine

HUNK: I occasionally just get stressed that if i were to share my problems, you guys wouldn’t trust me with your own

LANCE: dude.

HUNK: I know it’s silly to think that way

LANCE: it’s not silly, you have a right to think that way.

HUNK: I guess so

KEITH: Thanks for letting us know

LANCE: we’ll keep that in mind. please tell us your struggles.

LANCE: especially me.

LANCE: talk my ear off.

LANCE: whisper sweet nothing’s into my ear as we make love until the dawn.

HUNK: You always know just what to say, dude

KEITH: My life’s weird.

LANCE: you could say it’s a bit queer.

KEITH: Shut up.

LANCE: you love me.

KEITH: I dream of maiming you.

LANCE: you dream about me? ;)

KEITH: Hey Hunk, I bet you ten bucks I can get hypothermia faster than you.

HUNK: I won’t take that bet

HUNK: You’re broke

LANCE: HAHAHA

:

:

:

**[MATT] opened subgroup [#ELEVATORSQUAD]**

MATT: You know, it’s times such as these that I ponder the great questions of the universe.

MATT: Such as, why do we exist? Is there a greater purpose to life? Why am I staring at Shiro’s ass at 3:30 in the morning?

SHIRO: Matt.

MATT: I’ll give you a hint.

SHIRO: Please don’t.

MATT: It’s because my stupid sister got herself stuck in the elevator.

PIDGE: no i didn’t

MATT: Katie, where are you now?

PIDGE: in an elevator

MATT: Are you stuck?

PIDGE: are you palming shiro’s ass?

SHIRO: Yes.

MATT: It’s my stress ball.

ALLURA: It is quite plush, isn’t it?

PIDGE: _ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew we ew e w ew we we wee w w_

MATT: Yeah it’s very plush, with just the right amount of meat on it.

SHIRO: Can we please not refer to my ass as “meat?”

MATT: Would you prefer “man meat?”

PIDGE: holy fuck shut up

SHRIO: I agree with Pidge. We should be focussing on rescuing her and Alurra. 

MATT: What do you think I’m doing? I’m the only thing holding you up as you fucking dangle your whole body down the damn elevator shaft.

PIDGE: and you get a face full of butt for your efforts

SHIRO: Somehow, somewhere, Lance is laughing because you said, “face full of butt”.

:

:

:

LANCE: lol.

HUNK: What?

LANCE: butts.

KEITH: Shut up.

:

:

:

PIDGE: he’s on a separate chat, he has no knowledge that i said that

ALLURA: Hunk is okay! I have just read the updates on the main chat!

SHIRO: Great! Now all we need to do is get this rope attached to the elevator so you two can climb out!

MATT: Easier said than done.

PIDGE: try a little optimism

MATT: It’s hard to be optimistic when you’re holding up a 200 pound man.

SHIRO: I’m 180.

MATT: Well _excuuuuuse_ me.

SHIRO: He’s in a mood.

ALLURA: A bad one.

PIDGE: matt, rover is doing most of the work with his cable, you’re just gripping shiro’s waist, you’re not holding him up

MATT: Sure, but it’s the thought that counts.

PIDGE: what?

MATT: Fuck off.

ALLURA: Some part of me is somewhat surprised that I am in this situation.

SHIRO: Trapped in an elevator?

ALLURA: No. Leading Voltron in a ghost of my former home haha.

SHIRO: But I’m the leader of Voltron.

ALLURA: HAHA SHIRO YOU’RE HILARIOUS.

MATT: Wow.

PIDGE: get fuckn rekt

ALLURA: Oh, was that not a joke?

SHIRO: I’m just now realizing it might as well be.

PIDGE: allura for leader of voltron 2K17

MATT: #alluraleader, Twitter hashtag of the century.

MATT: If I still had access to Twitter.

MATT: I miss twitter.

PIDGE: why? all you did was try to flirt with bill nye

MATT: He’s a mysterious man but one day he shall be mine.

ALLURA: Who’s Bill Nye?

PIDGE: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY

ALLURA: …

ALLURA: What?

PIDGE: matt, that was your fucking cue

MATT: Oh. Right. Sorry.

MATT: BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL

SHIRO: What the hell is going on.

PIDGE: lance knows the whole theme song, i should—

SHIRO: No. You are not firing up the main chat unless it’s an emergency.

SHIRO: And before you say it, this is not an emergency.

PIDGE: then what is an emergency, pray tell?

SHIRO: I don’t know, perhaps getting stuck in an elevator which has stopped because the surrounding castle structure is slowly freezing?

PIDGE: oh yeah, forgot about that

ALLURA: How could you have forgotten about that?

PIDGE: i’m gay

ALLURA: …Is that supposed to be an answer?

PIDGE: it works on straight people

PIDGE: that usually confuses them long enough for me to make a speedy get away

MATT: Remind me to never take you to Starbucks again.

PIDGE: why would i want to?

MATT: You’re banned from every Starbucks in central America.

PIDGE: baristas can’t take a joke

SHIRO: I don’t want to know what that’s about.

PIDGE: you really don’t

:

:

:

HUNK: Hey guys?

LANCE: yeah?

KEITH: What?

HUNK: If I die here, could you tell Shay that I really like her?

LANCE: that depends.

HUNK: No, you are not allowed to date her as my replacement

LANCE: then no.

KEITH: Hunk, if you die here, that will probably mean that we all die too.

LANCE: truth be told, this is sort of how i thought i would die.

HUNK: In a hot tub with Keith and I, freezing to death in a castle in space?

LANCE: keith’s presence is the only surprise.

KEITH: Of course.

LANCE: hunk, if we all get through this, we should hook shay up with a communicator.

HUNK: Really?

LANCE: i don’t see why not.

KEITH: Yeah, Shay is pretty cool.

LANCE: in keith language, that means he really likes shay.

KEITH: And what does “I hope you freeze to death before I do” mean in Keith language?

HUNK: Keith, you can’t kill Lance. We need him to defend the universe

KEITH: Fine.

KEITH: But can I maim him a bit?

KEITH: He won’t need _both_ of his legs to defend the universe.

LANCE: yes i will.

KEITH: You can spare a limb, don’t be selfish.

LANCE: strangely, wanting to keep my body intact is not a selfish want.

HUNK: What if someone needed your leg more than you do?

LANCE: how could someone need my own leg more than i do???

KEITH: Maybe you could think of a few reasons if you weren’t so selfish.

LANCE: …

LANCE: you’re fucking with me, aren’t you?

KEITH: More than ever.

HUNK: It’s a lot of fun

KEITH: Haha

KEITH: Lance? You okay?

LANCE: what?

KEITH: You were looking at me weird.

LANCE: uh, sorry.

LANCE: i just don’t see you laugh that much.

HUNK: Here we fucking go

LANCE: you have a nice laugh.

HUNK: Wow

KEITH: Huh. No one’s ever told me that before.

HUNK: Nope, I’m stopping this train before it leaves the station

LANCE: what train?

HUNK: The train where I sit between you two and listen to your attempts at futility

HUNK: I’m starting a private chat with Pidge on the comms

LANCE: uh, ok?

KEITH: Something wrong?

HUNK: Yes

KEITH: Can you tell us?

HUNK: WOW I REALLY WISH I COULD

:

:

:

**[HUNK] created subgroup [MY LIFE HAS COME TO THIS]**

**[HUNK] invited [PIDGE] to the subgroup [MY LIFE HAS COME TO THIS]**

**[PIDGE] opened subgroup [MY LIFE HAS COME TO THIS]**

PIDGE: hey

HUNK: You busy?

PIDGE: lemme check

:

:

:

**[PIDGE] opened subgroup [#ELEVATORSQUAD]**

SHIRO: MATT I SAID TO THE RIGHT!

MATT: This is the right!

SHIRO: YOUR OTHER RIGHT!

ALLURA: I’m worried that the elevator cable might snap under all this strain!

PIDGE: how long do we have?

ALLURA: Twenty minutes?

MATT: FUCK.

:

:

:

**[PIDGE] opened subgroup [MY LIFE HAS COME TO THIS]**

PIDGE: nah, nothing much going on

HUNK: Cool

PIDGE: why the subgroup?

HUNK: I’ll give you a hint: it has something to do with Keith and Lance

PIDGE: you want to know which one to eat when you starve

HUNK: No

PIDGE: personally, i would choose keith. he’s less boney

HUNK: Pidge

PIDGE: plus he’d probably be up for it, that self-sacrificing fuck

HUNK: _Pidge_

PIDGE: what

HUNK: I’m not going to eat Keith

PIDGE: wow, didn’t take you for the kind of person to eat his best friend

HUNK: I’m not going to eat Lance either

PIDGE: …

HUNK: I’M NOT GOING TO EAT ANYONE

PIDGE: not with that attitude

HUNK: That joke is never funny no matter how many times you guys say it

PIDGE: it’s pretty funny

HUNK: It’s not

PIDGE: not with that attitude

:

:

:

LANCE: uh, hunk? buddy? why did you scream?

KEITH: I think we should leave him alone for a bit.

:

:

:

HUNK: Pidge, please, I need your help

PIDGE: i know, but it’s fun to mess with you

HUNK: We might die today, why mess with me?

PIDGE: messing with people is an art that never dies, my friend

HUNK: Fine sure whatever _so Keith and Lance are driving me insane_

PIDGE: keith can’t drive, he doesn’t have a license

HUNK: I hate you

PIDGE: noted

PIDGE: why are they driving you insane?

HUNK: They’re doing that thing where they fight and then flirt and then sort of fight and flirt and then get upset and talk to me later that night to feel better about their pathetic lives

PIDGE: i desire a screenshot

HUNK: Wait, we can do that?

PIDGE: yea

HUNK: Of fucking course we can

HUNK: I’m not even surprised anymore

:

:

:

LANCE: so, like, is the moon a lesbian?

KEITH: Ask Pidge.

LANCE: i think the face on the moon is gay.

KEITH: Oh, he’s gay as fuck.

**[HUNK] took a screenshot**

LANCE: wait, we can take screenshots?

HUNK: Oops. My finger slipped

KEITH: I can see you sending a picture to Pidge.

HUNK: My finger slipped again wowee what a fucking coincidence

:

:

:

HUNK: [attached img: LookAtTheseFucks.png]

PIDGE: lol why are they so useless

HUNK: I don’t know

PIDGE: are they ever going to do anything about it?

HUNK: I don’t know

PIDGE: so, like, forgive me ahead of time…

HUNK: I’m not agreeing to that

PIDGE: i know that lance has been going to you for advice about keith

HUNK: How do you know that?

PIDGE: you left your comm out on the counter one night and i accidentally hacked into it and saw some recent conversations

HUNK: That’s probably a huge invasion of privacy

PIDGE: i didn’t mean to see the messages, i meant to add a little game on your comm

HUNK: Awww that’s nice

PIDGE: i can be nice

PIDGE: but instead of doing that, i looked at your messages

HUNK: Of course

HUNK: Lance keeps complaining to me and I keep trying to cheer him up

HUNK: He has a…thing about unrequited love

PIDGE: what thing?

HUNK: He doesn’t like it

PIDGE: oh

PIDGE: why tell me this?

HUNK: I wouldn’t, if it wasn’t at the point where I felt it needed help from a trusted friend

PIDGE: i feel the same

PIDGE: which is to say, keith feels the same

PIDGE: about lance

HUNK: I know

HUNK: I mean, he’s horrible at hiding it

PIDGE: tru 

HUNK: What should we do?

PIDGE: i mean…

PIDGE: intervening might cause more trouble than it’s worth

PIDGE: and i don’t really feel like playing the part of the fanfic side-chick who keeps trying to get the main gay pairing to hook-up

HUNK: Same

HUNK: Like, why should we give a fuck about their romantic lives? We’ve got our own to worry about

PIDGE: _you’ve_ got your own to worry about

PIDGE: i’m still on the lookout for a super cool alien girlfriend who can carry me everywhere

HUNK: I’ll keep that in mind

PIDGE: it’s still fun to tease keith and lance tho

HUNK: Yeah

PIDGE: but we’re not going to intervene

HUNK: Yeah

PIDGE: because we’re not that shallow

HUNK: Yeah

PIDGE: and we’ve got more interesting things to worry about

HUNK: Yeah

PIDGE: other than our friends being happy and dating 

HUNK: Yeah

PIDGE: and becoming better people together

HUNK: Yeah

PIDGE: and getting over their insecurities regarding romance

HUNK: Yeah

PIDGE: we’re going to intervene

HUNK: Fuck yeah

:

:

:

SHIRO: I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

ALLURA: HE ATTACHED THE ROPE! PIDGE, GET OFF YOUR COMMUNICATOR!

PIDGE: what

ALLURA: WE CAN CLIMB OUT!

PIDGE: i don’t really do “climbing”

ALLURA: Fine.

PIDGE: what the fuCK HOLY **_SHIT_**

MATT: Wow.

SHIRO: Allura, are you sure you can…?

ALLURA: Carry Pidge out of this elevator? Yes.

PIDGE: _meep_

SHIRO: What?

MATT: She’s so gay, she can’t talk

PIDGE: **shiro you bastard you don’t know how lucky you are to have a girl like this**

MATT: She’s back.

ALLURA: I am a woman, not a girl.

PIDGE: _meep_

MATT: Aaaand there she goes.

SHIRO: Considering the situation I’m in right now, I can’t call myself lucky.

SHIRO: But yes, I am glad to be with Allura.

MATT: Awwwww.

ALLURA: Why do we always have these talks when we are all in grave danger?

PIDGE: it’s our Thing

PIDGE: like how we try to take home a pet from every planet

ALLURA: We don’t do that.

PIDGE: oh whoops that’s my Thing

SHIRO: Pidge.

PIDGE: you guys might want to stay away from the gym on the fourth floor

SHIRO: _Pidge._

PIDGE: _shiro_

PIDGE: that’s what you sound like

PIDGE: you sound stupid

SHIRO: Right. How about we try to get to the control deck.

MATT: Alright.

ALLURA: Sounds good.

PIDGE: yeet

:

:

:

**[PIDGE] opened subgroup [MY LIFE HAS COME TO THIS]**

PIDGE: so allura and i are out of the elevator and now we’re all heading for the control deck

HUNK: Great

HUNK: Keith is telling Lance about a show called The X-Files and Lance has been subtly tying Keith’s shoelaces together

PIDGE: oh, is keith not wearing his combat boots?

HUNK: Nah

PIDGE: somewhere, a hot topic employee just dropped dead

HUNK: Lol

PIDGE: are they being gross?

HUNK: Yeah, it’s really pitiful to watch actually

PIDGE: hmmm…

HUNK: What

PIDGE: i just thought of something

PIDGE: something that i will research while we try to not die

HUNK: We’re always trying to not die

PIDGE: i’m gonna do some math that might fast-forward our lance and keith problem

HUNK: Sounds good

HUNK: Wait

HUNK: Math?

PIDGE: yeah

:

:

:

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: so is it just me or is the castle getting warmer?

ALLURA: Are we using the main chat now?

SHIRO: We might as well.

HUNK: What was the reason for not using it?

MATT: I didn’t want to listen to Lance and Keith thirst.

KEITH: What?

MATT: What.

LANCE: no for real, it feels warmer.

ALLURA: The mice might have switched the controls back.

PIDGE: oh yeah

PIDGE: the mice are still a thing that is happening

HUNK: Are you guys close to the control deck?

SHIRO: Yeah, we’re at the door.

MATT: It won’t budge because Shiro is using his non-robot arm like a person who has never come to appreciate his robot arm.

PIDGE: matt, jealousy is not a good look for you

MATT: You know how much I would _work_ that robot arm? Do you know how much I want to fuse my body with a machine? _Do you?_

PIDGE: yes

MATT: Good. 

HUNK: Cyborg fetishes aside, the sooner we can get out of this mess the better

SHIRO: Did you guys bring the yellow lion to help with Hunk?

LANCE: oh yeah, that was an option.

KEITH: Fucking dammit.

HUNK: Wait, why didn’t you do that? Yellow would have been great

LANCE: because we found a hot tub.

SHIRO: You found a hot tub.

SHIRO: In the kitchen.

LANCE: i was surprised too.

MATT: Wait, how did the hot tub work if everything else is shut down?

KEITH: …Wait.

LANCE: wtf.

HUNK: I know it probably has something to do with Pidge

PIDGE: nah dude, i didn’t know there was a hot tub in the kitchens

PIDGE: but my guess would be it runs on its own power???

ALLURA: Yes, it does.

PIDGE: allura, why do you have a hot tub in the kitchen?

ALLURA: Why do you ask?

PIDGE: because it’s your castle

MATT: Yeah actually, why is this castle so extra?

LANCE: there are upside down pools and i bet that’s not just an “altean thing”. 

ALLURA: My father was a bit…eccentric when it came to his design choices.

ALLURA: Fighting Zarkon took a lot out of him, so he just kept adding more to the castle to decrease his stress.

LANCE: makes sense.

KEITH: How?

LANCE: dude, have you never watched the HGTV channel? home decoration is the fucking best way to disassociate without actually disassociating.

MATT: You mean de-stressing?

LANCE: oh yeah, that’s what it’s called.

HUNK: Yoooo those Property Brothers tho

LANCE: holy shit fuck up my house then fuck _me_ up ٩(♡ε♡ )۶

PIDGE: no

PIDGE: love it or list it is the best show on that network and you know it

MATT: What about House Hunters?

LANCE: boooooooooo.

HUNK: Nope, nope nope nope

PIDGE: why the fuck would i want to watch a show about dumb straight couples

PIDGE: “hi my name is kandy and this is my husband klidesdale and we’re looking for a three story house on the beach in california that’s only five minutes away from our work in new york and our budget is twenty bucks”

KEITH: Haha.

LANCE: keith, do you watch those shows?

KEITH: Nope. Was never that interested.

PIDGE: yeah, he was too busy fixing up his shack in the desert

LANCE: ummm i think you mean his one story rustic landscape seater with one bed and bath and a beautiful scenic view???

KEITH: Thanks.

LANCE: no prob bro.

HUNK: Oh please. Keith’s shack was the “before” house on that flip my house show

MATT: Yikes.

SHIRO: Getting back to the matter at hand…

SHIRO: Allura just opened the door, it scanned her hand.

PIDGE: what _can’t_ she do?

**[CORAN] entered [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

CORAN: Oh. Hello there!

ALLURA: Coran?! What are you doing in the control room?!

LANCE: massive plot twist.

CORAN: I’m warming up the castle. It’s a bit chilly, isn’t it?

PIDGE: but…?

MATT: But the fried systems!

CORAN: I took care of that. It was rather simple really, once I got the help of your lovely mice.

KEITH: So the mice were on our side?

CORAN: Of course they were, why wouldn’t they be?

PIDGE: maybe that’s what they want you to think

MATT: Katie.

CORAN: I’m surprised to see most of you are up before me, how have you been spending your morning?

SHIRO: Well, uh…

ALLURA: Er…

HUNK: Lance, you tell him over the comm

LANCE: ok so the castle froze and pidge got stuck in an elevator because she’s creative like that, then allura went to help but got stuck too, then we ranked everyone’s moral alignment and shiro almost lost his shit, then we discovered the mice were in control of everything and pidge was sort of happy about that, then hunk almost died of hypothermia so keith and i had to strip him and get him into a secret hot tub, then hunk woke up and shiro got pidge and allura out of the elevator.

CORAN: …

CORAN: I see.

LANCE: point is we’re all alright and lance is tired of being cold.

HUNK: Hunk is also tired of being cold

MATT: Matt is tired of people talking in third person.

PIDGE: you just said that in third person

MATT: I’m meta like that.

KEITH: Let’s get out of this secret hot tub room. I want to go clean Red.

PIDGE: keith

KEITH: What?

PIDGE: while hunk was asleep, did you and lance talk a lot?

PIDGE: while mentioning each other’s names in conversation?

LANCE: …what?

PIDGE: i’ve been compiling some data, and it’s not adding up

HUNK: Oh right, your math thing

KEITH: What math thing?

PIDGE: i was curious to see who talks the most out of all of us, so i ran a simple word search of our names

PIDGE: however, it also counted how many times that specific word was mentioned in conversation

PIDGE: i separated the data, and found something interesting 

ALLURA: I’m curious, what did you find?

PIDGE: i was looking at the percentages of how many times a person was mentioned by another person by name

PIDGE: for example, me saying “keith” would count in keith’s name percentage

KEITH: So what were the percents?

PIDGE: from least to most, it went like this

PIDGE: matt was mentioned 3.1% of the time, which is a lot considering he wasn’t a part of the group for a bit

MATT: Sure, that makes me feel better.

LANCE: matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt

MATT: Thanks.

PIDGE: coran was mentioned 3.7%, mostly by lance and allura.

LANCE: he’s my fav dude with a mustache besides ron swanson.

CORAN: Thank you, Lance! I’m sure Ron, son of Swan, is a great man.

HUNK: Oh he is

PIDGE: allura was mentioned 6.8% of the time, mostly by me and shiro

ALLURA: I’m flattered.

PIDGE: shtretretgzsdgfchgyiuh

MATT: Pidge just dropped her comm, one sec.

LANCE: gay.

PIDGE: shut up

PIDGE: shiro was mentioned 7.4% of the time, mostly by allura

ALLURA: I really like saying his name!

SHIRO: kjwhiuwgiukwhjrefolwkhrl

MATT: Wow. Bunch of butterfingers.

PIDGE: i was mentioned at 15.5%, mostly by keith

KEITH: Cryptid Central.

PIDGE: yup

LANCE: what?

KEITH: Nothing.

PIDGE: hunk was mentioned 19.7% of the time, mostly by lance

LANCE: he’s a lovely boy.

HUNK: Yup

PIDGE: then our two tops

PIDGE: lance was mentioned 21.6% of the time

PIDGE: and keith was mentioned 22.1% of the time

LANCE: what.

KEITH: Huh?

MATT: Raise your hand if you’re surprised.

MATT: That is quite a lot of people not raising their hands.

LANCE: who talked about me a lot?

PIDGE: you’re well divided mostly, with the top being hunk

KEITH: And what about me?

LANCE: you know what guys i’m tired i think i’m gonna go to bed it’s been a long day.

HUNK: /whisper [PIDGE]

HUNK: << Quick! He’s escaping! >>

PIDGE: lance has mentioned your name a lot

PIDGE: like, a _lot_

KEITH: What?

LANCE: WOW I AM SO TIRED I THINK I’M GOING TO RUN TO BED.

KEITH: Lance? 

LANCE: FUCK.

KEITH: Lance, wait, why did you…?

LANCE: GOODBYE AND GOODNIGHT EVERYONE.

KEITH: Lance! Wait, slow down, don’t—HOLY FUCINGSWEBFUCKSHITFUSHWHY

KEITH: _Who tied my shoelaces together????_

LANCE: ALWAYS BE PREPARED!

HUNK: How could you have been prepared for this?!

LANCE: I DON’T KNOW DON’T ASK ME QUESTIONS HOLY SHIT.

KEITH: You can’t run forever! I’ll FUCKING CATCH YOU!

LANCE: I HAVE LONGER LEGS SO I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY MULLET MAN.

**[LANCE] went idle**

**[KEITH] went idle**

ALLURA: Well then.

HUNK: Anyone up for a pancake breakfast?

MATT: Oh god yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ʕ·͡ᴥ·ʔ
> 
> i promise y'all some major klance next chapter 
> 
> i think i accidentally outed myself as a HGTV nerd but let's be real, who isn't?


	10. Will They or Won't They? Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)

KEITH: Lance, where are you?

LANCE: just north of FuckYou town.

KEITH: I want to talk.

LANCE: wow, isn’t it interesting how that’s literally not my problem?

KEITH: How is it not your problem?! You were the one that was saying my name so much that it showed up in the top percent!

LANCE: you did the same, but you don’t see me chasing you around the castle!

KEITH: I CHASED YOU BECAUSE YOU RAN!

LANCE: i ran because you chased me.

KEITH: Fine. I’m not going to chase you.

LANCE: cool.

KEITH: I’m going to tase you.

LANCE: not cool.

KEITH: Where are you?

LANCE: why the fuck do you want to tase me?

KEITH: Because Pidge gave me a taser.

LANCE: WHY DID PIDGE GIVE YOU A TASER.

:

:

:

PIDGE: remember that time i gave keith a taser?

HUNK: No

MATT: What.

HUNK: Why did you give Keith a taser?

PIDGE: idk i’m sort of becoming an agent of chaos lol.

:

:

:

KEITH: It’s just a little shock pencil thing that should slow you down long enough for me to get a few words in.

LANCE: that sounds like a safe and fun time.

KEITH: Really?

LANCE: fuck no what the fuck keith.

KEITH: Well maybe if you would stop running and hiding from me, we could talk like normal people.

LANCE: ok, first of all,

LANCE: i have no incentive to talk to you about anything ever.

LANCE: second of all,

LANCE: you’re a mothman enthusiast who lived naked in the desert for a year and i’m a runaway cargo garrison student who regularly talks to sentient mice in space. we’re not normal people.

KEITH: Wait.

KEITH: How do you know about Mothman?

LANCE: back at the garrison you would write his name on your exams and draw hearts around it.

LANCE: i figured it was a codename for someone in our class, so at first i thought you were just a dork,

LANCE: but then i googled it recently and discovered more than i was ever willing to discover.

KEITH: Don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand.

LANCE: i was more afraid by the sheer abundance of cryptid porn than anything else.

KEITH: That’s…understandable.

LANCE: like, do people not understand that antennas only appear on _heads?_

KEITH: I have a feeling you’re in a gym, so I’m going to the fourth floor.

LANCE: i mean, i’m the last person to shame anybody, but who the fuck looks at a moth and thinks “wowee i’m gonna fuck that”

KEITH: I think the elevators are moving faster now that Coran fixed them.

LANCE: the things i found were so strange, keith. sooooo strange.

KEITH: You're not in the gym.

LANCE: if bigfoot does exist, he probably wants to remain in hiding because of all the foot fetishers on his blogs. 

KEITH: You’re seriously not in the gym.

LANCE: and don’t even get me started on the fan art i found for the abominable snowman.

KEITH: Where the fuck are you.

LANCE: ice monster or not, _no one’s_ nipples should be that blue.

KEITH: So you’re willing to talk to me at length about online cryptid porn, but not about something that affects both of us in real life?!

LANCE: …

LANCE: in a word, yes.

KEITH: I’m honestly not surprised.

LANCE: wait, how does this affect both of us? literally, how does this have major consequences on our lives? why is this a big deal?

LANCE: who cares if we mention each other’s names a lot? why do you want to talk about it?

KEITH: I don’t know, why do you _not_ want to talk about it?

LANCE: because there’re some things i don’t want to talk about!

LANCE: look, i don’t talk shit about you behind your back, so you don’t have to worry about this.

KEITH: I wasn’t worried about that! I know you wouldn’t talk shit about me.

LANCE: then why are you chasing me?!

KEITH: Because…

KEITH: Shit.

KEITH: We really need to talk.

LANCE: ABOUT WHAT?!

KEITH: About us.

LANCE: **_WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT._**

KEITH: Don’t play dumb, Lance.

LANCE: i am actually 100% legit dumb right now so please explain before i vomit all over my communicator.

KEITH: …

KEITH: Wait.

KEITH: Why do you think we mentioned each other’s names a lot?

LANCE: uh,

LANCE: idk.

LANCE: probably cuz we’re the two paladins who are always getting into trouble? and so it’s constantly like “look at lance go” and “wow keith killed another dude”.

LANCE: it’s just constant excitement. 

KEITH: Right.

KEITH: And you don’t think it could be for any other reason?

LANCE: what other reason is there?

KEITH: I’d rather talk about this in person.

LANCE: i’d really rather not.

KEITH: Lance, this is serious.

LANCE: dude, are you kidding me?! EVERYTHING is serious around here!

LANCE: we’re protectors of the freaking fucking galaxy! zarkon is trying to steal our lions and take over the goddam universe and he’s going to try to kill us in the process! 

KEITH: That doesn’t mean we can’t talk about stuff!

LANCE: don’t you get it?! “stuff” comes secondary to our jobs! like, i can’t be stressed about “stuff” when i’m trying not to die!

KEITH: Sometimes we need something good to remind us that there are reasons we are trying not to die.

LANCE: great, but why can’t we worry about that stuff later?! why can’t we just fucking wait to see if we survive, and THEN we talk about “stuff”?! i don’t see what the fuck the problem is with that!

KEITH: Because I don’t want to wait to see if I survive! I want to live my life with the people I care about while I still can, while there’s still time left to talk!

LANCE: i don’t have the time, keith! i really don’t!

KEITH: Oh, so this is a personal thing?!

LANCE: and it isn’t for you?! 

KEITH: Of course it is!

LANCE: really? because you’re treating it like some sort of thing you _have_ to do, despite me not wanting to talk about it!

KEITH: What?

LANCE: don’t play dumb, keith. i don’t want my “stuff” to be rushed. this shit has to mean something.

KEITH: I’m not trying to rush things!

LANCE: sure.

KEITH: WE HAVEN’T EVEN DISCUSSED WHAT “THINGS” AND “STUFF” IS!!!

KEITH: **OW!**

KEITH: What the fuck?!

KEITH: What the fuck was that? Something just hit me!

KEITH: Wait…is this a candy necklace?

LANCE: maybe.

KEITH: Did you just throw your candy necklace at me?!

LANCE: idk, i probably did. i was in a rage.

KEITH: WHERE ARE YOU.

LANCE: look up.

KEITH: ……..Lance?

LANCE: hi.

KEITH: How did you—

KEITH: Oh no.

LANCE: lol.

KEITH: You found the anti-gravity boots again.

LANCE: i’m gonna go NOW.

KEITH: Wait! Stop!

LANCE: NOT GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN.

KEITH: Jesus christ how can you run so fast?!

LANCE: THESE LONG LEGS ARE SEXY **AND** PRACTICAL.

:

:

:

PIDGE: ok, fight to the death, who would win

PIDGE: danny phantom, or timmy turner?

HUNK: Danny Phantom would crush Turner

PIDGE: are you kidding me? did you ever _watch_ the fairly oddparents?

HUNK: Dude, Danny is already dead, what can he lose in a death match?

PIDGE: omg he’s only half dead know your fucking facts

HUNK: Ok, but Danny Phantom’s fourteen! Timmy Turner is, like, half that! Teenagers always win fights

PIDGE: you’re forgetting the episode where timmy wishes that everyone would stop aging forever, and then tells cosmo to forget about it, so in cannon he’s like 107

HUNK: What

PIDGE: yeah, timmy turner is basically a fucking chaos god, he could wish for a goddam nuclear powerhouse and POOF POOF he gets it

HUNK: But doesn’t that Arnold Scharswenager fairy keep him in check?

PIDGE: timmy turner is not bound by any laws, dude! think about it: he has the greatest powers known to mankind at his arsenal, and yet he spends his time wishing for shit like giant popsicles and rooms full of jellybeans

HUNK: Tbh, I’d wish for that too

PIDGE: tbh, you wouldn’t know what to do with power if it fell into your lap and gave you a kiss

HUNK: Are you…are you trying to say I should make out with a physical embodiment of power?

PIDGE: i’m not saying you _shouldn’t_ make out with it

PIDGE: but y’know

PIDGE: it’s your choice

ALLURA: It’s times like these I tend to question the lions’ judgement.

**[MATT] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

MATT: So, I just saw Lance running on the ceiling, screaming and laughing.

SHIRO: Gee, it must be Tuesday.

PIDGE: wow shiro made a joke

HUNK: Look at the funny-man go

SHIRO: Thanks.

MATT: Keith was chasing Lance.

HUNK: Wait, they’re still doing that?

ALLURA: I thought they already talked, and sorted out their “issue”.

CORAN: By “issue”, do you mean their unspoken romantic bond that has formed over a substantial amount of time?

PIDGE: wow ok i guess we’re gonna talk about this openly in the group chat

HUNK: It’s about damn time

SHIRO: Personally, I think we should just let them sort this out for themselves, and wait to see what happens.

MATT: Oh, like you did with Allura? The only reason you two got together was because she took initiative.

ALLURA: I know what I want, and I take it. ( ᵘ ᵕ ᵘ ⁎)

MATT: Blush alert: Shiro is really attracted to Allura right now.

SHIRO: How do you know? You’re not in the same room as me.

MATT: I shared a cell with you in space prison. I **know** you.

SHIRO: True. *space prison fist bump*

MATT: *space prison fist bump*

PIDGE: that was either the cutest or the saddest thing i’ve ever seen

HUNK: Like Lance and Keith’s love lives?

PIDGE: yup

SHIRO: So, are we helping them or not? Because I vote no, but if you guys really feel as though we should help them, I could be persuaded.

ALLURA: Well, how about we weigh the pros and cons?

CORAN: Excellent idea. I’ll keep score.

HUNK: Pro - if we help them, there may be a decrease in miscommunication

MATT: True.

PIDGE: con - they might not want our help

MATT: Also true.

SHIRO: Pro - them being together might raise team morale.

ALLURA: I like to think my relationship with Shiro has done that, who’s to say Lance and Keith wouldn’t?

PIDGE: con - what if they break up?

HUNK: I think we can rely on them to be relatively mature

:

:

:

LANCE: RUN RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, YOU CAN’T CATCH ME BECAUSE **I DON’T WANT YOU TO.**

KEITH: That doesn’t rhyme, it’s supposed to rhyme.

LANCE: ok, but consider this:

LANCE: fuck you.

KEITH: LANCE.

:

:

:

ALLURA: I agree with Hunk, while they can be nonsensical and outrageous at times, they would want to remain on friendly terms.

SHIRO: Matt, do you have any input on this?

MATT: Nope. I want to watch this whole thing play out from afar.

MATT: Like a big telenovela. 

HUNK: Lance would _reeeeally_ like that concept

PIDGE: i just thought of a pro

PIDGE: pro - i don’t want my friends to be sad about this anymore

SHIRO: Right.

MATT: Ouch

HUNK: Con - they’re both huge dorks

PIDGE: pro - they’re both huge dorks

HUNK: Yup

ALLURA: What’s the score, Coran?

CORAN: As of this moment, the pros have 4, and the cons have 3

ALLURA: Well then.

SHIRO: Should we end the vote there?

PIDGE: yeah, sure

HUNK: Ok, but what should we do now?

SHIRO: Maybe wait until they get back from their “talk” and take it from there.

HUNK: All this stuff about romance has got me really missing Shay

HUNK: Would it be cool with you guys if we gave her a communicator?

ALLURA: I don’t see why not, if Matt has one.

PIDGE: wait, does matt have a communicator?

MATT: I have a Galra one.

PIDGE: wow that won’t kick us in the butt later on

MATT: Haha ikr?

:

:

:

LANCE: cold.

LANCE: colder.

LANCE: really fucking cold, dude.

LANCE: like, your body parts are falling off because you’re so cold.

KEITH: How can I be cold when I’m in the same room as you?!

LANCE: lol no you’re not.

KEITH: Yes I am! You are playing “hot and cold” with me so you can obviously see where I am so YOU MUST BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME.

LANCE: oooooor i’m in matt’s room and found all his live action video screens.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: yeah, apparently he’s set up cameras all over the castle to play a live feedback into his room.

KEITH: Why would he do that?

LANCE: i dunno, maybe being trapped in space prison for a year has messed with his sense of trust and security, to the point where he has to take certain safety measures in order to find peace.

LANCE: or he’s just weird.

KEITH: Well, now I know where you are. And I’m on the same floor as you.

LANCE: k, have fun with that.

KEITH: Aren’t you gonna run?

LANCE: lmao no.

LANCE: matt upgraded the locks on his door. there’s no way you’re breaking in.

KEITH: Ok, but I can still hear you through the door.

LANCE: sure, but you can’t make me talk.

KEITH: You have essentially trapped yourself.

LANCE: or is it **you** who has been trapped??? _hmmmm???_ ╭⚈¬⚈╮

KEITH: …No.

LANCE: eh, it was worth a shot.

KEITH: I’m by the room, can you hear me?

LANCE: no.

KEITH: I just heard you say that.

LANCE: no you didn’t.

KEITH: Why are you being so stubborn?

KEITH: Oh, so you’re not going to talk now?

KEITH: …

KEITH: Fine. I’m going to talk, you don’t have to, but you might as well listen.

KEITH: I have a hard time opening up to other people, and talking about shit like this.

KEITH: But, I work well in a crisis, so I guess my brain has sort of catalogued this as a crisis.

KEITH: Because if things keep progressing like this, if we both keep refusing to talk about the elephant in the room, I think we’re both going to get hurt.

LANCE: i don’t see an elephant in the room.

KEITH: SEE?! That right there is the problem!

LANCE: …the lack of an actual elephant?

KEITH: Deflecting! Finding a distraction! Never talking about the actual fucking situation!

LANCE: keith, i don’t think there is a situation.

KEITH: I don’t believe you actually think that.

LANCE: wow i am going to be stuck in here forever.

:

:

:

**[HUNK] invited [SPARE] to [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

**[SPARE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

ALLURA: Welcome, Shay!

SPARE: Hello! I’m happy Hunk and Pidge gave me this communicator!

MATT: Have they shown you how the use it?

SPARE: I was able to figure it out on my own.

HUNK: My girl’s super smart

**[SPARE] changed name to [SHAY]**

SHAY: I think there are some people on this chat I have not met yet.

CORAN: And I would be one of them! 

SHAY: Ah, yes! The fur face!

PIDGE: _excellent_

CORAN: My name is Coran of Altea, and it is my honor to meet you!

CORAN: Well, not meet you per-say, as your family is still in the shelter farm we have provided for you.

SHAY: Yes, the adjustment is difficult, but preferable to our previous conditions.

CORAN: Ahem. Yes.

SHAY: Hunk has been incredibly helpful with the transition, he’s been very supportive.

HUNK: Aw shucks, you’re making me blush

SHAY: Oh no! I’m sorry!

HUNK: No, no that’s good! That’s a good thing!

SHAY: Oh.

SHAY: Than I shall make it my mission to make you blush more.

HUNK: Oh goodie!

MATT: Winner of best couple goes to Hunk and Shay.

ALLURA: Best couple?

PIDGE: uh oh

MATT: Uh, I mean,

MATT: You and Shiro are cute, but I really like watching Shay lift Hunk in the air.

SHAY: Hunk likes it too. :)

HUNK: I am fully willing to admit that, yes

ALLURA: If there’s a question of whether or not I can life Shiro, that can be easily answered.

MATT: No, it’s fine, we’ve seen you lift him.

PIDGE: now hold on a moment, maybe we should let allura prove her point

MATT: Katie.

PIDGE: **maybe we should let allura prove her point**

**[ALLURA] went idle**

HUNK: Totally saw this coming

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

SHIRO: Has anyone seen Lance or Keith within the last hour? I can’t seem to find them.

ALLURA: Shiro.

SHIRO: Oh, hi babe, what’s up?

MATT: He called her babe.

PIDGE: b a b e

SHAY: Hunk, should I call you that?

HUNK: YES.

HUNK: I mean

HUNK: Only if you want to

SHAY: Alright, babe.

HUNK: heeheeheeheeheeheehee

MATT: Useless. You all are useless.

ALLURA: Shiro, I’m about to prove a point.

SHIRO: Alright then, what are woAH THERE OKAY THEN.

ALLURA: I have acquired Shiro, I’ll bring him to the control deck, I’ll meet you all there.

CORAN: This is really unnecessary.

ALLURA: I think, Coran, that you’ll find I don’t care.

SHIRO: Haha wow, will someone tell me why I’ve been acquired and OKAY WE’RE RUNNING NOW.

ALLURA: Sorry dear, but would you please grab a tighter hold?

PIDGE: yeah shiro you ungrateful lucky madman, grab a tighter goddam hold

HUNK: Pidge, we really need to find you a girlfriend

PIDGE: 

****

:

:

:

KEITH: Lance, can you stop this craziness?

LANCE: what sort of craziness would you like to see?

KEITH: Wow.

KEITH: Are you…are you laughing at your own joke right now?

LANCE: yes because i’m a fucking delight holy shit.

KEITH: Lance, c’mon.

LANCE: wait wait wait i have the _best_ joke.

KEITH: Are you kidding me.

LANCE: so like my cousin-in-law told me this, she’s a biochemical engineer and like SUPER smart.

LANCE: she’s also blonde, and for some reason she loves dumb blonde jokes? idk it’s a thing.

KEITH: Why is this happening.

LANCE: the joke goes like this:

LANCE: a blonde walks into a library and goes to the front desk and says, “can i have a cheeseburger and a large coke?”

LANCE: and the librarian is like, “i’m sorry, this is a library”

LANCE: and the blonde is like, “sorry,” then whispers, _“can i have a cheeseburger and a large coke?”_

KEITH: Jesus fucking christ.

LANCE: HAHAHA WOOOO HOLY SHIT JUST COMEDY GOLD.

KEITH: You’re deflecting.

LANCE: lol deflecting? idk what you’re talking about.

LANCE: omg that reminds me of this thing that’s totally off topic and we should talk about it.

KEITH: Are we really going to keep doing this? Are we just going to keep going on like this and never acknowledging our feelings?

LANCE: …what.

KEITH: Look, I can keep playing this game where I pretend you’re not interested, and keep going to Pidge to talk about you, just so I can save myself from the possibility that you actually might not be interested, but I don’t think that’s getting me anywhere.

KEITH: If space has taught me anything, it’s that we don’t have time to just ignore things.

LANCE: lmao idk what space taught you, but space taught me that i have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO IGNORE THINGS.

LANCE: like, that’s literally how i keep my sanity.

KEITH: I think it’s how you protect yourself from rejection.

LANCE: …

LANCE: ok, that’s not something i want to talk about with you, dude.

LANCE: seriously. that’s a line you don’t fucking cross.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: fuck you, you really just thought that you can bring up shit like that?! just straight up confront me about serious fucking shit?!

KEITH: I’m sorry.

LANCE: haha wow..

KEITH: This goes two ways, you know! Fucking shit!

LANCE: what?

KEITH: Goddammit, I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t realize that you didn’t….I’m sorry.

LANCE: wait, what?

LANCE: keith?

LANCE: you don’t sound to good.

KEITH: No shit!

KEITH: I really care about you, Lance! _I really fucking care about you!_ But I keep fucking up and I don’t know how to handle a conversation and just….I just shouldn’t do this.

LANCE: …

KEITH: I’ll leave you alone.

LANCE: no, wait.

KEITH: Goddammit don’t call me back, that is so overdramatic.

LANCE: dude. all of our conversations are overdramatic, get over it.

LANCE: it’s hard for me to do this stuff too. 

LANCE: i care about you too.

LANCE: don’t think this is personal towards you.

KEITH: It’s kinda hard not to.

LANCE: yeah, well, maybe you should just tell me what you were really trying to say.

KEITH: …

KEITH: Um.

KEITH: I guess.

KEITH: Yeah. Maybe I should.

KEITH: This might be easier, since I can’t see your face.

KEITH: Lance, I………wait.

LANCE: huh?

KEITH: What’s that noise?

LANCE: wow that’s fucking convenient.

KEITH: No seriously, that sounded very weird.

LANCE: ok lemme check the cameras oh my god.

KEITH: What?

KEITH: What is it?

LANCE: there’s a hologram on the control deck.

KEITH: What?! From who?!

LANCE: um….a purple dude.

LANCE: with white hair??? 

LANCE: idk he looks like an alien luscious malfoy.

KEITH: So he looks like an elite racist homophobe?

LANCE: wow, someone knows their harry potter.

KEITH: Of course I fucking do.

LANCE: omg this guy reminds me of something.

LANCE: you know that spongebob episode where squidward gets hit in the head when he’s already handsome and turns super duper ultra handsome?

LANCE: this guy sort of reminds me of that. he doesn’t look like that, but he reminds me of that.

KEITH: Why does everyone keep referencing spongebob around me?

LANCE: um, because it’s iconic to our generation???

KEITH: Maybe we should head to the control deck.

LANCE: yeah. maybe.

:

:

:

MATT: Um, who’s that guy in the hologram?

PIDGE: correction, who’s that anime villain in the hologram?

HUNK: He…does not look friendly

HUNK: This is going to be bad, isn’t it?

ALLURA: …

ALLURA: Yes.

ALLURA: This is going to be very bad.

CORAN: Oh dear.

SHIRO: Who is he?

ALLURA: Hello, Prince Lotor.

**76nd99eknGL.887—.**

**ojhewqh444k..**

**009(eqazmmBBB).[[]]**

**EMERGENCY**

**EMERGENCY**

**EMERGENCY**

**WARNING**

**WARNING**

**WARNING**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (¬‿¬)
> 
> uh oh


	11. Will They or Won't They? Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to have this chapter out yesterday because of Lance's Birthday. My beautiful boy is a year older, holy fuck I'm so proud.
> 
> But I didn't, because I suck. (Also given the stuff that happens in this chapter, it's prob best I didn't release it on Lance's birthday.)

**[GALRA 1] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

PIDGE: …i don’t like you

GALRA 1: That does not bother me in the slightest.

PIDGE: wow holy shit i _really_ don’t like you

GALRA 1: Hello, Princess Allura.

ALLURA: What do you want, Lotor?

GALRA 1: My my, aren’t we testy today? And before I’ve said a single word of explanation.

SHIRO: Who are you, and what do you want?

GALRA 1: Ah, yes. The little prisoner runaway, safe and sound in the arms of the Princess of Altea. Both metaphorically and literally.

SHIRO: Uh, Allura? Would it be ok if you, you know, put me down?

ALLURA: What? Oh, right. Yes.

SHIRO: Thanks dear.

GALRA 1: “Dear?” Well, isn’t this interesting.

ALLURA: Lotor, state your piece before I lose my patience.

GALRA 1: An Altean courting an earthling? This hasn’t happened in, well, I don’t know how many years. Coran, do you have any idea?

CORAN: I have no wish to share any information with a spoiled little brat of a prince.

MATT: Fuck him up, Coran.

GALRA 1: And here’s the other escapee. How lovely to find all the Holts in one place. Well, most of you.

MATT: Where’s my dad, you sick purple fuck!

PIDGE: do you have him? are you holding him prisoner?!

GALRA 1: I can’t show all my cards this early in the game. Where would be the fun in that?

PIDGE: i’m going to rip your white anime hair off your scalp and shove it up your ass so it looks like you have a tail

PIDGE: **_where is my father?!_**

ALLURA: Pidge. Please. Now is not the time.

GALRA 1: Yes child, quiet down.

PIDGE: child?! OH NO HE FUCKING—

HUNK: Pidge! Wait! We don’t know what’s going on!

GALRA 1: And this must be the yellow paladin! Why, he’s just as lovely as all the reports say.

SHAY: Hands off, that’s my boyfriend!

GALRA 1: Dear gods Allura, did you really see fit to rescue _everyone_ in your path?

ALLURA: It’s the Voltron way.

GALRA 1: Yes, well, technically this girl and her family are still the property of the Galra Empire, so unless Voltron has made a habit of thievery…

ALLURA: How _dare_ you, you insufferable bigot—

SHAY: Princess, it’s fine. He’s not worth it.

GALRA 1: Hmm. How cute.

CORAN: Tell us what you want, Lotor.

GALRA 1: I’m afraid I cannot do that until all the paladins are present. You do seem to be missing an arm and a leg, as it were.

**[KEITH] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

KEITH: Who the fuck are you?

MATT: Did he just kick that door down?

HUNK: Are you surprised?

GALRA 1: Keith Kogane! Such an honor to meet you, truly!

KEITH: How do you know my name?

ALLURA: Keith, this is Prince Lotor, son of Zarkon.

PIDGE: otherwise known as Huge Shitlord I’m Going To Punch

KEITH: Not before I punch him first.

SHIRO: Guys, we will all get the chance to punch him.

GALRA 1: Quite sure of yourself, aren’t you?

SHIRO: We’re the defenders of the universe.

GALRA 1: And yet you’re still missing one paladin. Where are they?

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

LANCE: hey guys sorry i’m late to this week’s Disaster, those anti-gravity boots are super hard to take off and mr. mullet charged ahead without me.

HUNK: *lance arrives fifteen minutes late to a crisis with starbucks*

LANCE: you bet your sweet butt i do.

LANCE: who’s this asshole?

MATT: Prince Lotor, son of Zarkon, already the most obnoxious person I know.

PIDGE: awww, he took my spot?

MATT: Surprisingly, yes.

PIDGE: this bitch is going down

GALRA 1: Well now, my sources have been holding out on me! 

ALLURA: What do you mean?

GALRA 1: Nowhere is it mentioned that the blue paladin is startlingly attractive.

LANCE: what.

GALRA 1: Truly, this is a lovely surprise.

LANCE: lmao what.

HUNK: Keith, please put down the knife

KEITH: No.

HUNK: You can’t stab a hologram, Keith

KEITH: Maybe _you_ can’t.

GALRA 1: Oh my, this **is** delightful! The red and blue paladins are following their usual patterns!

KEITH: …Huh?

LANCE: patterns?

GALRA 1: Although this is rather disappointing for me, given the beauty of the blue paladin.

ALLURA: Lotor, this is none of your business.

LANCE: lol can someone please explain what the fuck is going on? am i being pranked?

GALRA 1: Wait, do my eyes deceive me? Are they not aware?

KEITH: Are we not aware of what?

GLARA 1: Oh Allura, you haven’t told them. Dear gods above.

ALLURA: Lotor, I’m warning you.

GALRA 1: Don’t worry, the history of the red and blue paladins is safe with me.

KEITH: History? What history? What is he talking about?

CORAN: Pay him no mind, Keith.

GALRA 1: Well this is good news for me, seeing as things haven’t proceeded quite as far as I originally thought. With that in mind, Lance, please do me the honor of telling me your lastname.

LANCE: haha wow all of a sudden i _really_ don’t want to do that.

GALRA 1: No matter, I will find it out eventually.

HUNK: Uh, I don’t like the way he’s looking at my best friend

PIDGE: guys. we’ve found the Fuck Boy.

SHIRO: What?

PIDGE: i knew there had to be one, i could **sense** it

PIDGE: i suspected lance for awhile, but this scenario disproves it

LANCE: whaaaat??? c’mon, why can’t i be the Fuck Boy?

MATT: You’re too nice.

HUNK: You’ll always be a Fuck Boy to me, bro

LANCE: thanks bro.

KEITH: Is anyone going to tell me why this guy’s here and what he wants?!

GALRA 1: The red paladin, always so spirited. But yes, it’s time we all got down to business. I’d like you to think of this as a check-in. I’m not going to destroy you just yet, but you should know that I have the means of hacking into your systems, like I have done just now.

SHIRO: Pidge.

PIDGE: on it

**[PIDGE] went idle**

GALRA 1: We should all be honest with each other. I have no intentions of forming an alliance with Voltron. I mean to kill you, and take your lions for the Galra Empire.

HUNK: Ok, but why do that when you can be nice?

GLARA 1: Trust me, yellow paladin, I am being nice. At least in comparison to my father, who would not do you the honor of formally introducing himself. 

ALLURA: Prick.

GALRA 1: Allura, why must it be like this? If you had accepted my marriage proposal all those years ago, things wouldn’t be this way.

SHIRO: What?!

ALLURA: I did not accept your marriage proposal because you disgust me, and the Galra Empire is a plague to the universe. I would never betray my kingdom in such a way.

GALRA 1: Pity. You’re still a bore.

HUNK: Ok, I’m ready to open a can of whoop-ass on this idiot, who’s with me?

SHIRO: Right behind you.

LANCE: wait, why warn us? what are you trying to do?

GALRA 1: Oh, he’s clever too. Kogane, you better make your move soon, before I decide to throw caution to the wind.

KEITH: Fuck off.

GALRA 1: Lance, to answer your question, I am being sincere. Consider this merely an introduction.

CORAN: Don’t trust him. He’s never sincere.

GALRA 1: Must you all insult my honor? I always maintain my dignity in these situations.

**[GALRA 1] changed name to [The Woody Collective]**

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

PIDGE: that was me

KEITH: Yeah, we figured.

LANCE: howdy sheriff.

HUNK: Howdy sheriff

The Woody Collective: _You would not believe your eyes_

ALLURA: …I am confused.

HUNK: It’s an earth meme

PIDGE: i hacked him so whatever he says is covered by Owl City’s Fireflies 

The Woody Collective: _If ten million fireflies_

MATT: Devote your life to science, they said. You won’t regret any of your choices, they said.

PIDGE: i regret nothing

LANCE: no ragrets

HUNK: Lol

SHIRO: Pidge, can you get him out of our systems?

PIDGE: he’ll be kicked out in thirty seconds

**[The Woody Collective] changed name to [LOTOR]**

LOTOR: When the time comes, I will kill the green one first.

SHIRO: You’d have to go through me.

LOTOR: That can be easily arranged. Farewell, Team Voltron.

ALLURA: Eat dirt, Lotor.

LOTOR: Charming as always, Allura. Lance, we will meet again. ;)

**[LOTOR] went idle**

HUNK: Did he just use a little winky face?

PIDGE: what a basic bitch

LANCE: i’m a little creeped out, guys.

LANCE: wait, no.

LANCE: i’m a lot creeped out, guys.

KEITH: Lance, don’t worry. I…

KEITH: We all will protect you.

ALLURA: Not only that, but Lance is more than capable of handling that creep.

SHIRO: I agree. You have nothing to worry about, Lance.

LANCE: …yeah.

ALLURA: In the meantime, we need to figure out how the hell Lotor hacked into our systems.

CORAN: I can’t find any unfamiliar activity, only someone entering the group chat.

HUNK: Pidge, this is where you start blasting the 80’s retro music and do something with a computer that looks cool

MATT: You literally just described the entirety of Katie’s existence.

LANCE: you missed the gay part tho.

PIDGE: guys, i’ve been looking and i don’t think prince low-fat “hacked” into anything

SHIRO: Then what were all those emergency warnings about?

HUNK: Um, when are there _not_ emergency warnings?

KEITH: Yeah. That’s sort of our thing.

LANCE: *cough cough*

KEITH: That’s sort of Lance’s thing.

LANCE: i can set things on fire that are physically incapable of catching fire.

CORAN: Hence the need for constant supervision when he is near a stove.

LANCE: what can i say? things tend to heat up around me.

MATT: True, Keith looked pretty “heated” when he chased after you earlier.

KEITH: …

LANCE: no comment.

HUNK: Of course

MATT: Oh no, no no no, we’re not leaving it at that.

MATT: What the fuck did you two talk about?

LANCE: something we both don’t want to continue talking about.

KEITH: Something _Lance_ doesn’t want to continue talking about.

HUNK: Uh oh

LANCE: keith.

KEITH: Like I said, I’m tired of skipping around this. I’m going to have that conversation with you.

ALLURA: Huh. I did not expect this development.

SHIRO: Same here.

LANCE: ok, but we’re not having this conversation right now.

KEITH: Why not? I’m pretty sure everybody here talks about us already.

LANCE: keith—

KEITH: We’re having this talk, buddy, and you’re going to listen to what I have to say, and then you can decide what to do.

MATT: Did he just use the word “buddy” aggressively?

HUNK: Keith likes to keep it PG13

LANCE: dude, did you not see what just happened?! our systems were hacked by an evil pshyco! this is exactly what i was talking about!

KEITH: What?

LANCE: we can’t have these fucking conversations when we’re dealing with emergencies like this!

KEITH: _When else are we going to have them?!_

ALLURA: Keith, I think you’re still a little upset from the Lotor encounter.

KEITH: OF COURSE I’m upset! He threatened to kill us, and he spent the whole time acting like he knew something we didn’t, and was looking at Lance like he…like…

LANCE: calm down before you hurt yourself, kogane.

KEITH: Allura, you have some explaining to do. Why was Lotor talking about the history of the red and blue paladins?

ALLURA: He was trying to upset you. It’s nothing important.

HUNK: It sounded important

SHIRO: Is the paladin history important?

ALLURA: In some cases yes, but this situation is a bit more…

KEITH: What?

ALLURA: Personal.

LANCE: what does that mean?

ALLURA: Trust me, I don’t think either of you want to hear this.

LANCE: well now i really want to hear this.

KEITH: What’s the history? Will it affect our future?

CORAN: It might.

ALLURA: Coran!

CORAN: Sorry.

KEITH: What is it?!

PIDGE: OK EVERYONE SHUT UP RIGHT NOW

PIDGE: matt, when you took your communicator from the galra ship, what was its classification?

MATT: Um…198SJKReS00.098?

HUNK: Please tell me you didn’t memorize that

MATT: Ok. I didn’t memorize that.

PIDGE: and what were the numbers that displayed across the screen earlier with the emergency warnings?

LANCE: uh, can’t you just scroll up and look?

PIDGE: can’t you just shut up and do what i ask???

LANCE: rude.

SHIRO: There were three numbers: 76nd99eknGL.887—. ojhewqh444k.. 009(eqazmmBBB).[[]]

HUNK: Is this supposed to be high tech? These look like keyboard smashes to me

MATT: My entire life is a keyboard smash.

KEITH: …Same.

LANCE: amen.

PIDGE: this doesn’t look good

CORAN: What’s going on?

PIDGE: ok so long story short, all of these numbers represent a communicator name, like PIDGE and HUNK

PIDGE: matt’s communicator classification is 198SJKReS00.098

PIDGE: from what i could figure out, 76nd99eknGL.887—. is supposed to be my communicator

PIDGE: ojhewqh444k.. is hunk’s

PIDGE: 009(eqazmmBBB).[[]] is keith’s

SHIRO: What?

PIDGE: ok so remember when the group chat was first started, and all our names were BLACK and RED and GREEN?

SHIRO: Yes, weren’t those the original programs?

PIDGE: no, according to the logs, the original names were just strings of numbers and letters and punctuation

LANCE: …

LANCE: yeah, that makes no sense.

MATT: Yes it does.

LANCE: how???

MATT: One word: computers.

LANCE: _that doesn’t explain anything._

PIDGE: however, what’s really interesting is that lotor is using a communicator called GALRA 1, and i can’t find the original numbers for that

PIDGE: which means it’s not in the log

PIDGE: so he has a legit communicator that can log into group chats without causing disruption, but that communicator is not part of the altean systems

PIDGE: and he also knows the numbers of me, hunk, keith, and supposedly matt

PIDGE: AND he was somehow able to set off emergency alarms without doing any hacking that i can see

CORAN: I believe the emergency messages were regarding his sending a hologram from a known Galra ship.

CORAN: The “warning” messages, however, have no explanation that I can see.

ALLURA: Yes, the warnings cut out before they could tell use what they were warning us about.

LANCE: kinda like my anxiety.

HUNK: ^^ True

SHIRO: What I want to know is how Lotor has a communicator, and how big of a threat he is.

ALLURA: Well, Prince Lotor has only represented the Galra in “diplomatic” situations in the past. He used to be seen as merely a figure head, who would rise to more importance once he married.

SHIRO: And he proposed to you in the past?

ALLURA: I immediately refused. Unlike him, I am not a figure head. 

ALLURA: Also, he stinks.

HUNK: Hey guys? Shay has been pretty quiet since Lotor got kicked out, I’m gonna go check on her.

CORAN: Alright, last I checked her and her family were still in the shelter.

**[HUNK] went idle**

SHIRO: So is Lotor a threat to us now?

ALLURA: In the rise of the Galra, he became known as a ruthless leader of special forces. He slaughtered many with no mercy. He became a criminal of the galaxy, but then the Galra took over.

ALLURA: Lotor’s dangerous, and a skilled liar. He often will cause others to doubt themselves. He preys on people’s fears to confuse them before he destroys them.

ALLURA: And like Pidge said, he’s a fuck boy.

PIDGE: headcanon confirmed

KEITH: How did he get a communicator called Galra 1?

ALLURA: I’m…not sure. 

CORAN: Maybe one of the history logs mentions something about that?

SHIRO: Alright. Pidge, could you do some digging for us?

PIDGE: sure. matt will help me

MATT: Ok yeah sure it’s not like I offered or anything but yup I’ll help because you said I would.

PIDGE: get off your lame neutral butt and come be a good guy.

MATT: Ugh fine.

SHIRO: In the meantime, Allura, do you want to go over the entirety of Lotor’s message? Maybe search for some clues as to what he’s planning?

ALLURA: Good idea.

CORAN: I’ll help.

CORAN: Also, could someone explain what the Woody Collective is?

LANCE: howdy.

PIDGE: howdy

KEITH: Howdy.

MATT: I’m gone for a year and I miss out on all the memes.

LANCE: so what do keith and i do?

SHIRO: You can help the rest of us, or search the castle. Unless there’s something you think need’s checking?

LANCE: nah, i’ll just do a castle search

LANCE: hey remember how we spent the entirety of this morning in a freezing castle?

MATT: Oh my god that happened.

CORAN: In the same day, no less.

PIDGE: things happen, we deal with it, we move on, let’s go

KEITH: Speaking of things happening,

LANCE: goddammit.

KEITH: Lance and I need to have a little talk.

LANCE: i thought we already did that.

KEITH: Yeah, but I have something important to tell you. 

MATT: Is this more important that stopping a tyrannical psychopath hell-bent on destroying us?

PIDGE: yes it is, let them do their thing, let’s hack shit

MATT: Wait, you’re on their side?

PIDGE: i’m on whichever side means less emotional constipation in my future

ALLURA: As am I.

LANCE: well it’s nice to know my personal life has become a subject of entertainment.

KEITH: We can go somewhere private, if you’d like.

LANCE: no, like, it’s actually nice to know.

LANCE: i live for the drama.

KEITH: Of course you do.

LANCE: ok so what do you need to tell me, dude?

LANCE: i have a castle to search and an evil disney villain to destroy so let’s do this.

KEITH: Um, well—

**[HUNK] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

HUNK: GUYS I need all of your attention RIGHT NOW

KEITH: I hate my life and I hate all of you for being a part of it.

PIDGE: noted

SHIRO: What is it? What’s wrong?

HUNK: I think I found out what the warning signals were for

CORAN: What were they?

HUNK: Something’s outside the castle right now and it’s BIG

PIDGE: seriously?! another giant robot alien we have to fight?!

ALLURA: The Galra don’t tend to be too imaginative.

MATT: How did we miss a huge alien robot?!

HUNK: Because it can turn invisible!

LANCE: cool.

LANCE: i mean, troublesome, but still cool.

SHIRO: Keith, were are you going?

KEITH: To the fucking lions. We’re going to form Voltron and get this over with.

PIDGE: he’s bitter

SHIRO: Ok, everyone follow Keith to the lions! 

ALLURA: Shiro, I’m coming with you in the black lion. I don’t trust this.

**[SHAY] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY]**

SHAY: I can help Coran in the castle! I’m moving my family inside.

HUNK: Please stay safe

SHAY: The same for you!

:

:

:

SHIRO: Lions, report in.

HUNK: Yellow lion ready to go

PIDGE: green lion here

MATT: Hi I’m also in the green lion.

KEITH: Red is just as pissed as I am.

SHIRO: I wouldn’t expect anything less.

SHIRO: Lance? Are you okay?

LANCE: uh, Blue doesn’t feel too good about this.

ALLURA: What do you mean?

LANCE: i don’t know, she just seems…edgy? and her controls are being super resistant.

ALLURA: That’s not a good sign.

HUNK: Neither is this giant robot alien thing holy shit

KEITH: Wow.

MATT: That’s a bit too big for me.

PIDGE: lance if you make a “that’s what she said” joke i will smack you with my robot lion arm

LANCE: spoil sport.

ALLURA: The robot appears to have some sort of giant laser gun attached to its arm, be wary of that.

KEITH: Be wary of what? I can’t see anything.

HUNK: Aaaaaand it just turned invisible

LANCE: that is less cool now that i know it really wants to kill me.

MATT: It really wants to kill _all_ of us, you’re not special.

LANCE: gee, thanks matt. super glad we rescued you from space.

KEITH: Wait, I can sort of see a glimmer.

PIDGE: it’s using a cloaking device!

HUNK: How the fuck do you know that

LANCE: dude, if you’re going to question everything pidge says, we’ll all end up dead.

LANCE: or worse,

LANCE: bored.

MATT: Somehow I’m finding it hard to be bored when I’m being attacked by a giant invisible robot with a laser.

LANCE: it’s attacking _all_ of us, you’re not special.

MATT: …Feel better?

LANCE: yes, actually.

KEITH: Could we stop fucking around and actually defeat this thing?

LANCE: someone’s space armor panties are in a twist.

HUNK: Wait, did the rest of you guys get space armor panties? Because the stuff I’m wearing are chaffing up a _storm_

ALLURA: While I do consider wardrobe malfunctions to be pretty important, we have a bit of a situation PIDGE LOOK OUT

HUNK: Shit!

PIDGE: _got it don’t worry i got it_

MATT: AAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAA

MATT: WAS THE TRIPLE BARREL ROLL REALLY NECESSARY?

PIDGE: we’re alive, aren’t we?

LANCE: name of my new rap album.

HUNK: I thought you were making a pop album

LANCE: my interests are wide and cultured.

PIDGE: you listen to ABBA on repeat

LANCE: like i said, **wide** and **cultured**.

KEITH: Ok we need to form Voltron _now._

ALLURA: Agreed. Get in positions.

HUNK: We really need to think of a better mantra to shout

PIDGE: _you stick your left foot in you stick your left foot out_

HUNK: Never mind

KEITH: What’s happening?! Why aren’t we forming Voltron?!

ALLURA: What’s wrong?

LANCE: uh, i think it’s Blue.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: she’s refusing to form.

LANCE: i think she thinks it’s a bad idea.

KEITH: Have you tried reasoning with her?!

LANCE: i don’t want to try to make her do something she doesn’t want to do.

KEITH: I’m not saying to do that, I’m saying to talk it out, so that she can listen to what you have to say.

LANCE: ok but she knows what i have to say and she’s still not having it so i’m not gonna push the subject.

PIDGE: oh boy

KEITH: Well maybe Blue should understand it would be better for the both of you if you had a talk.

LANCE: considering the very idea of having a talk is making Blue uncomfortable, i’m against the idea because i’m a caring friend.

KEITH: _And as a caring friend you should consider the consequences of not talking to Blue!_

MATT: /whisper [HUNK] << Since this plot is very contrived and basic, the only way this conversation is going to stop is if someone points out the obvious. >>

MATT: << That someone is you. >>

HUNK: << Ugh >>

HUNK: *ahem*

HUNK: “Gee guys, I don’t think this conversation is about talking to Blue anymore!”

LANCE: hunk’s right. 

LANCE: keith, _this_ is not the time.

KEITH: …

KEITH: Fine. Whatever. Who cares, right?

LANCE: ok i didn’t mean—

KEITH: Let’s just get this over with.

SHIRO: Um, we can’t really do that if we can’t form Voltron.

HUNK: Allura, any suggestions?

ALLURA: Well, I’ve been trying to message Coran—DODGE THAT LASER—but I can’t seem to get a solid connection through to him.

ALLURA: I don’t know what’s going on.

MATT: So, a giant robot who can turn invisible is attacking us, right after Prince Low-fat messaged us, we can’t form Voltron, and our connections are flimsy.

**[PIDGE] changed group name from [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY GAY] to [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY FUCKED]**

SHIRO: Thanks, Pidge.

PIDGE: anytime

HUNK: Guys, it’s getting pretty difficult to fight an enemy I can’t see!

HUNK: That last laser almost got me!

ALLURA: I’m assuming this is Lotor’s doing.

LANCE: wait, i have an idea.

LANCE: Blue, ice blast that glimmer thing!

HUNK: Yes! I can see an arm!

HUNK: And it’s coMING RIGHT AT ME HOLY SHIT

LANCE: hunk!

HUNK: I’m good it’s all good!

SHIRO: Lance, keep ice blasting the robot!

LANCE: um, i would, if Red would stop getting in the way.

LANCE: keith, what gives?

KEITH: I don’t know, she keeps tailing Blue.

LANCE: well just tail us from behind so i can aim!

KEITH: I can’t, she’s not doing what I say!

LANCE: well maybe try **talking to her.**

KEITH: OK I GET IT, YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME!

LANCE: that’s not what i said!

KEITH: Lance, I get that you’re scared and I understand that you don’t know what’s coming, but I fucking can’t deal with this!

MATT: Um, giant robot?

ALLURA: Shush.

KEITH: I want to be with you! Like, I want to date you! That’s all I wanted to say!

LANCE: …

LANCE: what?

KEITH: **Don’t pretend like you didn’t see that coming!**

LANCE: ok but thinking about it and then hearing you say it are two different things!

KEITH: HOW?!

LANCE: I DON’T KNOW IT JUST IS!

LANCE: and i want to date you too, you big dumb beautiful stupid weirdo idiot attractive moron, but you need to move your giant red ass out of the way so I CAN SHOOT ICE AT THE ROBOT MONSTER.

PIDGE: hunk, are you crying?

HUNK: Yes

KEITH: Ok! Red’s moving!

LANCE: Blue, _now!_

SHIRO: Spot on! Right at the head!

ALLURA: Woo-hoo!

PIDGE: fuck yeah!

KEITH: Lance?

LANCE: yeah?

KEITH: When we land back at the castle, I’m kissing you.

LANCE: ok.

LANCE: that is.

LANCE: yup.

LANCE: that is a good plan.

PIDGE: gay

HUNK: Finally

SHIRO: My controls aren’t working.

MATT: Oh shit.

PIDGE: wait

PIDGE: mine aren’t either what the fuck

LANCE: what? mine are fine.

HUNK: No something’s wrong with mine too

KEITH: Fuck, same

ALLURA: Nothing’s working?!

LANCE: Blue’s still fine!

SHIRO: I can’t….I can’t steer!

MATT: What’s going on?!

LANCE: **what the fuck was that?!**

ALLURA: What was what?

LANCE: something just….

LANCE: something’s very wrong.

HUNK: Lance?

LANCE: i’m…

LANCE: guys i don’t feel too good.

HUNK: _Lance?_

KEITH: What’s wrong? What’s going on?!

ALLURA: WE NEED TO GET LANCE BACK TO THE CASTLE RIGHT NOW.

SHIRO: We can’t! The controls shut down!

HUNK: Lance! Speak to me buddy, what’s happening!

LANCE: …i don’t

ALLURA: It’s Lotor, we need to get him out of the lion!

KEITH: Lotor?!

KEITH: LANCE EJECT YOURSELF NOW.

PIDGE: i don’t think he can hear you!

HUNK: Lance! Are you okay?!

LANCE: hunk

**[LANCE] disconnected from [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY FUCKED]**

HUNK: LANCE

SHIRO: His signal’s gone!

PIDGE: but the blue lion’s still here!

KEITH: What’s wrong?!

SHIRO: I don’t know how, but he’s physically gone from his lion!

KEITH: WHAT?!

HUNK: _Where is he?_

PIDGE: allura??? _  
_

ALLURA: ...

ALLURA: He’s with Lotor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )
> 
> and you guys thought last chapter's cliffhanger was bad


	12. Will They or Won't They? Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION ATTENTION PLEASE
> 
> ok so the reason i waited a bit before posting this chapter was because SEASON 3 DROPPED. 
> 
> the problem is i sort of had a plan for how i wanted this fic to go, and then voltron goes and adds a Fuckton of characters (though my gay ass is not complaining), and like actual important plot points, and so now i'm struggling between what i've planned to write and what's canon.
> 
> so i apologize if this fic doesn't really go along with canon at all. At All. if you want, this is just an entirely different AU that has no correlation.
> 
> though i do promise that certain female alien generals are going to make an appearance in this fic because Oh My God.

HUNK: Lance is gone

HUNK: He’s

HUNK: Where is he? Where did Lotor take him?

ALLURA: I don’t—

HUNK: **Don’t fucking say you don’t know, tell me where my friend is**

PIDGE: hunk, maybe—

HUNK: Shut up! You’re supposed to be looking for him, why aren’t you looking for him?! Be fucking useful and use your hacking skills and FIND HIM

SHIRO: Hunk, we’re trying to, but yelling is not going to help right now!

SHIRO: Keith, where are you going?!

KEITH: Where do you think.

CORAN: No! You can’t go after—

KEITH: WHY NOT?! Lotor took him, I don’t know what’s he’s doing to him, I need to find him.

HUNK: _You_ need to find him?! Who the fuck said you were going to be the only one on this rescue mission?!

KEITH: Because we need to act fast and none of you seem to care enough—

PIDGE: _wooooah_ what the fuck?!

HUNK: We don’t care enough? **We don’t care enough?!**

KEITH: We’re wasting time.

HUNK: No, I’m tired of you acting like a fucking broody angsty shit-head during times like this, who just does things by himself because he doesn’t trust anybody else!

KEITH: That’s not what’s happening.

HUNK: MY BEST FRIEND IS GONE 

KEITH: I know that!

HUNK: No, I don’t think you care about his relationship to anyone other than yourself! I’ve known him since I was eight-years-old and I love that idiot so if anyone’s going to rescue his ass it’s going to be me!

SHIRO: Woah, wait, no one’s going on a _solo_ rescue mission!

HUNK: You just think because you have feelings for him it gives you the right to decide what’s going to happen to him.

KEITH: Why would I think that?! If anyone thinks they’re in charge of Lance it’s you! You treat him like a child but you’re not jumping into actual action now that he’s gone—

PIDGE: both of you are being ridiculous and need to shut up right now! _we need to find lance_

KEITH: That’s what I’ve been saying!

PIDGE: and you’re not helping much besides that!

CORAN: I think it might be wise to—

HUNK: If you tell me to calm down I’m going to punch somebody

SHIRO: Hunk—

HUNK: **_I CAN’T LOSE HIM AGAIN_**

SHIRO: …

HUNK: He almost died before, have none of you remembered that?! He was almost gone! 

HUNK: I can’t—I can’t do this shit without him! Besides Shay, he’s the only person who makes all of this shit bearable and I can’t…I can’t…

HUNK: I need him back with me and he’s gone and…

HUNK: …

KEITH: Hunk.

KEITH: We’re going to find him. If it kills us, we’re going to find him.

KEITH: Look at me. Fucking look at me right now—

PIDGE: keith—

KEITH: We all love him, we’re not going to lose him. You and me, we’re going to find him.

HUNK: …Okay

KEITH: Ok.

HUNK: What do we do? We should go, we need to go

ALLURA: We know where we’re going. 

MATT: Allura, Shay, and I have been tracking down the coordinates, we should be able to somewhat follow the path but we need to act now.

MATT: Shay, Coran, and I will stay here on ground control.

ALLURA: The rest of us need to move. Let’s go!

SHIRO: Voltron, get in your lions! Allura, come with me!

**[HUNK] went idle**

**[KEITH] went idle**

**[PIDGE] went idle**

**[SHIRO] went idle**

CORAN: Allura, you need to find him.

ALLURA: I will.

CORAN: He’s…he’s important. To me.

ALLURA: He’s important to all of us.

ALLURA: We’ll bring him home.

**[ALLURA] went idle**

:

:

:

:

:

:

:

**SECURE CHANNEL CREATED**

**GROUP CHAT CREATED**

**INVITATION SETTING BLOCKED**

**SURVEILLANCE ON HIGH-ALERT**

**:**

**:**

**:**

**PRISONER STATUS: UNCONSCIOUS**

**:**

**:**

**:**

**PRISONER STATUS: UNCONSCIOUS**

**:**

**:**

**:**

**PRISONER STATUS: SEMI-CONSCIOUS**

LANCE: uuuh.

**:**

**:**

**:**

**PRISONER STATUS: CONSCIOUS**

LANCE: shit.

LANCE: what the—

LANCE: where…?

**PRISONER STATUS: HEART RATE INCREASE**

LANCE: what happened?

**PRISONER STATUS: MOVEMENT**

LANCE: where am i?!

LANCE: HEY!

LANCE: HEY WHERE THE FUCK AM I?

LANCE: HELLOOOO????

LANCE: ANYBODY THERE???????

LANCE: oh—what the fuck?!

LANCE: wow.

LANCE: that’s just…wow.

LANCE: IT’S KINDA RUDE TO, LIKE, CHAIN A DUDE TO THE FLOOR.

LANCE: YOU KNOW, WITHOUT HIS CONSENT? NOT COOL, BRO.

LANCE: ALSO, IT’S HELLA BORING. LOW-TECH. 

LANCE: IT’S REALLY BLOWING OFF THE ALIEN AESTHETIC THING YOU GOT GOING ON.

LANCE: LIKE THE CHAINS AREN’T EVEN PURPLE, AND YOU GLARA ARE ALL ABOUT YOUR PURPLE.

LANCE: I MEAN, I’M ASSUMING YOU’RE GALRA? THIS SEEMS LIKE A GALRA THING TO DO.

LANCE: WHO THE FUCK DESIGNS THESE PRISON CELLS? 

LANCE: I’M ACTUALLY INTERESTED. I WANT TO KNOW.

LANCE: I NEED TO KNOW THE NAME OF THE DUDE WHO LOOKED UP MEDIEVAL EARTH PRISONS AND THOUGHT “yup, that’ll work. lemme just go build that in my fucking space ship”.

LANCE: IF _I_ HAD A SPACE SHIP PRISON, IT’D BE THE COOLEST THING.

LANCE: I’M THINKING SOMETHING LIKE THE INCREDIBLES MOVIE, THE BIG GLOWING LIGHTNING-SUSPENDER CONTRAPTION.

LANCE: ONLY PURPLE.

LANCE: CUZ YOU GALRA ARE ALL ABOUT YOUR PURPLE.

**LOTOR OPENED CHAT LOG**

LOTOR: You are very loud.

LANCE: you should hear my mom.

LOTOR: I’m going to visit you.

LANCE: ok evil voice-in-the-wall, come visit me. 

LANCE: we’ll have a party.

LANCE: a BYOC party.

LOTOR: A what?

LANCE: a bring your own chains party.

LANCE: cuz i ain’t sharing mine.

**LOTOR CLOSED CHAT LOG**

:

:

:

MATT: Shay, do you have eyes on the blue lion?

SHAY: Yes. It is still outside the castle.

MATT: …Huh.

CORAN: What’s the matter?

MATT: Nothing, it’s just…

MATT: From everything I’ve seen, the lions are in-tune to the castle, correct?

CORAN: Well, in a way. There’s a lot we don’t understand about them, seeing as they are rather sentient beings, but they see the castle as home base.

MATT: Right. So, shouldn’t the blue lion be returning the castle? Since it’s so close.

CORAN: Well, uh,

CORAN: Huh.

CORAN: It should. 

CORAN: It most certainly should.

CORAN: Oh dear.

MATT: I mean, I don’t see anything wrong with it, it’s online. And still powered up. It’s not sleeping.

SHAY: It appears to be waiting for something.

MATT: What?

SHAY: The lion is looking up at the sky. It is waiting.

CORAN: Waiting for what? The rest of the lions? Its pilot?

SHAY: I do not know. The lion is just…waiting.

MATT: Well, it can join the club.

:

:

:

**PRISONER CELL MOVEMENT: LOTOR HAS ENTERED**

LANCE: ‘sup.

LOTOR: Hello, blue paladin.

LANCE: ok you’re, like, even more creepy in real life. no offense.

LOTOR: None taken.

LANCE: are we alone? are there guards or something?

LOTOR: The guards have left our general vicinity, but the security measures are still in place. The cameras are still rolling, as it were, and the barrier is still intact.

LANCE: cool.

LOTOR: You seem pleased by this.

LANCE: well, call me old fashioned, but i kinda like having a giant wall between you and me.

LANCE: even if that wall is see-through.

LANCE: and dude, seriously, you’ve got to let me know what kind of conditioner/shampoo combo you use, cuz that look is Tight.

LOTOR: Flattery will get you nowhere. 

LANCE: i mean, duh. i’m in chains.

LOTOR: Though I’ve heard you’re quite the flatterer. 

LANCE: yep. that’s me. universe flatterer.

LANCE: just…running around flattering people.

LOTOR: The last blue paladin was also like this.

LANCE: wait, you knew the old paladins? how old are you?

LANCE: cuz you look like the kind of guy who could be anywhere between seventeen and eleventy-seven.

LOTOR: The old paladins are common knowledge. Frankly, I’m surprised you don’t know more about them. It appears Allura has not told you much.

LANCE: that’s _princess allura_ to you, dude.

LOTOR: Well, if you enjoy titles, I insist you refer to me as Prince Lotor.

LANCE: i’ll refer to you however the fuck i want, Prince L’Oréal Commercial.

LOTOR: Oh, you’ve got a temper too. How cute.

LANCE: ……you’re weird.

LOTOR: So I’ve been told. You, however, are proving to be more interesting by the moment. It’s truly a wonder why Kogane has not acted yet.

LANCE: hold up, how do you know keith’s last name? and not mine?

LOTOR: Do you really think I will tell you that?

LANCE: idk dude. you like to talk.

LANCE: and what do you mean by “acting”? what’s that got to do with keith?

LOTOR: I’m referring to his attraction to you. I suppose he hasn’t truly acted upon that yet.

LANCE: ….uh….

LOTOR: Oh! What’s this?

LANCE: it’s me. in a prison cell. in chains. keep up.

LOTOR: He _has_ acted! Well, this changes things.

LANCE: what the fuck does that mean.

LOTOR: You can’t blame me for studying the historically significant patterns of the paladins, can you?

LANCE: historically significant….what???

LOTOR: Oops! Silly me, I did not mean to say that.

LANCE: drop the act, lucius malfoy. what’s going on?

LOTOR: Lucius malfoy?

LANCE: inside joke. now _spill._

LOTOR: Since you seem so eager to learn, I suppose I should tell you.

LANCE: that’s generally how it fucking works.

LOTOR: Surely you know that the lions of Voltron only accept specific pilots. Each one looks for certain traits in their partner. Any guesses as to what those traits are?

LANCE: allura’s explained this. like, the green lion prefers…pilots who are creative? problem solvers?

LOTOR: Close enough. And the yellow lion?

LANCE: uuuuuh stability. loyalty. compassion.

LOTOR: Black lion.

LANCE: leadership. duh.

LOTOR: Very good. Now, the red lion.

LANCE: …..why are you smiling like that?

LOTOR: Hmm?

LANCE: it’s like you know something i don’t.

LOTOR: I know a lot of things you don’t, Lance.

LANCE: don’t call me that. 

LOTOR: There’s no need to be rude. I’ve been very gracious to you.

LANCE: yeah. these chains are doing wonders for my wrist exfoliation.

LOTOR: You must understand, certain precautions must be made. I have no reason to trust you.

LANCE: what the—trust _me?!_

LOTOR: Yes. You see, I was hoping to discuss something with you, but given the present…circumstances of our political opinions, I thought it best to take matters into my own hands and ensure a safe atmosphere in which to discuss. 

LANCE: …..k. sounds fake, but k.

LOTOR: Now, where was I? Oh yes, the lions and their pilots. The red lion and the blue lion are interesting. They are the most lively out of the group, which is curious, considering their positions as a sword wielder and a supporting leg. As such, they demand active pilots.

LANCE: can you be anymore condescending?

LOTOR: The red lion demands a fighter, someone who is going to stand up for what they believe in, and more importantly, someone who will do whatever it takes to fight for their teammates. 

LANCE: guess that explains a few things.

LOTOR: The blue lion needs a cooperative pilot, someone who works well with a team. Brings them closer together. Presents a goal and fights for it. They are curious, insightful, easy communicators. Much like the yellow pilot, they bring support.

LANCE: um.

LOTOR: In fact, some would say that without the blue lion, Voltron would not work as a team.

LANCE: _um._

LOTOR: If someone were to do such a thing as, well, take away the blue pilot, who knows how the team would work together? Destruction from the inside, as it were.

LANCE: _UM._

LOTOR: But, no matter. On with my explanation.

LANCE: jfc.

LOTOR: All the lions follow patterns, as they look for specific traits. It is said that each pilot that comes along affects their lion in different ways, changing them. The same could be said from lion to pilot.

LANCE: what do you mean? Blue’s changed me?

LOTOR: Yes, even before you came to pilot her.

LANCE: what???

LOTOR: Allow me to demonstrate. Without knowing you, I already know that you are best friends with the paladin of the yellow lion, Hunk. You look up to Shiro, but you wish that he would respect you more as a paladin and teammate. You see the Holt girl as a little sister, though you greatly respect her expertise. And Keith, well…

**PRISONER STATUS: HEART RATE INCREASE**

LOTOR: The red paladin holds a rather special place in your heart, doesn’t he?

LANCE: how long have you been spying on us?

LOTOR: I haven’t been. They only time I’ve initiated contact was during my hologram message.

LANCE: liar.

LOTOR: Many believe the red and blue lions are lovers. Companions throughout life. These emotions run deep, and affect those of the pilots.

LANCE: shut up.

LOTOR: The red and blue paladins of old had affection for each other, whether or not they acted on it. This has clearly happened again.

LANCE: why the fuck should i believe you?

LOTOR: Hasn’t Allura kept secrets from you? Hidden things from your knowledge? You don’t know the history of Altea, the good and the bad. You don’t know the history of my father, and all the universe has taken from him and my mother. Is it so unlikely of Allura to keep this from you? She wouldn’t want to scare you off before forming her team.

LANCE: …

LOTOR: You are young. The lions’ emotions, though they do not mean to, have affected you strongly. 

LANCE: what are you saying.

LOTOR: Whatever crush you might have had on Keith Kogane back on earth has developed into true affection. Rather quickly, don’t you think?

LANCE: are you trying to tell me that whatever… _feelings,_ i have for keith, are only because of the lions’ big gay love for each other?

LOTOR: Well, I don’t know if I’d phrase it like that.

LANCE: that’s dumb. i know my own mind.

LOTOR: Then think. Have you had any severe hesitations about starting a relationship with Keith?

LANCE: that’s none of your fucking business.

LOTOR: It’s not just the red lion who has affected you. Don’t you miss your home? Your planet? Your family? Why haven’t you returned yet?

LANCE: that’s…i don’t…

LOTOR: It’s standard that the pilots give up everything for Voltron, for the universe. It makes sense that in order to ensure this, the lions meld with their pilots, aligning them with their own ideals. You are smart, surely you see the sense.

LANCE: fuck off.

LOTOR: Do not lash out at me because you are angered with the truth. You have neglected your family and your home planet. You have fallen in love all too quickly with a boy you barely know. You have given up all your loyalties to an alien warrior which sees you as merely a tool for the universe. What do you have to say for these actions?

**PRISONER STATUS: HEART RATE INCREASE**

**PRISONER STATUS: EXTREME DISTRESS**

LANCE: what do you want, lotor?

LOTOR: In short, you.

:

:

:

SHAY: Um, Matt? Coran?

CORAN: Yes what is it?

MATT: Shit what’s wrong now?

SHAY: The blue lion appears to be moving.

CORAN: Oh dear.

MATT: Please tell me it’s moving towards the castle _please tell me it’s moving towards the castle._

SHAY: It is not moving towards the castle.

MATT: W o n d e r f u l.

CORAN: What is it doing?!

SHAY: You should contact Princess Allura.

:

:

:

LOTOR: Lance, you are a valuable member of your team.

LANCE: cool.

LOTOR: Your skills could be used for a greater purpose.

LANCE: rad.

LOTOR: I could certainly use your expertise. 

LANCE: i could certainly use your mouth shutting the fuck up.

LOTOR: Why must you be difficult?

LANCE: idk, i think my LITERAL PRISON CHAINS aren’t color coordinated.

LOTOR: You’re smart, paladin. Now that you are away from lions, you must see the sense in what I’m telling you. Was it really your choice to join Voltron? Do you truly hold any loyalty towards your so-called friends?

LANCE: wow you’re a whiny little shit.

LOTOR: But most importantly, do they truly hold any loyalty towards you?

LANCE: …what.

LOTOR: Come now, did you really think they care about you as much as they claim to? 

LANCE: you’re trying to…to…

LOTOR: Where are they now? You’ve been gone for quite awhile, and I haven’t been secretive about my coordinates.

LANCE: shut up.

LOTOR: Face it, Lance. You’re alone.

**PRISONER STATUS: EXTREME DISTRESS**

LANCE: …

LOTOR: Well. I think it’s only wise that I leave you to your thoughts. And tears.

LANCE: …

LOTOR: I hope you will have an answer for my request when next I return.

**PRISONER CELL MOVEMENT: LOTOR HAS EXITED**

LANCE: …

LANCE: …

LANCE: …

LANCE: well that sucked.

**PRISONER CELL MOVEMENT: PRISONER MOVEMENT**

LANCE: time to shut you off.

**PRISONER CELL MOVEMENT:**

**PRISONER CELL MOVEMENT:**

**WARNING WARNING WARNING**

**PRISONER CELL 19998 WARNING**

**—————————**

LANCE: aaaaand there we go.

LANCE: this is going to be a very weird day for me.

LANCE: and that’s fucking saying something.

:

:

:

SHIRO: Allura, your communicator!

ALLURA: I know, it’s Coran, but his signal is weak!

PIDGE: what’s happening?

ALLURA: Coran is trying to get a message through, but I am unable to read it.

KEITH: Whatever it is, we don’t have time for it.

SHIRO: It might be something important.

ALLURA: Keith’s right, we have to keep pushing through.

HUNK: Uh, guys?

HUNK: I think I know what the message was about

PIDGE: is that

PIDGE: is that the blue lion

KEITH: WHAT?!

KEITH: WHO’S PILOTING IT?!

SHIRO: There’s no one in the pilot’s seat, it’s flying itself!

ALLURA: Incredible…

PIDGE: what the hell?!

HUNK: Why is it stopping by Red? 

KEITH: Uh I think,

KEITH: I think my lion and Lance’s lion are talking.

ALLURA: What are they saying?

KEITH: …

KEITH: …The blue lion is calling to me.

SHIRO: _What?_

KEITH: She wants me to pilot her, she knows where Lance is, she needs my help.

ALLURA: Keith, what you’re thinking of doing right now, you can’t.

SHIRO: Allura’s right, we can’t trust this.

KEITH: It’s fine. I trust her.

PIDGE: holy fuuuuuck

HUNK: Keith what are you doing oh gOD KEITH NO YOU CAN’T JUST FLOAT OUT OF

HUNK: There he goes

SHIRO: Keith! Don’t!

PIDGE: yeah like shouting that will work

ALLURA: Amazing! The blue lion is accepting him as her pilot!

HUNK: And they’re leaving! Red and Blue are leaving! We need to follow them!

SHIRO: Come on, follow the blue lion!

ALLURA: Let’s go!

PIDGE: all this is very anime 

KEITH: I’m telling Matt you said that.

PIDGE: fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> σ(≧ε≦ｏ) 
> 
> just so you know, i totally planned the whole "lion switch" thing before i saw season 3. 
> 
> please read the top notes if you haven't already, and thank you all for reading my trash.


	13. Cue Mission Impossible Music Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?

**[NEW GALRA CHAT OPENED]**

**[GALRA 3446.88 OPENED]**

**[GALRA 22233.5 OPENED]**

GALRA 22233.5: And then I said, _“Well, if you want to act like a winguardlo zow, be my guest.”_

GALRA 3446.88: Wow. What did she say?

GALRA 22233.5: You know my mom. She got all mad and wouldn’t talk to me.

GALRA 3446.88: Ouch.

GALRA 22233.5: Yeah. But enough about me, how was that date last night?

GALRA 3446.88: Really good, actually.

GALRA 22233.5: She works on the lower decks of the main ship, right?

GALRA 3446.88: Yeah. She’s so strong, it’s amazing.

GALRA 22233.5: Nice, so does she—

**[PIDGE OPENED]**

PIDGE: buongiorno motherfuckers

**[SHIRO OPENED]**

SHIRO: Really? That’s what you open with?

PIDGE: shut up i’m cool

SHIRO: You never told me you were Italian.

PIDGE: you never asked

GALRA 22233.5: RED ALERT! WE GOT INTRUDERS ON DECK 6! SOUND THE ALARM!

GALRA 3446.88: OPEN FIRE!

**[HUNK OPENED]**

HUNK: AAAAAAAAAAAA

**[GALRA 3446.88 CLOSED]**

**[GALRA 22233.5 CLOSED]**

SHIRO: Uh, Hunk?

SHIRO: We kinda wanted to subdue them, so we could ask questions.

SHIRO: Not fully knock them out.

HUNK: Yeah, sorry, got kinda carried away there

PIDGE: you kicked one in the face while throwing the other into a wall

HUNK: My best friend is missing, I’m stressed, maybe we should cut me some slack???

PIDGE: no, dude, i’m not complaining

PIDGE: that was _awesome_

SHIRO: Has anyone seen Keith recently?

HUNK: He’s still flying around with the red and blue lions

SHIRO: Of course he is.

SHIRO: In the meantime, I’ll go help Allura break into the head security room.

PIDGE: let me guess, you want me to disable the alarms?

SHIRO: Please?

PIDGE: i’m on it

HUNK: I’m gonna continue looking for Lance

SHIRO: Alright, but stick with Pidge. Don’t get separated. That’s a rule.

PIDGE: is keith, like, exempt from this rule?

SHIRO: No. I’m grounding him later.

PIDGE: cool

:

:

:

KEITH: …

KEITH: …

KEITH: …

KEITH: This is stupid.

KEITH: I’m not _doing_ anything, I’m just sitting here and…

KEITH: Shit.

KEITH: Lance is in trouble, and I’m sitting in his lion like an idiot, letting her take me wherever.

KEITH: This could be a trap.

KEITH: This could be a trap, holy shit.

KEITH: I could be taking the Red and Blue lions to Zarkon.

KEITH: But I can’t just, I mean…

KEITH: Just…

KEITH: What do I—

KEITH: …Don’t…

KEITH: …

KEITH: I don’t know what I’m doing.

KEITH: I never know what I’m fucking doing.

KEITH: And I’m not going to find him.

KEITH: Is this your way of telling me this?! HEY! BLUE! IS THIS WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO FUCKING SAY?!

KEITH: THAT I’LL NEVER FIND HIM AND I’M THE NEW FUCKING BLUE PILOT???

KEITH: ARE YOU REALLY TAKING ME TO HIM OR WAS THAT BULLSHIT?!

KEITH: I DON’T— _what the—_

**[PHOTOS ACCESSED]**

**[“The Fam” DISPLAYED]**

KEITH: Is that…

KEITH: Is that Lance’s family?

**[SHOWING DOWNLOAD HISTORY]**

KEITH: He downloaded this from his phone back on earth.

KEITH: Holy shit.

KEITH: He has a lot of cousins.

KEITH: Or are those siblings?

KEITH: …And that’s his mom.

KEITH: She looks,

KEITH: She looks very nice.

KEITH: …

KEITH: They miss him.

KEITH: He misses them.

KEITH: Why hasn’t he contacted them?

**[PLAYING AUDIO RECORDING]**

_— —_

_LANCE: thanks for the download, Blue. that must’ve been rough._

_LANCE: i needed a good pic of the fam so i can_ **_~ make myself feel baaaaad ~_ **

_LANCE: cuz i miss their dumb faces._

_LANCE: just look at rafio._

_LANCE: look at how dumb his face looks._

_LANCE: what a legend._

_LANCE: …_

_LANCE: nah. i shouldn’t call my mom._

_LANCE: that would…i mean, that would put them all in danger._

_LANCE: like, you’re probably recording this convo right now._

_LANCE: i can’t give the enemy their contact info or whereabouts lol._

_LANCE: yeah._

_LANCE: …_

_LANCE: life sucks, Blue._

_— —_

KEITH: Jesus.

KEITH: I didn’t…I didn’t think…

KEITH: And Hunk probably misses his moms.

KEITH: And Pidge and her mom.

KEITH: _Fuck._

KEITH: This is messed up, it’s like we’re being held hostage for—

**[PHOTOS ACCESSED]**

**[“The Space Fam” FOLDER DISPLAYED]**

KEITH: What are…

KEITH: He took these with the communicator.

**[“Shiro the Emo” FOLDER ACCESSED]**

KEITH: These are photos of Shiro.

KEITH: And they’re all horrible.

KEITH: There’s one named “got mud on your face, you big mud face”, and it’s just a picture of Shiro with mud on his face.

KEITH: What the fuck, Lance.

**[“The Bae” FOLDER ACCESSED]**

KEITH: Ok, the Hunk folder.

KEITH: Wow. There’s a lot of these.

KEITH: All of the photo titles are weird.

KEITH: This one’s called “sit on me daddy”.

KEITH: Jesus christ.

**[“don’t feed her after midnight” FOLDER ACCESSED]**

KEITH: …

KEITH: We need to find the person who taught Pidge how to dab, and we need to end their life.

**[“Slay Queen” FOLDER ACCESSED]**

KEITH: How the fuck did he get a picture of Allura in a fedora.

KEITH: …

KEITH: Send this to my communicator.

**[“i’m a lady, m’lady” PHOTO SENT]**

**[“Coran the Man” FOLDER ACCESSED]**

KEITH: These are all just close-ups of Coran’s mustache.

KEITH: Really detailed close-ups.

KEITH: _Really_ detailed.

KEITH: There’s so many bristles.

KEITH: Yikes.

KEITH: Okay I don’t want to look at this anymore why can’t I stop looking at this Blue help me.

**[“come at me scrublord” FOLDER ACCESSED]**

KEITH: There’s only one picture.

KEITH: It’s just Matt spilling milk down his shirt.

KEITH: That’s it.

KEITH: And

KEITH: And it’s amazing.

KEITH: This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

**[“he dresses like a pokemon trainer and no one calls him out on it” FOLDER ACCESSED]**

KEITH: …

KEITH: This is my fucking folder, isn’t it.

KEITH: Lemme guess, there’s going to be a bunch of blurry pictures titled “mullet disgrace” and “pete wentz’s fuck boy”, why did you want to show me—

KEITH: Wait.

KEITH: None of these are—

KEITH: They’re just…normal pictures.

**[PLAYING AUDIO RECORDING]**

_— —_

_HUNK: Lance_

_HUNK: Remember how you told me to let you know if you ever got “too obvious” about Keith?_

_LANCE: um, no._

_HUNK: You did_

_LANCE: ok._

_HUNK: You’re being a bit obvious, buddy_

_LANCE: what?! no i’m not!_

_HUNK: …_

_LANCE: i have a photo folder for everybody!_

_HUNK: Yeah, but all the other ones are “dank” or whatever_

_LANCE: don’t just throw around the word Dank, you don’t know its power._

_HUNK: This folder looks different from the others_

_LANCE: how???_

_HUNK: Dude are you blind?!_

_HUNK: It’s a bunch of photos of Keith smiling!_

_LANCE: so?_

_HUNK: SO_

_HUNK: He never smiles_

_HUNK: Like, he broods_

_HUNK: That’s his thing_

_HUNK: He has different levels of brooding_

_HUNK: Happy brooding, sad brooding, hungry brooding, angry brooding, tired brooding_

_LANCE: brooding brooding._

_HUNK: Yes!_

_LANCE: ok, but the dude’s human, he smiles occasionally._

_HUNK: You mispronounced “rarely”_

_LANCE: what’s your point._

_HUNK: My point is that all of us have seen Keith smile a total of 3.5 times, and yet somehow, you’ve managed to get 15 candid shots of a grinning Kogane_

_LANCE: …_

_HUNK: It’s a little gay, dude_

_LANCE: it’s uh…it’s a joke._

_HUNK: Uh huh_

_LANCE: it’s a rare sighting._

_LANCE: like a cryptid._

_HUNK: You only know what a cryptid is because Keith told you_

_LANCE: ok i don’t see what the big problem is, i’m the only one who sees these._

_HUNK: I know bro, I’m only teasing you_

_HUNK: Everyone needs a little gay folder to keep them sane_

_LANCE: tru._

_HUNK: Honestly? I wanna know why you have these pics of everyone_

_HUNK: I mean, I get it, but I also sort of don’t_

_LANCE: lol it’s nothing really._

_LANCE: just a hobby that calms me down._

_LANCE: reminds me that i care about these ppl, and they’re worth fighting for._

_HUNK: That’s good_

_LANCE: healthy, right?_

_HUNK: I would agree, if you weren’t holding a fedora_

_LANCE: lmao it’s not for me, i have a plan._

_HUNK: I’m not going to like this plan_

_LANCE: sure you will!_

_LANCE: now help me find allura, she’s hiding._

_— —_

KEITH: …

KEITH: Hey, Blue?

KEITH: I’m sorry.

KEITH: About yelling at you earlier.

KEITH: You obviously care about him.

KEITH: A lot.

KEITH: I want to help you find him.

KEITH: And there’s a lot of people beside us who care about him.

KEITH: So let’s work together on this.

KEITH: Sound good?

**[PROPELLING ROCKETS LAUNCHED]**

KEITH: ‘Atta girl.

KEITH: Let’s go!

:

:

:

**[SHIRO OPENED GALRA CHAT 378]**

SHIRO: Allura—

ALLURA: AAAAAAAAAAA **AAAAH!**

SHIRO: HOLY SHIT!

ALLURA: Shiro?

SHIRO: WHY’D YOU THROW A CHAIR AT ME?!

ALLURA: You scared me!

SHIRO: Wait that wasn’t a chair—

SHIRO That was a _body!_

ALLURA: He’s not dead, if that’s what you’re worried about.

SHIRO: I’m worried about a lot of things so I don’t even know if I care at this point.

ALLURA: There were two guards working the systems, I knocked them out. They were arguing about something. There’s something wrong here.

SHIRO: What’s wrong?

ALLURA: If I knew I would tell you but I don’t know so I **can’t tell you.**

SHIRO: Yup. Noted. Gotcha.

ALLURA: I trying to get the monitor to turn the alarm off, but it’s telling me that the security systems have already been shut down, which doesn’t make sense because it’s showing they weren’t shut down from the ship’s controls so I don’t know what’s wrong.

SHIRO: But isn’t that good news? For us I mean.

ALLURA: It might be, but I don’t consider anything good unless I completely understand it.

SHIRO: You’re so smart.

ALLURA: I know. <3

SHIRO: It might be Pidge, I told her to hack into the alarm and turn it off.

ALLURA: Yes, that might explain it.

SHIRO: I’ll call her.

**[SHIRO INVITED PIDGE TO GALRA CHAT 378]**

**[PIDGE OPENED GALRA CHAT 378]**

PIDGE: what’s the sitch

SHIRO: What?

PIDGE: you know, “what’s the sitch wade”

SHIRO: …What?

PIDGE: call me beep me if you wanna reach me

SHIRO: Are you having a stroke?

PIDGE: how have i not shown you kim possible yet

**[HUNK OPENED GALRA CHAT 378]**

HUNK: Put it on the to-do list right after “find Lance, save the universe, and defeat Zarkon"

ALLURA: And buy milk.

HUNK: …

PIDGE: ?

ALLURA: We’re out of milk.

SHIRO: Pidge, did you shut down the alarm and security systems?

PIDGE: no, they were already off

ALLURA: And you didn’t think that was strange?

PIDGE: no? i thought you did that

ALLURA: I wish I did, but it looks like something else.

SHIRO: Something not Galra.

HUNK: Well whatever it is, it’s working in our favor, so let’s use it while we can

SHIRO: We might as well.

ALLURA: …Fine.

PIDGE: k, hunk and i are gonna hang up

ALLURA: We’ll stay in the control room.

**[PIDGE went idle]**

**[HUNK went idle]**

:

:

:

PIDGE: soooooo

PIDGE: do you know where we’re going?

PIDGE: because i don’t know where we’re going

HUNK: I’m heading towards the deck where they keep the prisoners

PIDGE: ok

PIDGE: how do you know where that is?

HUNK: I’m assuming it’s the most guarded area, so it’s gotta be deep within the ship

PIDGE: sounds plausible

HUNK: Look! Over there, that corridor!

PIDGE: that’s gotta be it

PIDGE: but…

HUNK: Let’s go!

PIDGE: wait!

HUNK: What do you mean wait?! That’s where they keep the prisoners!

PIDGE: yeah but

PIDGE: don’t you think it’s weird that there’s no guards posted?

PIDGE: like it was super easy to get down here

PIDGE: this seems like a trap

HUNK: This whole thing is probably a trap!

HUNK: Kidnap the blue lion’s pilot, so that we’ll show up and bring our lions

PIDGE: i mean, yeah, but we sent the lions off under cloaking devices, except Blue and Red

PIDGE: lotor might just want to capture the pilots

HUNK: Those guards we knocked out earlier weren’t ready for us, maybe he didn't know we’d track him

PIDGE: i don’t know man, i got a bad—

HUNK: Don’t you dare say what you’re about to say because if you say that we’re all doomed

PIDGE: yeah you’re right

PIDGE: let’s just…go in and rescue our boy

HUNK: Right

HUNK: Uh

HUNK: The door’s already unlocked

PIDGE: uh oh

HUNK: Aaaaand there’s six guards in here

HUNK: Unconscious and tied up

PIDGE: …

PIDGE: there’s the prison cells

HUNK: Which are all empty

PIDGE: yup

HUNK: **Shit**

PIDGE: yup

:

:

:

**[LOTOR OPENED HIGH GALRA LEVEL CLEARANCE 900 CHAT]**

**[ACXA OPENED HIGH GALRA LEVEL CLEARANCE 900 CHAT]**

**[NARTI OPENED HIGH GALRA LEVEL CLEARANCE 900 CHAT]**

**[EZOR OPENED HIGH GALRA LEVEL CLEARANCE 900 CHAT]**

**[ZETHRID OPENED HIGH GALRA LEVEL CLEARANCE 900 CHAT]**

ACXA: Our security systems have been breached. Alarms are down. Video feed is down. Scanning is down. Sensors are down.

LOTOR: I am aware.

ACXA: The paladins are here.

LOTOR: Yes.

EZOR: Um, shouldn’t we be warning the ship? 

LOTOR: We will, in a way. Acxa, have decks 14 and below evacuate.

ACXA: Alright.

EZOR: Why can’t we warn everybody?

LOTOR: We cannot let the intruders know we are aware of them. Their cloaking devices are out of date, and we know approximately where their lions are.

ZETHRID: Then let’s take them! What’s stopping us?!

LOTOR: Now is not the time. 

ZETHRID: Now’s the perfect time! They’re on our ship, their lions are defenseless, let’s **crush** them and take Voltron!

LOTOR: You’re forgetting there are more of them. Coran, the Holt boy, and the Blamera native. They will know something is wrong, and will come to the paladins’ rescue.

EZOR: He’s right! Ya’ gotta count all your gousho eggs before you eat them!

ZETHRID: I hate gousho eggs.

EZOR: …K.

LOTOR: When we take Voltron, and we _will_ take Voltron, we need to destroy all of the paladin resistance with one clean slice. For now, we pick our battles.

NARTI: **…..**

LOTOR: Yes, Narti. We will only observe. And study.

ACXA: Are we looking for weaknesses?

LOTOR: Of course.

ZETHRID: I still say we fight them.

LOTOR: We’re going to.

ACXA: What?

EZOR: Really? Yay!

ZETHRID: Excellent!

LOTOR: After all, hands-on observation is the perfect way to study.

:

:

:

**[KEITH OPENED GALRA CHAT 378]**

KEITH: ALRIGHT, HANDS IN THE AIR—Shiro? Allura???

SHIRO: Keith! You’re back!

KEITH: Uh, yeah, Blue dropped me off here, but I thought she was…

ALLURA: WHERE WERE YOU?!

KEITH: _AH!_

ALLURA: Keith, we can’t lose track of another paladin today!

KEITH: I was fine! I was with Blue! She was going to help me find Lance!

SHIRO: Then why did she drop you off here?

KEITH: I don’t know! Maybe she just wanted to—

**[PIDGE OPENED GALRA CHAT 378]**

PIDGE: weeeeeeee got a problem

PIDGE: oh, hi keith

PIDGE: glad you could join this shitshow again

KEITH: Look, Blue wanted me to go with her—

PIDGE: on an spiritual adventure wherein you both explained the depths of your care for lance

PIDGE: i get it

KEITH: Um.

PIDGE: i watch a lot of cartoons

**[HUNK OPENED GALRA CHAT 378]**

HUNK: Pidge, next time, tell me you’re going to run off before you run off

PIDGE: oh, sorry dude

PIDGE: i was worried

SHIRO: About what?!

ALLURA: Did you find Lance?!

HUNK: No

PIDGE: his cell was empty, and the guards were all incapacitated when we got there

KEITH: Maybe he escaped!

HUNK: Or maybe someone worse came along and kidnapped him

ALLURA: The same person who hacked the security.

SHIRO: This day just keeps getting better and better.

HUNK: We need to get back in our lions, and try to track Lance’s suit or something

KEITH: No, he’s somewhere on this ship.

HUNK: How do you know?

KEITH: I don’t, Blue does.

SHIRO: Speaking of Blue, where is she?

ALLURA: And the red lion?

KEITH: Oh. Uh,

KEITH: Blue is waiting in a cloaking cape, out of general range, and Red…

KEITH: Um.

HUNK: Oh god

SHIRO: Where’s Red?

PIDGE: is she—

KEITH: She sort of flew off? I don’t know where she is.

PIDGE: oh my god

SHIRO: No!

HUNK: Great

ALLURA: KEITH!

KEITH: What?!

ALLURA: How did you lose an **_entire lion?_**

KEITH: It wasn’t my fault! She just left!

HUNK: WHY CAN’T ANYTHING EVER GO RIGHT FOR US

**[SYSTEM ACTION: ALL LIGHTS POWERED DOWN]**

SHIRO: I am…not surprised.

PIDGE: ten bucks says this is a trap

KEITH: You’re broke.

HUNK: And more importantly, you’re willing to bet ten bucks on our lives?!

PIDGE: to answer both of your questions: money is meaningless and so is life

ALLURA: Can we stop discussing nihilism and start figuring out what to do here?

SHIRO: That’s not the first time you’ve had to say that.

ALLURA: You’re not helping.

SHIRO: Noted.

PIDGE: who says i was discussing nihilism?

PIDGE: unrelated note: guys, we should discuss nihilism

KEITH: I’m down.

HUNK: …

HUNK: You know what, at this point, so am I

PIDGE: yaaaaaay

**[LOTOR OPENED GALRA CHAT 378]**

PIDGE: nooooooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ◞･౪･)
> 
> the alien general ladies are here and ready to Fuck Some Shit Up. 
> 
> like my heart.
> 
> cuz i'm gay.
> 
> whatchu guys think? leave a comment and i'll reply and scream about voltron with you! :)


	14. Cue Mission Impossible Music Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello this chapter is here.

**[SYSTEM LIGHTS POWER ON]**

LOTOR: Greetings, paladins of Voltron.

HUNK: Hello fuckhead

SHIRO: Lotor, you evil bastard, we’re here for Lance.

LOTOR: Yes. I know.

PIDGE: wonderful this should be easy then

LOTOR: I hope so.

ALLURA: I know what you’re trying to do, Lotor. You won’t succeed.

LOTOR: Princess Allura! This is a surprise! I did not expect you to come with your paladins. I thought Coran was keeping a tight watch on you.

ALLURA: No one keeps watch over me.

LOTOR: Perhaps. Though your human seems awfully protective.

SHIRO: You’re confusing protectiveness with respect.

SHIRO: Dumbass.

PIDGE: drag him

LOTOR: I recognize respect in my subjects. I demand it of them.

SHIRO: Respect is earned. Allura has earned it. You’re just a bully.

LOTOR: Or a succesful leader. Perhaps you can learn a thing or two from me.

KEITH: Shut the fuck up.

ALLURA: Shiro is a great leader, but that is not what we’re here to discuss.

LOTOR: Discuss? Why would you want to discuss when you have come here with weapons?

HUNK: Give us Lance

LOTOR: Now why would I do that? 

HUNK: _Give us Lance_

LOTOR: Have you ever considered that he might not want to come back?

ALLURA: Don’t listen to him.

HUNK: Like he’d want to stay here with you

PIDGE: god this guy is so gross

LOTOR: Lance is young, a child. Much like most of you. He is involved in a war in which he has no stake in.

SHIRO: You’re trying to take over the entire galaxy, of course he has a stake in it!

LOTOR: But did he get to choose?

ALLURA: Don’t listen to him! He’s trying to confuse you!

HUNK: Lance didn’t get to choose when you kidnapped him

LOTOR: I only wanted to talk. You wanted to involve him in a war.

KEITH: We want him to be safe. With us. Not with you.

LOTOR: And I’m sure his family thinks the same thing.

KEITH: DON’T BRING HIS FAMILY INTO THIS.

LOTOR: Don’t you worry? About the lives you left behind?

HUNK: They give me a reason to fight

PIDGE: and lance is part of my family

SHIRO: So give him back.

KEITH: _Now._

LOTOR: How coordinated. Did you practice that?

ALLURA: I’ve had enough talking. Turn on the fucking lights, Lotor.

LOTOR: Earth swears. How quaint. 

HUNK: There’s nothing quaint about earth, we’re gonnna kick your ass

PIDGE: new england’s pretty quaint

HUNK: What?

PIDGE: new england

PIDGE: it’s a place on earth, it’s chill

SHIRO: Why are we like this.

ALLURA: Lotor! Face me!

LOTOR: Oh Allura, it’s sad to see you struggle. I’ve known you for eons, and you’ve always kept such a level head. 

ALLURA: I am always level-headed! I AM THE EXPERT AT BEING LEVEL-HEADED! 

KEITH: Uh—

ALLURA: SHUT IT, KEITH.

LOTOR: You’re forcing this team together. It’s not good for you, and you know I care about you.

ALLURA: The lions chose the paladins, I am not forcing anything.

LOTOR: Then why are you such a mess? Why all this fuss?

ALLURA: I have chosen my side.

LOTOR: And yet, I would much rather you be at mine.

**[LANCE] opened GALRA CHAT 378**

LANCE: ** _IF ANYONE’S GOING TO THROW ALLURA SHITTY ONE-LINERS, IT’S GOING TO BE ME._**

HUNK: Lance!

PIDGE: holy shit

KEITH: LaNCE?!

SHIRO: What the—

ALLURA: WHAT—

LANCE: buenos dias motherfuckers.

**WARNING**

**WARNING**

**WARNING**

PIDGE: ok why is it cool when _he_ says it

**WARNING**

**WARNING**

**WARNING**

**SYSTEM ACTION: ALL LIGHTS POWERED UP**

**SYSTEM OVERRIDE: COMMAND CENTER ROOF HATCHES OPENING**

ALLURA: Is that the red lion?!

KEITH: _Red???_

LOTOR: That’s….but how—

LANCE: FIRE!!!

**[LOTOR] disconnected**

LANCE: YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN!

HUNK: Lance! Are you in there?!

LANCE: you bet your beautiful butt i am!

HUNK: Are you alright?!

LANCE: oh i am more than alright buddy, i am _living the fucking dream today!_

KEITH: But you…Red…

SHIRO: Lance, how did you get in the red lion?

ALLURA: And how did you escape?

LANCE: well uh it’s kinda a long story—

HUNK: **I don’t care I want to hear exactly what happened to you so you better get out of that lion and come hug me so I can ensure you are intact**

SHIRO: Wow.

LANCE: alright, comin’ on down. soon as Red opens her mouth.

KEITH: Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.

LANCE: spit me out, Red.

KEITH: _Why._

HUNK: Lance! It’s you! You’re alright!

LANCE: yeah, i told you, i’m fine—WOAH THERE, ease up on the hug, big guy.

HUNK: No

LANCE: are you okay?

HUNK: No

LANCE: i’m sorry, dude. 

HUNK: I know

LANCE: but i made my way back to you.

HUNK: I know

LANCE: and you know i’ll always make my way back to you.

HUNK: …

HUNK: I know

LANCE: i love you, bruh.

HUNK: Same here, bruh

**[ZETHRID] opened**

ZETHRID: Well. Isn’t this touching.

PIDGE: what

**[EZOR] opened**

EZOR: Aww, they’re hugging! How cute!

PIDGE: _what_

 

**[ACXA] opened**

ACXA: Good to see you’re all in one place.

PIDGE: _is this really happening_

**[NARTI] opened**

NARTI: **…..**

ACXA: I agree, Narti. We should get to work.

PIDGE: _ooooooh my god this is really happening_

KEITH: Who are you?! What do you want?!

EZOR: We’re Prince Lotor’s generals, the top of his command!

ACXA: And we want to claim Voltron for the Galra Empire.

ZETHRID: We’re going to crush you.

PIDGE: I’M SO GAY

SHIRO: This was all a trap, wasn’t it? To get us alone with you?

ZETHRID: Enough talk. Let’s end this.

LANCE: lmao what do you mean by—OKAY THEY’RE ATTACKING

ALLURA: Stand your ground!

SHIRO: Paladins, take up battle positions!

HUNK: _Will today ever end?!_

:

:

:

MATT: What do you mean you don’t have any working ships?!

CORAN: I meant what I said! Why are you constantly questioning what I say?!

MATT: We need to get to the others! They’re in trouble! The blue lion’s gone!

CORAN: I’m aware of this! But the castle systems are still coming back online from the freeze, we won’t have any running ships until this time tomorrow!

MATT: _They could be dead by then!_

SHAY: Matt, the paladins are resourceful, they are the defenders of the universe.

MATT: They’re huge fucking nerds.

SHAY: This is also true.

CORAN: I’m going through all our available resources, maybe we could send out a distress signal to any passing ships?

MATT: And what if those passing ships turn us into the Galra?!

CORAN: I’M LOOKING FOR OPTIONS. YOU’RE JUST YELLING.

MATT: NO I’M NOT.

SHAY: Now you’re both yelling.

MATT: I KNOW!

SHAY: Alright. SHOULD I YELL TOO?

MATT: NO! 

MATT: I mean, no.

MATT: God dammit, we’re getting nowhere.

CORAN: Which is our precise problem! We need to get to them.

MATT: Without the lions, we can’t.

SHAY: Hunk did mention once about traveling to a planet outside of the lions.

CORAN: He…he what?

SHAY: During the planet incident? When you were all separated on different planets? After being sent through the wormhole?

CORAN: Oh, that. Yes, but they were thrown from the lions, it’s not as if they traveled—

MATT: Wait, she has a point.

SHAY: I do.

MATT: Yeah, she—

SHAY: Matt.

MATT: What?

SHAY: I was talking.

MATT: Oh.

MATT: Right.

MATT: Yeah.

SHAY: We could use Coran’s Altean life-force to power another wormhole. It wouldn’t be as powerful as Allura’s, who controls the castle, but Coran’s life-force has been locked on before. The wormhole just might be big enough to send us to some coordinates, without ships.

MATT: …

CORAN: Well then.

CORAN: That’s an idea.

CORAN: A very scary idea.

MATT: Yup.

MATT: We’re going to try this, aren’t we?

SHAY: Yes.

MATT: Okay. Let’s do this.

SHAY: Or die trying.

CORAN: Which we might very well do.

MATT: Thanks, Coran.

CORAN: Anytime.

:

:

:

LANCE: ok so any of you guys watch avatar the last airbender?

ALLURA: PRIORITIES.

LANCE: just hear me out.

ZETHRID: _DIE, EARTHLING SCUM!_

ALLURA: What does The Last Airbender have to do with our present situation?!

LANCE: a lot, actually.

ACXA: _Zethrid, close in ranks!_

LANCE: hunk showed you the series, right?

ALLURA: Yes???

HUNK: I did—KEITH LOOK OUT—and Allura liked it

KEITH: **Why is the pink one attacking me with backflips?!**

PIDGE: i love her

SHIRO: Pidge.

PIDGE: she’s beautiful

SHIRO: She’s trying to kill Keith.

PIDGE: she’s Beautiful

LANCE: ANYWAYS, you know how princess azula has that team of ladies who fuck shit up?

LANCE: this is that.

HUNK: Huh

SHIRO: Which is who?

ALLURA: Shiro, not you too!

SHIRO: I’m sorry, I just like the series— _take that!_ —the animation is really good.

LANCE: ok so that acxa chick, the one shouting orders, is a saner version of azula.

KEITH: I don’t like her.

HUNK: Uh, really? She doesn’t remind you of anybody?

KEITH: No.

KEITH: _PIDGE, STAB HER!_

AXCA: _ZETHRID, STAB HIM!_

HUNK: …K

LANCE: and that pink girl, ezor? she’s totally ty lee.

SHIRO: Oh, no question.

ALLURA: SHE’S CURRENTLY TRYING TO KILL ME.

EZOR: Only a little! 

LANCE: and mei’s that girl with the cat.

LANCE: wait.

LANCE: where she at?

HUNK: Idk I just saw her tho—HOLY SHIT

HUNK: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

HUNK: THIS BITCH CAN CLIMB WALLS

PIDGE: gay

HUNK: AND SHE HAS A TAIL???

PIDGE: g a y 

HUNK: WHY AM I HERE WHY AM I IN THIS SITUATION I’M IN SPACE AND THERE’S GIRLS WITH TAILS WHO CAN CLIMB WALLS AND GIANT ROBOT SENTIENT CATS HOLY SHIT

SHIRO: Hunk, breathe.

HUNK: I’M BREATHING AS FAST AS I CAN!!!

SHIRO: That’s not what I meant.

KEITH: Lance, I need to talk to you!

LANCE: again???

KEITH: No! Not about that!

KEITH: I mean, we need to talk about that, but we need to talk about something else!

LANCE: what?!

KEITH: What?!

LANCE: i said _what?!_

KEITH: _What?!_

ALLURA: Can you two stop shouting across the battlefield at each other?!?!?!?

KEITH: **WHAT?!**

LANCE: **what?!**

ALLURA: Voltron was a mistake.

AXCA: Yes.

ALLURA: Shut up.

KEITH: LANCE! LOOK OUT!

EZOR: Boop.

LANCE: AAAH! 

LANCE: …

LANCE: hi.

EZOR: Hi!

LANCE: now’s the part where you try to strangle me with your legs, right?

EZOR: Yup!

LANCE: that sounds about—HOLY SHIT YOU WEREN’T KIDDING

KEITH: Lance!

LANCE: SHE’S QUICK! AND NIMBLE!

KEITH: I’m coming your way!

LANCE: SHE’S GONNA POP MY HEAD OFF!

PIDGE: lucky

LANCE: GODDAMMIT PIDGE, YOU USELESS LESBIAN!

SHIRO: Yeah, uh, Pidge, you might want to think about fighting the enemy instead of throwing yourself at them.

PIDGE: idk what you’re talking about

ZETHRID: _You will die by my hands!_

PIDGE: sounds hot where can i sign up

LANCE: KEITH YOU MIGHT WANNA HURRY

KEITH: I’M HERE!

KEITH: **TAKE THAT, TY LEE!**

EZOR: AHHH!

LANCE: oh my god, thanks—LOOK OUT

KEITH: Shit!

KEITH: What was that?!

LANCE: lizard girl threw a knife at you from the ceiling.

LANCE: or a talon.

LANCE: dear god.

KEITH: Alright, it’s fine, we can do this.

LANCE: yeah.

LANCE: what did you wanna talk to me about?

KEITH: How did you escape?

HUNK: I too, am interested in that answer

LANCE: ok, uh, shiro? can you and pidge keep the alien girls distracted while i explain?

SHIRO: Sure, though I think Pidge is too distracted by said alien girls.

SHIRO: She’s currently flirting with Narti.

PIDGE: you come here often?

NARTI: **…..**

PIDGE: silent and mysterious, i like it ;)

HUNK: Pidge is the new fuckboy

LANCE: should i start talking about my escape or…?

HUNK: Yes please

LANCE: ok so,

LANCE: it was pretty straight forward.

LANCE: lotor teleported me up out of Blue, and i passed out.

LANCE: they locked me in a prison cell. 

ALLURA: He teleported you?

LANCE: yeah, idk how.

ALLURA: That is…disconcerting.

LANCE: yup. 

HUNK: Then what happened?

LANCE: i woke up in the cell, and lotor came up to me. he started doing the usual villain monologue crap, making me doubt myself and my team, blah blah blah.

LANCE: tbh i was kinda disappointed. he was going for the whole “join me” vibe, which leads me to think that if one paladin leaves voltron, the whole team falls apart.

LANCE: then he started going on about how the lion’s personalities can manipulate their pilots, making up relationships and…certain attachments.

KEITH: …

HUNK: Yikes

PIDGE: My Lion Made Me Gay

LANCE: lol

KEITH: Did you believe him?

LANCE: no. 

LANCE: i mean,

LANCE: some of it was pretty creepy, but so far the lions have been nothing but good to us, so i just pretended to be scared and shit.

LANCE: then he left and i was like “wow! the security system you guys have is dumb!”

LANCE: cuz it was made to handle multiple prisoners, not one individual.

LANCE: i was able to hack through the loophole and take out the guards.

PIDGE: my son, i have taught you well

LANCE: i’m three years older than you.

PIDGE: my **son**

LANCE: k.

SHIRO: Then what?

LANCE: then Red just sort of showed up, and i was like, rad. 

HUNK: So you just escaped?! From a Galra prison???!???!

LANCE: what like it’s hard?

HUNK: DON’T YOU QUOTE LEGALLY BLONDE AT ME

KEITH: Hey, uh, anyone seen the pink girl lately?

AXCA: Do you mean Ezor?

KEITH: Yeah.

KEITH: Wait.

AXCA: Hello.

KEITH: Shit.

LANCE: AAAHHHH!!!

LANCE: SHIRO YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DISTRACTING THEM!!!

SHIRO: I’M SORRY! I’M JUST A DUDE WITH A ROBOT ARM!

PIDGE: aren’t we all

SHIRO: **P I D G E**

LANCE: There’s the pink girl! KEITH! ON YOUR LEFT!

KEITH: AAH!

KEITH: Dammit, they’re fighting together!

LANCE: I got your back, stay close to me!

EZOR: Aww, look! The blue and red paladin fight better as a couple!

PIDGE: gay

EZOR: Though it’ll take eons to match us, right babe?

AXCA: Yes.

PIDGE:

ALLURA: I think Pidge pulled a muscle.

HUNK: I _felt_ that

SHIRO: Team! We need to call the lions back!

LANCE: yeah, uh, we can’t.

LANCE: i’ve been trying to call Blue for the past five minutes, but she’s out of range.

HUNK: WHAT

KEITH: This is…not good.

HUNK: YOU THINK?!

LANCE: ok, the lizard girl just hissed at me, i want out of here.

ALLURA: Everyone stay calm, we can handle this.

AXCA: No you can’t.

ALLURA: **Shut up.**

ZETHRID: It is no use, paladins. We are stronger than you will ever be. Submit to us.

PIDGE: ok

HUNK: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PIDGE

LANCE: _now_ can we start kink shaming?

SHIRO: No.

PIDGE: i mean, if we’re gonna start kink shaming

SHIRO: We’re not.

PIDGE: we should probably start with how keith and lance piloted each other’s lions

LANCE: wait, what?

HUNK: How is that kink shaming

PIDGE: anything’s kink shaming if you try hard enough (ʃƪ¬‿¬)

ALLURA: If we ever get out of this, I’m taking a long bath and not talking to any of you for a month.

LANCE: mood.

SHIRO: Everyone, group up! Fight back-to-back!

HUNK: With Pidge in the middle cause she’s a bit of a disaster right now

PIDGE: _they’re aliens and they’re girls and they’re fighting as a team and two of them are daTING_

KEITH: Her pupils are pretty huge right now. Should we be concerned about that?

LANCE: CIRCLE UP GUYS AND GALS, LET’S FIGHT THEM BACK!

HUNK: That’s kinda hard to do when they’re closing in!

SHIRO: It’s fine! We can handle this! We’re doing this together!

ALLURA: Don’t let Narti touch you! She can take over minds!

HUNK: She can **what**

SHIRO: Alright, we might be fucked.

KEITH: Bit of an understatement.

PIDGE: yup

ZETHRID: Any last words, Paladins?

LANCE: you guys suck.

ACXA: Short, but effective.

EZOR: I like it.

ACXA: You like most things.

EZOR: I like you. <3

PIDGE: hhhhhnnnnggg

KEITH: Ok I’m like actively concerned for Pidge’s health now.

HUNK: Why do you have to kill us? Why not talk this out?

ZETHRID: Diplomacy is for weaklings.

ALLURA: If you truly think that, it’s you who is weak.

ZETHRID: You’ll regret those words, Princess.

ALLURA: I regret nothing.

**[MATT] opened chat**

MATT: REALLY?! CUZ I HAVE A FEW I’D LIKE TO DISCUSS.

PIDGE: matt???

**[CORAN] opened chat**

CORAN: Never fear, paladins! We are here!

LANCE: coran!

CORAN: Lance! I am glad to see you are alright! Do you have all your limbs?

LANCE: yeah!

CORAN: Excellent!

AXCA: _What’s happening?!_

**[SHAY] opened chat**

SHAY: Get away from them!

HUNK: Shay!

SHAY: Hunk! You’re alive!

HUNK: Yeah!

SHAY: That is amazing!

HUNK: I know!

ALLURA: How did you get here without the lions?!

MATT: We put on some helmets and jetpacks and jumped through a worm hole.

LANCE: seems legit.

MATT: It was Shay’s idea.

HUNK: WOOOOOO! EVERYONE, MY GIRL’S A GENIUS! LOOK AT HER GO! 

SHAY: ⪿ ◠⌄⃝◠ ⫀

AXCA: **@Lotor** The paladins have reinforcements!

PIDGE: guys i think she’s signaling lotor

SHIRO: We need to get out of here, fast!

ALLURA: I have a plan! Everyone, get to the upper deck!

KEITH: And then what?

ALLURA: Just go! 

SHIRO: What about you?!

ALLURA: Shay, I need a lift!

SHAY: Okay.

CORAN: Allura, wait!

SHIRO: Allura!

ALLURA: Run! I’ll meet you later!

CORAN: ALLURA!

MATT: Coran, don’t go after her! Your jetpack’s running low!

CORAN: But Shay just carried her off!

KEITH: We don’t have time! Lotor’s probably sending reinforcements, let’s do what she said and get to the top deck!

HUNK: SOUNDS GOOD I LOVE RUNNING FOR MY LIFE

ZETHRID: _GET BACK HERE!_

LANCE: somebody grab pidge!

PIDGE: **you can’t make me leave**

MATT: What?! What’s wrong?!

KEITH: She’s too gay to function.

LANCE: lol Mean Girls reference.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: …

LANCE: jesus fuck we are having a pop culture marathon when we get home.

MATT: Katie, we gotta go!

PIDGE: no

HUNK: Pidge, there will be other alien girls

PIDGE: how do you know

HUNK: Just trust me! I’m trustworthy!

PIDGE: alright fine let’s skedaddle

PIDGE: bye narti i love you

NART: **…..**

SHIRO: Dear god she’s terrifying.

CORAN: EVERYBODY MOVE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o͡͡͡╮༼ ಠДಠ ༽╭o͡͡͡━☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ
> 
> this chapter's pretty gay, my dudes.
> 
> also super long.
> 
> hope ya liked it.


	15. Cue Mission Impossible Music Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow my dudes hiya

HUNK: @Life can you do me a solid and not kill us for one (1) day

PIDGE: ikr

LANCE: pidge, we all know you’re enjoying this.

PIDGE: i was until i had to say **bye** to my four **wives**

MATT: You mean your waifus?

PIDGE: LET THE RECORD SHOW I DID NOT SAY THAT, I DID NOT CALL THEM WAIFUS

MATT: Maybe not out loud, but I know your mind. ;)

PIDGE: if it weren’t for the laws of this land i would have slain you long ago

KEITH: Uh, you mean the laws of space? Cuz I’m pretty sure it’s free reign.

PIDGE: tru

LANCE: anything’s legal in space.

SHIRO: _No._

SHIRO: That’s not true.

SHIRO: Let’s not go down this path.

PIDGE: too late, i’m gonna send anime pics to galactic government servers

LANCE: _now_ can we start kinkshaming?

SHIRO: No.

HUNK: Does anyone know where we’re going? Because I don’t and I’m the sanest one here

CORAN: The sanest? What makes you believe so?

HUNK: Well, Shiro’s barely hanging onto his mental capabilities at this point

SHIRO: I feel like a mix between a YMCA counselor and a Star Trek commander.

LANCE: accurate.

HUNK: Keith’s a big gay ball of rage

KEITH: Aren’t we all?

LANCE: also accurate

HUNK: Coran’s alright, but none of us can understand what he’s saying half the time

CORAN: By the hair’s of my stache, I believe, but am afraid, for that to be true.

KEITH: Dude _what._

HUNK: We all know Lance’s internal monologue is just constant screaming

LANCE: to the rhythm of What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes.

MATT: Ok, that song is banging tho.

SHIRO: What about Pidge?

PIDGE: what about love?

LANCE: _don’t you want someone to care about youuuuuuu_

KEITH: Nice.

HUNK: Pidge…well…

PIDGE: given the most profitable and gayest opportunity, i would sell all of you

SHIRO: Sounds about right.

CORAN: And Matt?

HUNK: Matt’s been missing his glasses since we found him and he still hasn’t brought it up

LANCE: …wait

KEITH: What.

PIDGE: goddammit

SHIRO: Matt, is this true?

MATT: Pretty much.

SHIRO: Uh, how are you holding up?

MATT: Lol I can’t fuckin’ see my dudes.

LANCE: ok idk how but that is a Mood.

CORAN: If you can’t see how were you able to…

MATT: I don’t know. 

MATT: Honestly, I’m still not 100% sure I’m with the right group lmao.

KEITH: Wow.

KEITH: And you’ve been just…okay with this?

MATT: You betcha.

KEITH: Right.

HUNK: So I think it’s safe to say I’m the sanest

HUNK: When Allura isn’t around

PIDGE: well allura just floated off into space with your girlfriend so might wanna rethink that one

KEITH: Speaking of which, how are we supposed to get to the top deck?

LANCE: we gotta bop.

HUNK: Lance

LANCE: to get to the top.

HUNK: Dude

LANCE: bop to the top.

HUNK: You made me listen to the soundtrack fifty-two times _enough_

KEITH: High School Musical, right?

LANCE: !!!!

LANCE: he knows!!!

PIDGE: ok how do you know x-files and high school musical but not mean girls?

KEITH: I have very specific interests.

KEITH: Most of which involve Zac Effron’s vocal range.

HUNK: Dude same

MATT: You guys know Zac Effron didn’t sing during most of the first movie, right?

KEITH: …

KEITH: **What.**

LANCE: no matt don’t tell him.

MATT: Yeah. He couldn’t hit the high notes.

HUNK: Ok this is news to me too wtf

PIDGE: effron couldn’t hit it lmao

LANCE: that man can hit it anytime ;)

PIDGE: stop

KEITH: I don’t…understand. He can’t sing?

HUNK: My childhood is bullshit and nothing exists

MATT: Wow you guys are taking this pretty seriously.

CORAN: You know what I wish we would take seriously?! GOING TO THE TOP DECK TO MEET ALLURA!!!

LANCE: i mean, let’s be honest, it’s not like Effron was hired for his voice.

KEITH: How am I supposed to watch the movie now?!

MATT: Sorry dude.

CORAN: Shiro, do you have something to say to all this?!

SHIRO: Yeah.

SHIRO: It sort of makes sense. During a lot of the songs, he’s overacting waaaay too much for some of the soft notes he’s supposed to be hitting.

PIDGE: tru

CORAN: SHIRO.

SHIRO: What? If you can’t beat ‘em, talk with ‘em about Disney Channel Original Movies.

MATT: Oh god yes.

HUNK: _The Cheetah Girls own my ass_

LANCE: CHEETAH SISTAAAAASSS

PIDGE: i’m always a slut for halloweentown

MATT: Um how dare you leave out Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior???

SHIRO: I saw that Twitches movie once. It was neat.

CORAN: I’m losing my mind.

LANCE: hey keith what was your fav?

KEITH: Just basically High School Musical.

LANCE: nah there had to have been something else you liked.

KEITH: …Uh

KEITH: Camp Rock. Was cool.

LANCE: oh.

LANCE: _oh._

PIDGE: omg that explains so much

HUNK: He’s literally Joe Jonas

HUNK: HOLY SHIT HE’S JOE JONAS

HUNK: LANCE

LANCE: god dammit.

HUNK: LANCE YOU HAD A CRUSH ON JOE JONAS

HUNK: WHEN YOU WERE TWELVE

HUNK: YOU HAD A MOTHERFUCKIN’ CRUSH ON JOE JONAS WHEN YOU WERE TWELVE YOU MADE YOUR MOM BUY YOU A POSTER FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY

MATT: Nice.

LANCE: hey @death i could use a little help here.

KEITH: Should I be flattered or…?

LANCE: uh

LANCE: yeah.

LANCE: be flattered.

LANCE: cuz apparently i have a type.

LANCE: wow is it getting hot in here or is it just my horrible awful embarrassment.

KEITH: Lance, you’re my type too.

LANCE: OKAY.

PIDGE: keith’s type is troy bolton

LANCE: SHUT UP PIDGE.

PIDGE: lance ur troy bolton

LANCE: WOW PIDGE SHUT UP.

HUNK: Cool that means I’m Chad

MATT: I’m Ryan and Shiro is Sharpay.

SHIRO: Sweet.

PIDGE: i’m that lesbian who played the piano

KEITH: I don’t think she was a—

PIDGE: **YES SHE WAS.**

KEITH: Ok.

CORAN: You know what I’ll be?

CORAN: Dead.

CORAN: I’ll be dead, because we won’t make it to the top of the tower, thanks to all of you talking nonsense.

HUNK: Wait, does that mean Keith is Vanessa Hudgens?

MATT: Excuse you, her name is Gabriella.

PIDGE: check yo’ facts, hunk

CORAN: Dear stars above.

SHIRO: Alright. Let’s stop bugging Coran and get to the top deck.

LANCE: ok, sounds good.

LANCE: practical.

LANCE: teamwork.

HUNK: Where is this going

LANCE: all of us working together.

HUNK: Oh ok

LANCE: **We’re All In This Together.**

HUNK: There it is

CORAN: I need a drink.

:

:

:

MATT: I just shot at something blurry and loud. I hope that was a Galra soldier and not Lance.

LANCE: i would take offense if “blurry and loud” wasn’t what i put on my dating profiles.

PIDGE: wait i should totally make a dating app for space

LANCE: yoooooooo

PIDGE: yoooooooo

SHIRO: Please don’t do that.

KEITH: Please do that and trademark it.

MATT: Okay tbh everything is fuzzy for me, someone wanna explain what’s happening?

HUNK: Pidge and Lance are gonna make an alien dating app.

MATT: I’m blind not deaf.

HUNK: Yeah but the app sounds cool and we should talk about it

CORAN: Matt, we’re on the top deck, you’ve taken out the only visible soldier, and Allura and Shay are nowhere in sight.

MATT: Awesome.

HUNK: What’s taking her so long?

KEITH: And why aren’t the generals after us? Or Lotor?

PIDGE: i think they lost track of us, lance destroyed a lot of security

LANCE: yeah but they probably heard where we’re headed.

KEITH: This is a trap.

SHIRO: We need to stay positive.

KEITH: I’m positive this is a trap.

CORAN: How can this be a trap?! Allura told us to come here!

KEITH: I know, but something doesn’t feel right. We got here too easily.

HUNK: Speak for yourself, I’ve had a leg cramp for the past twenty minutes

PIDGE: i’m with keith, something’s up

LANCE: no shit. we’re on a galra ship. 

MATT: Ha.

LANCE: i want to get off this thing and take a two year nap.

CORAN: We can’t do that without Allura and Shay!

HUNK: Dear god I hope they’re ok

SHIRO: We might have to worry about them later, we’ve got company!

MATT: Well shit.

LANCE: where did those soldiers come from???

HUNK: I HATE MY LIFE

SHIRO: I’m going in!

KEITH: I’ll cover you!

LANCE: with _what?_ you’ve got a sword!

KEITH: I’m 90% sure I can turn it into a gun!

LANCE: keith!

KEITH: Okay, 80%.

HUNK: WAIT GUYS LOOK UP!

PIDGE: what

HUNK: LOOK UP!

PIDGE: what do you— _what the fuck_

LANCE: oh my god.

SHIRO: Is that…?

MATT: Is it a giant black blurry thing? Because that’s what I’m seeing.

CORAN: It’s the Black Lion! 

HUNK: And Yellow! And the rest!

KEITH: What?!

PIDGE: the lions came back for us!

**[ALLURA] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY FUCKED]**

ALLURA: No Pidge, _I_ came back for you.

LANCE: YES

LANCE: YES YES YES

HUNK: WOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YEAH

SHIRO: Allura?! Is that you? Are you—

ALLURA: Piloting the Black Lion? Why yes, I am.

PIDGE: YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH BOOOOOOIIIIIIII

KEITH: Holy shit! HOLY SHIT!

CORAN: Allura?!

HUNK: Shay, are you there?!

**[SHAY] opened [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY FUCKED]**

SHAY: Yes! I’m here! I’m piloting the Yellow Lion! Somehow! I don’t know how! I’m very scared!

HUNK: You’re doing amazing, sweetie!

ALLURA: The lions are coming down, get inside them!

LANCE: YES MA’AM

MATT: Okay the soldiers are still firing at us _and this is terrifying everyone needs to stop screaming._

PIDGE: take my hand! we’ll get in Green!

SHIRO: Coran, come with me! We’ll get in Black!

CORAN: Fine!

KEITH: Hunk! Lance! Hurry up!

LANCE: we’re having a bit of a problem here!

HUNK: STOP SHOOTING AT US

LANCE: i can’t get us to Blue!

HUNK: LIKE SERIOUSLY STOP

LANCE: there’s a ton of gunfire!

MATT: Just run!

LARRY: do i look like fucking barry allen to you?!

HUNK: GODDAMMIT THERE’S SO MUCH SHOOTING

KEITH: For fuck’s sake, y’all need to pull it together!

LANCE: …

HUNK: …

MATT: Oh god.

PIDGE: oh yes

KEITH: What?!

LANCE: did you just say…”y’all”?

KEITH: WHAT?!

LANCE: did you just—

KEITH: **Who fucking cares?!** We need to get in the lions _now!_

LANCE: no, this needs to be addressed

HUNK: Yeah

KEITH: We’re in the middle of being rescued off a goddam Galra army ship!

LANCE: and you just said the word “y’all” unironically.

HUNK: Yeah, that was about as unironic as you can get

ALLURA: I don’t understand what’s happening right now.

SHIRO: Something stupid.

ALLURA: Then why are we…?

SHIRO: I’ve reached a point where everything just sort of happens and I stand there and watch.

CORAN: We’re never getting off this ship, are we.

LANCE: idk, but **y’all** stressing me out.

KEITH: Seriously???

HUNK: Yeah, **y’all’aint** being too friendly right now

LANCE: oh that’s even worse.

HUNK: Ikr

KEITH: GODDAMMIT.

KEITH: I’m getting in Blue, you two get in Red, she’s closer, you can make it.

PIDGE: wow you two can’t keep out of each other’s lions, can ya

KEITH: It’s not like we can help it!

PIDGE: suuuuure

MATT: Yeah, the reasoning always seems superficial.

SHIRO: Gotta agree with that.

KEITH: Can this stop??? For once???

LANCE: yeah y’all need to leave keith alone.

KEITH: LANCE.

HUNK: Lol

LANCE: i’m just trying to communicate using words you understand.

LANCE: Cowboy Boots.

LANCE: Tumbleweed.

LANCE: A Horse.

SHAY: What’s a horse?

HUNK: God’s mistake

SHAY: Okay.

SHIRO: Anyone else remember how we’re supposed to be escaping right now?

MATT: Oh that’s still happening?

SHIRO: Probably?

ALLURA: Yes.

MATT: Cool.

KEITH: Lance, Hunk, see how I just got in Blue? You should do that. But with Red.

LANCE: ok my little cowboy.

LANCE: my cowbae.

LANCE: my little cow-boo.

HUNK: Can we stop with the flirting and start with the trying-not-to-get-shot?

LANCE: i don’t think keith minds.

KEITH: I’M FLATTERED BUT YOU’RE STRESSING ME OUT.

PIDGE: yeah he’s blushing and sweating it’s weird

MATT: And gay.

SHIRO: Well, that’s a given.

CORAN: I can’t listen to this anymore.

**[CORAN] went idle**

HUNK: Ok, Lance, how are we gonna get in Red?

LANCE: idk man.

LANCE: …

LANCE: hold up.

LANCE: i have an idea.

HUNK: What are you thinking—wait I know that face

HUNK: No

HUNK: I don’t like this idea

LANCE: it’s worked before!!!

HUNK: It has literally never worked

SHAY: What idea?

HUNK: I can’t explain

LANCE: what have we got to lose?

HUNK: Our lives, Lance

HUNK: Literally our lives

ALLURA: Um, what is this plan? It sounds dangerous.

LANCE: oh. it is.

KEITH: Why is he smiling?

KEITH: What is he about to do?

SHIRO: Everyone, get ready.

KEITH: Do you know?!

SHIRO: No, but I know it’s happening, no matter what.

HUNK: Wow thanks for the help Shiro—LANCE NO STOP

LANCE: HEY GALRA SOLDIERS! ALL EYES ON ME!

HUNK: Goddammit you beautiful fool

LANCE: Red! catch this in your mouth!

SHAY: Where did he get that rope?

MATT: Does it matter? _Does it matter?_

LANCE: PIDGE! SPOTLIGHT ON ME!

PIDGE: ok sure

KEITH: Pidge why would you—

PIDGE: oh like i’m not going to give him a fucking spotlight

PIDGE: who do you think i am

ALLURA: Wait, what is…

LANCE: GALRA SOLDIERS! BET YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING!

SHIRO: Oh.

SHIRO: My god.

MATT: I can’t see what the fuck is happening somebody tell me.

PIDGE: he’s

PIDGE: doing a gymnastics routine

PIDGE: with the rope

PIDGE: and it’s like

PIDGE: really good

MATT: What?

PIDGE: no seriously

PIDGE: it’s good

MATT: And they’re not shooting at him?!

ALLURA: No. The soldiers are just…watching.

SHIRO: We’re all doing that.

SHIRO: It’s that good.

MATT: I’m literally Velma right now, someone needs to get me some mother fucking glasses.

SHIRO: Dude. It’s amazing.

SHAY: He’s doing twists? In mid-air?

ALLURA: How????

PIDGE: hey keith what do you think of this

KEITH: …

KEITH: …

KEITH: Um.

KEITH: Wow.

SHIRO: Yup.

PIDGE: gay

SHIRO: Yup.

LANCE: THANK YOU, FOR YOUR ATTENTION. NOW, MAY I INTRODUCE MY FRIEND, THE PRETTIEST PONY IN THE STABLE, HUNK!

MATT: What?

HUNK: **Take that!**

PIDGE: HOLY SHIT

SHIRO: Oh my god!

ALLURA: Hunk!

KEITH: WOW.

SHAY: Way to go, Hunk! 

MATT: _What’s happening?!_

SHAY: Hunk just threw a solider into a bunch of other soldiers and knocked them all out! I’m so proud of him!

KEITH: That was awesome!

HUNK: I KNOW AND I HOPE SOMEONE WAS FILMING THAT BUT RIGHT NOW I GOTTA **RUN**

LANCE: Red pull me up Red pull me up Red pull me up _Red pull me up_

ALLURA: Reinforcements are coming!

HUNK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

LANCE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

LANCE: I’M INSIDE OK NOW WHAT

HUNK: SWALLOW ME!

LANCE: WHAT?!

HUNK: GET RED TO SWALLOW ME!!!

MATT: Katie what you’re about to say right now I need you to fucking not.

PIDGE: **_dammit_**

SHIRO: Sometimes, I’m glad I don’t know what they’re talking about.

ALLURA: Same here.

KEITH: I wish I didn’t know.

PIDGE: ??? how do you know???

KEITH: I spend a lot of time on cryptid forums, remember?

KEITH: It’s a dark place.

**[MATT] changed group name from [VOLTRON IS INHERENTLY FUCKED] to [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

PIDGE: the evil is defeated

KEITH: More like it’s being held at bay.

HUNK: WHILE Y’ALL ARE BUSY DISCUSSING YOUR MEME PORN BULLSHIT, LANCE AND I ARE IN RED AND READY TO GO

PIDGE: y’all

HUNK: **_PIDGE I WILL THROW YOU INTO SPACE_**

PIDGE: k

ALLURA: Paladins, follow my lead! I can secure a faint wormhole connection to the castle, but it will only last a few seconds! Shay helped me set it up!

SHAY: Everyone, stay close to each other!

SHIRO: Voltron, let’s go!

HUNK: First one there gets rope dancing lessons from lance!

MATT: PIDGE WE GOTTA GO FAST.

KEITH: What is with you and Sonic?

**[CORAN] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

CORAN: WE’RE LEAVING. NOW.

:

:

:

ACXA: Prince Lotor, the paladins are escaping, and they’re taking the lions with them.

LOTOR: I know.

ZETHRID: What?! We must go after them!

LOTOR: No.

EZOR: Um, why?

LOTOR: We must be patient. We learned a lot today.

ACXA: I don’t believe I follow.

LOTOR: We have observed how Voltron works as a team, and their relationships within that team. They have many weaknesses.

ZETHRID: Yes. The small green one kept demanding that I step on her.

ACXA: I think that was…something different.

EZOR: Lol.

LOTOR: Now that we know how they fight, we know how to kill them.

NARTI: **…..**

LOTOR: Yes. We will let them go.

LOTOR: For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (/・・)ノ   
> a certain first kiss will occur in the next chapter. i can promise ya that.
> 
> ALSO ATTENTION:
> 
> as some of you may know, NaNoWriMo is a thing that's occurring next month. (National Novel Writing Month). during this month, i will be writing 500,000 words. i will be very busy and stressed but having fun. unfortunately, i will prob not be able to update this fic. 
> 
> i will, however, be making Twilight gay. for my NaNo project. because i'm gay and i'm going to fix Twilight by making it gay with lesbians. i'm basically changing the entire story. you can have updates on my progress on my tumblr, justangrymacaroni, under the twilight tag.
> 
> i might post it on my ao3 account when i'm done. (yes, i know i'll have to read the book for this, and yes, i want to scream.)
> 
> thank you guys for being awesome. i love y'all.


	16. Holly Jolly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, it's been forever, but finals kicked my ass and then the Holidays started.
> 
> i think y'all will like this one, tho. ;)

LANCE: WE’RE COMING IN HOT GUYS AND GALS.

HUNK: **YEEEEEEEEEEEET**

KEITH: _Why are we going so fast?!_

ALLURA: The wormhole connection was thin! The lions did not have time to center their speed!

SHIRO: Everyone, remain calm and steady! 

MATT: My teeth are rattling in my skull.

PIDGE: it be like that sometimes

CORAN: THERE’S THE CASTLE! WE’RE GOING TO RUN RIGHT INTO IT!

SHAY: What do we do?!

ALLURA: PULL UP!

SHIRO: She’s right, everyone pull up!!!

HUNK: **DEAR GOD WHY DOES EVERY DAY HAVE TO BE THIS STRESSFUL, I’VE GONE THROUGH SEVENTY DE-STRESSING FACE MASKS IN A WEEK**

LANCE: yeah, _my_ face masks.

ALLURA: I WILL BUY YOU BOTH A MILLION FACE MASKS IF YOU PULL UP RIGHT NOW.

HUNK: Good enough for me!

MATT: Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit **_holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit_**

KEITH: AAAAH

PIDGE: oh god

PIDGE: ok

PIDGE: we made it

PIDGE: did everyone else make it?

SHIRO: We should report in.

ALLURA: Everyone but Shiro and Coran, report in!

KEITH: This is the red paladin, reporting in from Blue.

SHAY: I’m Shay and I’m in the Yellow Lion!

PIDGE: yo whatup i’m the green paladin i’m in Green and i never fucking learned how to read

MATT: I’m Matt Holt and I’m ashamed to be Katie Holt’s brother.

HUNK: The yellow paladin is reporting in for both myself and the blue paladin from Red, because the blue paladin is passed out

HUNK: He’s okay tho

PIDGE: he’s had a long day

KEITH: Let’s slow down and land so we can get him into medical, just to make sure he’s alright

PIDGE: but before we do, i have a question

SHIRO: A question?

PIDGE: yes, for allura

HUNK: Um, is it about that Thing we were going to talk about Later?

PIDGE: it’s later now

PIDGE: princess, we listened to the end of the argument you were having with coran a few days ago. he was upset, and mentioned that you could die.

PIDGE: what the fuck was that about

KEITH: Are you keeping something from us?

CORAN: What?! No! That’s preposterous!

ALLURA: Yes.

PIDGE: okay i literally have the recording you can’t deny— _wait what_

ALLURA: Yes. Coran and I had a conversation, regarding something that I have yet to tell the rest of you. Before, it was because I believed it wasn’t necessary for you to know, but after today…

CORAN: Princess—

ALLURA: Back when we all got separated on different planets, when Shiro and I had the chance to speak alone, he asked me to become the pilot of the Black Lion should something happen to him.

SHIRO: Yes. I did.

ALLURA: I was hesitant at first, but I accepted his offer. The argument you heard between me and Coran, was regarding my relationship with Shiro. He was worried it was compromising my safety.

CORAN: A concern which, on occasion, I still have.

SHIRO: Yikes.

ALLURA: I told him about accepting the Black Lion emergency leadership, and he became upset, claiming I could die. However, his worries are unwarranted, and unnecessary. 

CORAN: They most certainly are not!

HUNK: Ooo it’s about to go down

PIDGE: wake up lance, he’ll want to hear this

KEITH: No, let him sleep.

PIDGE: spoilsport

CORAN: I have every right to worry on your behalf! The entire galaxy is counting on you, Princess! You are too important to be put into the line of fire!

ALLURA: You don’t think I know that?! _You don’t think the pressure of the galaxy weighs down upon my shoulders each day?!_

CORAN: I think it’s because of this pressure that you force yourself to such extremes!

ALLURA: I have no choice!

CORAN: **THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE.**

ALLURA: …

CORAN: I mean—

CORAN: Well.

CORAN: Allura, you are all I have left. We are…all that’s left. Of our entire…

CORAN: I can’t lose you too.

ALLURA: …

ALLURA: Coran, you will never lose me. I will always be with you.

CORAN: And I will always worry about you. I understand I am overreacting, I cannot hold you back from your destiny, but I should be allowed to worry.

ALLURA: Yes. You should be.

SHIRO: We all should be. We need to worry about each other.

SHIRO: We love each other, and we need to be there when others need help.

HUNK: Agreed

SHAY: Yes.

KEITH: Of course.

PIDGE: i’m down

MATT: Yup.

CORAN: I will care for all of you at once, and I will see that you all make it out of this alive. I promise you that.

HUNK: Sounds good to me

MATT: All I wanna know is why Shiro chose Allura for the back-up Black Lion pilot.

PIDGE: isn’t it obvious? she helped bring voltorn together, she knows how to lead us

SHIRO: Exactly.

PIDGE: besides, who else was he gonna choose?

PIDGE: _keith?_

KEITH: Oh fuck no.

PIDGE: exactly

KEITH: Like, don’t even joke about that.

KEITH: Holy shit.

KEITH: No.

KEITH: _No._

HUNK: Uh, Keith? You good?

KEITH: Yeah I just got…really anxious thinking about being the leader of Voltron holy fuck that’s such a bad idea.

SHIRO: Agreed. 

SHIRO: No offense, Keith.

KEITH: None Taken.

SHAY: Should we land now? I am eager to check on my family.

ALLURA: Yes, of course. The lions are back in control of their speed, let’s go back to the castle.

SHIRO: And sleep.

SHIRO: Please.

CORAN: Most definitely.

MATT: Oh cool I just got an alert on my apple watch.

KEITH: You just got a what on your what?

PIDGE: how do you still have that? you were a prisoner on a galra ship

MATT: I think they thought it was part of my body.

HUNK: Lol

KEITH: What does the alert say?

MATT: Um.

MATT: Actually, maybe you don’t want to hear it.

KEITH: Why not? It’s an alert from earth, right? We should know what’s going on.

MATT: Yeah but this might make people Feel Things.

SHIRO: I’m pretty much numb at this point.

HUNK: Same

PIDGE: yeah let’s hear what it says

MATT: I don’t know…

KEITH: Matt, come on, read it.

MATT: Um, okay then.

MATT: Apparently, it’s Christmas season back on earth.

PIDGE: what?

SHIRO: So, it’s December.

HUNK: …Oh

MATT: Yeah.

KEITH: …

CORAN: Christmas? December?

SHIRO: I’ll explain once we get back to the castle. Our first priority is making sure Lance is okay.

HUNK: I’m pretty sure he is, he’s talking in his sleep

LANCE: _joe jonas has nice skin_

HUNK: He sure does, buddy

:

:

:

:

:

:

:

KEITH: How’s he doing?

HUNK: Coran says he’s fine, just needed some rest

HUNK: I’m pretty sure he’ll be waking up soon

KEITH: And you’ve been sitting with him for…

HUNK: Around four hours now

KEITH: Right.

HUNK: I’m just scared that he’ll disappear again

HUNK: I want to make sure he’s truly back with us

KEITH: Yeah, I get it.

HUNK: Where are the others?

KEITH: Shay and her family are touring the castle. Pidge keeps telling them all the bathrooms belong to me.

HUNK: Lord of the Toilet

KEITH: Sure.

KEITH: Shay wants to know where you are.

HUNK: Really?

HUNK: Because I already told her I was gonna stay with Lance

KEITH: Oh.

HUNK: Did you just need an excuse to talk to Lance alone?

KEITH: No.

KEITH: I mean, yes.

KEITH: I’m sorry.

HUNK: No, I get it, I can’t be selfish

HUNK: He matters to other people too

HUNK: Besides, I’ve run out of data on my phone from filming him sleep-talk about how gay Luke Skywalker is

KEITH: He’s so gay tho.

HUNK: God you two belong together

KEITH: _What?!_

HUNK: Just do me a favor, and log out of the main voice-to-text chat before you talk to him

HUNK: Unless you want Pidge to scroll through your lovey-dovey conversations 

KEITH: Uh, okay.

KEITH: Hunk, I care about you too.

HUNK: I know, bud

HUNK: I love your emo ass

KEITH: Thank you?

HUNK: You’re welcome

**[HUNK] went idle**

**[KEITH] created subgroup [AN ARM AND A LEG]**

**[KEITH] invited [LANCE] to subgroup [AN ARM AND A LEG]**

LANCE: …wh…what.

LANCE: ugh.

LANCE: what the fuck.

KEITH: Hello.

LANCE: oh. hi.

KEITH: You were sleeping.

LANCE: uh yeah i figured that out.

LANCE: ….did you wake me up by inviting me to a group chat?

KEITH: Yes?

LANCE: okay then.

KEITH: Hunk just left. He stayed with you while you were asleep.

LANCE: really? he didn’t look too stressed, right?

KEITH: No more so than usual.

LANCE: which means he was really stressed. great.

KEITH: He’s alright. He knows you’re okay.

LANCE: i hope so.

KEITH: …But, uh, I still don’t know.

LANCE: what?

KEITH: I don’t know if you’re okay.

LANCE: lol what do you mean? i’m awake, aren’t i?

KEITH: What you said earlier, about Lotor talking to you on the ship? About him trying to convince you that our feelings are fake? You didn’t believe him, right?

LANCE: no. 

LANCE: i mean, part of me was creeped out, but i know he’s full of shit.

KEITH: Is there anything else that happened that you’re not telling us?

LANCE: nope, i told y’all everything. he chained me up, taunted me, then left, and i escaped and found Red.

KEITH: …Right.

LANCE: speaking of which, someone mentioned something about you piloting Blue?

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: OH.

KEITH: Yeah. That, uh, that happened.

LANCE: what exactly happened?

KEITH: Just, well

KEITH: She came to me when we went out to find you, and somehow I knew that she wanted me to pilot her, and she knew where you were.

LANCE: that’s my girl, she’s crazy smart.

KEITH: Yeah. Only, I think she kinda wanted to talk to me too?

KEITH: She…

LANCE: what?

KEITH: Blue showed me your photo albums.

LANCE: _what?!_

KEITH: I’m so sorry! I didn’t ask her to! I was freaking out about finding you so I think she showed me the albums to calm me down! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

LANCE: which albums did you see?

KEITH: …All of them?

LANCE: oh god.

KEITH: I’M SORRY! She just put them up on the screen and I looked at them!

LANCE: why did she do that???

KEITH: Uh, I think she was trying to calm me down, and tell me she cared about you.

LANCE: ok.

KEITH: Are you mad?

LANCE: not really, just embarrassed. 

KEITH: I don’t think I saw anything embarrassing.

LANCE: are you kidding me?

KEITH: No?

LANCE: you saw your folder, didn't you?

KEITH: Oh.

LANCE: yeah.

KEITH: I guess now would be a bad time to bring up how Blue played an audio recording.

LANCE: god **dammit.**

LANCE: what was it?

KEITH: Just you and Hunk talking about the pictures. And how my folder was the gay one.

LANCE: jeeeeesus christ.

KEITH: Are you sure you’re not mad?

LANCE: no! 

KEITH: Your face is red.

LANCE: _trust me that’s not from anger._

KEITH: Oh.

KEITH: …

LANCE: …

KEITH: Uh, if it makes you feel any better, I still want to keep the promise I made earlier.

LANCE: what?

KEITH: You know. That thing I said. 

LANCE: dude, **what?**

KEITH: That thing I said we should do if we made it back to the castle alive.

LANCE: ok a lot has happened today.

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: like a Lot.

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: like this morning we were dealing with a frozen castle??? that literally happened.

KEITH: _Lance._

LANCE: what—MMMPH.

LANCE: …

LANCE: you just kissed me.

KEITH: Yeah.

KEITH: Oh my god wait, was that okay?! Holy shit was that no okay?!

LANCE: keith—

KEITH: I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS OK BECAUSE EARLIER YOU SAID YOU WERE OKAY WITH IT BUT I SHOULD OF ASKED HOLY SHIT I’M SO SORRY— ** _MMMPH_**

KEITH: …

KEITH: You just kissed me.

LANCE: yeah.

KEITH: …

KEITH: Cool.

LANCE: cool.

LANCE: so. uh.

KEITH: Yeah.

**[PIDGE] opened [AN ARM AND A LEG]**

PIDGE: you two are fucking useless

KEITH: PIDGE WHAT THE FUCK

LANCE: PIDGE HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE

PIDGE: i’m a literal hacking god why do y’all keep forgetting that???

KEITH: EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP SAYING Y’ALL 

LANCE: PIDGE GET OUT OF HERE

PIDGE: only if you two promise to stop being stupid and just date already

KEITH: OKAY FINE YES.

KEITH: I mean.

KEITH: Uh, that’s what I want.

KEITH: Lance, I know before you sounded like this wasn’t…what you wanted, but—

LANCE: dude. i want to date you. i legit shouted this at you when we were in space. we’ve literally been through this.

PIDGE: like i said, Useless

LANCE: **shut up pidge.**

KEITH: What made you change your mind?

LANCE: honestly, getting kidnapped.

LANCE: like, i’m never going to have a normal life, and we’re going to be fighting like this for a long time probably.

LANCE: we gotta take the good things while we can.

LANCE: and i consider you to be a good thing.

KEITH: O-Oh. Okay. Yeah.

PIDGE: is he blushing

PIDGE: if he’s blushing you are morally obligated to take a pic

KEITH: Pidge shut up—LANCE DON’T YOU DARE

LANCE: i need a new photo for my album, keith.

KEITH: GET AWAY FROM ME!!!

LANCE: nope i gotta get a pic of you blushing because i said you’re pretty.

KEITH: You didn’t say that!

LANCE: well now i am. you’re pretty.

KEITH: STOP TAKING PICTURES, MCCLAIN.

LANCE: not gonna happen, kogane. <3

PIDGE: ooookay that’s my cue to leave. have fun love birds.

**[PIDGE] went idle**

:

:

:

 

:

:

:

**[HUNK] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

HUNK: So are we gonna do anything about it being Xmas season back on earth???

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

SHIRO: That depends. Do we want to do anything?

PIDGE: christmas is a capitalistic holiday

LANCE: is that why you attacked a mall santa that one time?

PIDGE: probably

HUNK: Jesus H. Christ

KEITH: I’m with Pidge. I’ve never seen the point of celebrating the holidays.

MATT: Then why’d you get so drunk during our Halloween party?

KEITH: …That was a Halloween party?

MATT: Uh, yeah? Why else do you think Lance was dressed like Carly Rae Jepson?

KEITH: Because he literally never shuts up about her.

LANCE: she’s’s an icon, keith. an ICON.

KEITH: Here we go.

LANCE: think of all she did for the gays.

PIDGE: she’ll never beat macklemore tho

LANCE: _you take that back._

PIDGE: he died for our sins, lance

SHIRO: Okay, in all seriousness, I wouldn’t mind throwing a bit of a celebration, if all of you would like it.

HUNK: Yoooo I’d be so down!

LANCE: LET’S FUCKING DO IT.

MATT: Yeah, could be fun.

PIDGE: you just want an excuse to drink rum eggnog

MATT: Bitch like I _need_ an excuse.

HUNK: Come on, Pidge! Keith! Get with the Christmas spirit!

KEITH: The only spirits I believe in are trapped in this plane of mortal existence, begging to go beyond the veil.

HUNK: …K

SHIRO: You guys don’t have to participate in any holiday traditions if you don’t want to. We can just make this a party.

LANCE: ok but i’m still gonna be cooking up some cuban dishes in the kitchen with hunk.

HUNK: Y’all best believe it

MATT: I thought we were done with the y’all thing. Are we still doing the y’all thing?

PIDGE: i’ll participate in the festivities, but if someone even mentions the word “elf” around me, i’m activating the castle’s self destruct function

ALLURA: Pidge.

CORAN: The castle doesn’t have a self destruct function.

PIDGE: not yet

ALLURA: _Pidge._

PIDGE: just give me a screwdriver and, like, ten minutes

LANCE: keith, what about you? how’re you feeling?

LANCE: do you wanna have a party?

KEITH: …

KEITH: Let’s have a party.

LANCE: YEEEEEEEET.

HUNK: YES

LANCE: can we start planning out the Cuban dishes we’re gonna cook?

HUNK: a.k.a. the Cuban dishes _I’m_ gonna cook

LANE: Yup bethcha!

MATT: Might I suggest pasta pomadoro?

HUNK: Dude, do you even know where Cuba is?

MATT: Yes.

PIDGE: no

MATT: _I do!_

PIDGE: he doesn’t know where russia is

CORAN: What’s Russia?

LANCE: big and cold.

CORAN: Oh, like Shiro?

HUNK: No, that’s big and hot

SHIRO: **Guys.**

PIDGE: lol

:

:

:

ALLURA: So, what sort of holidays do earthlings celebrate during the December month?

MATT: There’s, like, a _ton._ The most common is Christmas, or at least some version of it. Of course, different cultures celebrate it in different ways.

ALLURA: Do you and Pidge celebrate it?

MATT: Well, Katie and I grew up in a Roman Catholic household. Christmas was a pretty big time for us, though neither Katie or I are very religious now. I like the traditions, and even though she complains about capitalism, Katie likes this time of year.

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

PIDGE: no i don’t

MATT: Then why are you wearing a Santa hat?

PIDGE: because i fear the deity known to the world as Santa Clause and i want to overpower the terror i hold in my heart 

MATT: Really?

PIDGE: nah, i just think it looks neat

ALLURA: I like it.

PIDGE: _YAS_

MATT: Having fun decorating the common room?

PIDGE: yeah, i’m almost done

PIDGE: why aren’t you two helping out?

ALLURA: We tried to help Hunk and Lance in the kitchen, but they banned us.

MATT: Because Allura can burn water, and Lance tried to kill me after I called salt a spice.

PIDGE: you’re a horrible italian

MATT: Where’s everybody else?

PIDGE: keith is showing coran how to decorate an xmas tree, and that’s going about as well as you would expect it to.

ALLURA: Wonderful. More messes.

PIDGE: and coran’s helping shiro create a menorah

MATT: Oh yeah, I forgot Shiro likes to put that up.

ALLURA: Didn’t you say that a menorah is part of the Jewish holiday?

MATT: Yeah, for Hanukah. He’s not technically Jewish, but his foster parents were, so he likes it.

ALLURA: Foster parents?

PIDGE: i’ll take this opportunity to leave and decorate more

**[PIDGE] went idle**

MATT: Oh, uh, did Shiro tell you about this?

ALLURA: He’s mentioned it a few times. Would he be okay with me knowing?

MATT: Yeah, he’s fine with it. We’ve talked about it.

MATT: So, Shiro was a foster kid when he was growing up, and it was kinda hard for him because he was…

ALLURA: Trans?

MATT: Yeah. But then he ended up with this awesome couple. He joined the garrison before they could adopt him, but they still consider each other family. And they were Jewish, so he likes to put up a menorah to remember them when the holidays came around. 

ALLURA: …

ALLURA: He misses them, doesn’t he?

MATT: Of course. I mean, we all miss our families.

ALLURA: Oh, Matt, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—

MATT: It’s fine. 

MATT: The holidays can be a happy time, but also very depressing. For different reasons.

ALLURA: I think I understand. Seeing all of you celebrate this together, it reminds me of the traditions my family had when I was a child. 

MATT: Well, you could always share those traditions with us. If you want.

ALLURA: …Yes. I think that would be nice.

MATT: Awesome.

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

LANCE: FOOD IS READY.

**[HUNK] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

HUNK: We made so much shit

HUNK: Lechon asado, laulau, kalua, Japanese sponge cake, sponge saeng cream fruit cake, cannolis—

MATT: Woah.

HUNK: Ikr???

HUNK: ARE THE DECORATIONS READY YET???

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

**[CORAN] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

SHIRO: Coran and I are good!

HUNK: KEITH, BABE, HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS???

**[KEITH] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

**[SHAY] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

KEITH: Uh, I think the tree is…okay???

SHAY: It is not on fire.

SHAY: Anymore.

LANCE: nice!

HUNK: I’m almost afraid to ask, but PIDGE! ARE YOU READY???

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

PIDGE: why don’t you come see for yourself ;)

ALLURA: Ok, sounds good— _oh my dear stars._

LANCE: lol what did she do—WOW.

KEITH: I’m…I’m not even surprised.

MATT: Goddammit Katie.

SHRIO: Woah.

SHAY: That is surely something.

CORAN: I do not know what to think.

LANCE: same.

PIDGE: it’s cool, right? :)

HUNK: What did she do?

LANCE: you’re gonna have to come look, dude.

HUNK: If this is another—oh for fuck’s sake.

PIDGE: :D

HUNK: Why???? _WHY?????_

PIDGE: look, i do a lot of weird shit

PIDGE: perhaps now is not the time to get upset about it

HUNK:YOU SPENT TWO HOURS SPELLING OUT **“DEEZ NUTS”** IN XMAS LIGHTS

PIDGE: lmao yeah

HUNK: Where did you even get Christmas lights?!

PIDGE: idk i just found them

MATT: It’s a Christmas miracle.

HUNK: Stay out of this, Matt!

SHIRO: Ok, I’m gonna go eat all the food that Hunk made now

LANCE: i’m already full from eating it while it was cooking, but seriously go have some.

PIDGE: hunk, if it makes you feel any better, i made you a special xmas ornament

HUNK: …This is a miniature Rover.

PIDGE: yeah

HUNK: Ok, that’s kinda cute—oh my god it’s moving

PIDGE: yeah

HUNK: Thanks Pidge, you little pyscho

SHAY: Come on, Hunk! I am eager to taste the food you made!

HUNK: Cool!

ALLURA: Shiro! Is that your menorah?

SHIRO: Uh, yeah, it is. Coran helped me made it.

CORAN: It’s a beautiful earthling figurine.

ALLURA: It certainly is. Come, let’s go eat

KEITH: …

KEITH: Hey, Lance?

LANCE: hey! you know, if you look at the tree sideways, it doesn’t look half bad.

LANCE: what’s that you got there?

KEITH: I found some mistletoe

LANCE: that’s a stick.

KEITH: Oh.

LANCE: but hey, we’re in space. it’s the best mistletoe we’re gonna get.

LANCE: **_MWAH._**

KEITH: You’re such a dork, why the hell did I decide to date you again?

LANCE: because i’m a hot dork.

KEITH: Oh yeah.

LANCE: lol.

LANCE: …hey, uh, I know you don’t celebrate any of this stuff, are you sure you’re okay…?

KEITH: I’m fine. It’s a bit confusing, since I never really got the chance to…you know.

LANCE: right.

LANCE: uh, you know we’re your family, right?

KEITH: Yeah.

LANCE: except for me, cuz i’m your boyfriend, and that would be weird. 

KEITH: Lance.

LANCE: but yeah. we all care about you. and i get it, i miss my family, but i love you guys. and i’m happy i’m here.

KEITH: …

KEITH: Yeah.

LANCE: come on, let’s go join the others.

KEITH: Lead the way, dork.

LANCE: of course, mullet-head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ʕ·͡ˑ·ཻʔ
> 
> i just want to say that, of course, any personal headcannons i have for the holidays that the characters celebrate are just my opinions, i love any and all ideas. :)
> 
> i really love writing this silly little chat fic, and i will continue to say this, but you guys are honestly the best. it's the best little section of the fandom i've found, and i'm glad to be a part of it.
> 
> please tell me what you thought! and happy holidays!


	17. Matt vs. Kitchen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup

**[MATT] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

MATT: //@everyone

MATT: Remember that time we had a kitchen?

**[ALLURA] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

ALLURA: What do you mean _had?_

MATT: As in the past tense of “have.”

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

PIDGE: she knows what “had” means, ya dingus

MATT: Oh.

ALLURA: What is wrong with the kitchen?

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

LANCE: goddammit matt who gave you the right to drop a @everyone in the group chat at 1 am.

PIDGE: matt typing in the group chat like:

 

PIDGE: "wow look at me i'm matt and i'm dumb gonna wake everybody up hurr durr durr"

MATT: Thanks.

ALLURA: What happened to the kitchen?!

LANCE: wait you fucked up the kitchen???

LANCE: ooooo hunk’s gonna be maaaaaaaaaaad.

**[SHAY] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

SHAY: What is happening? Why are we talking about Hunk?

ALLURA: Matt made a mistake.

PIDGE: you’re gonna have to be more specific since that happens, like, all the time

ALLURA: No I was just saying in general.

PIDGE: oh lol cool

MATT: Ouch.

LANCE: dude what happened.

MATT: So I kinda made the kitchen…stop being a kitchen anymore.

ALLURA: How.

MATT: Um—

ALLURA: **HOW.**

MATT: I—

ALLURA: And more importantly, **WHY.**

MATT: …Do you actually want an answer?

ALLURA: No.

LANCE: //@allura yo i have some nighttime de-stressing moisturizer in my room hmu.

ALLURA: Is it floral scented?

LANCE: i have lavender, cherry blossom, and mango.

ALLURA: I don’t know what any of those are but yes I would love some.

LANCE: yeeeeeeet.

SHAY: Hunk is going to be quite upset when he discovers what happened to the kitchen.

PIDGE: yeah

LANCE: maybe it could be fixed.

**[KEITH] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

KEITH: Why is there a giant charred black mess where the kitchen used to be?

KEITH: Were we attacked?

ALLURA: No.

PIDGE: yes

LANCE: sort of.

ALLURA: By one of our own.

KEITH: Oh. Pidge?

PIDGE: _hey_

LANCE: no, the other one.

KEITH: Oh. Matt.

MATT: Yeah.

ALLURA: The day that the Gundersons start working on something together is the day that I retire.

SHAY: From…being a princess?

ALLURA: Yes.

**[CORAN] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

CORAN: Not on my watch.

ALLURA: Shit.

CORAN: What is happening?

KEITH: I’m standing in the middle of the disaster zone that was the kitchen.

MATT: Wait, the middle of it? How did you get in the middle of it?

KEITH: I didn’t notice it until I tried to make coffee and the coffee maker was a pile of dust.

MATT: So you walked through the whole mess and just didn’t see it.

KEITH: I’m tired.

LANCE: he’s cute, isn’t he?

PIDGE: he’s something

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

SHIRO: What’s today’s disaster?

LANCE: *tonight’s.

SHIRO: It’s 1 AM. It’s officially tomorrow.

LANCE: damn.

LANCE: //@keith please join me and allura in my room.

KEITH: Ok, why?

LANCE: cuz i just realized you were trying to make coffee at 1 in the morning, and i want to make sure you sleep.

LANCE: also i want to see your fine face.

PIDGE: gay

KEITH: Yeah that’s kinda the point.

KEITH: I’m coming. ー( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

PIDGE: //@keithfolder subject observed to use emoticons when he is tired and flustered

PIDGE: shit that was in the main chat

PIDGE: ignore that

SHIRO: So, I just scrolled up. Matt. Buddy. What the hell.

MATT: I know, I’m terrible.

SHAY: What is going to be terrible is telling Hunk what happened.

**[HUNK] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

HUNK: Tell me what?

MATT: Shit.

LANCE: hunk, buddy, take deep breaths.

HUNK: Why

LANCE: there’s a…situation.

HUNK: What sort of **situation?**

LANCE: calm down, it’s fine, no need to get upset.

HUNK: What did you do?

LANCE: i didn’t do anything!!! why would you think i did something?!

ALLURA: At this moment, you are actively taking closeup pictures of Keith’s hair.

LANCE: shh i’m making a documentary.

KEITH: Of my hair?

LANCE: it’s called: A Gay Man’s Guide to a Good Mullet.

KEITH: …Ok.

HUNK: You know what, I’m too tired to deal with whatever is going on, I’m gonna go warm up some cornbread or something

MATT: NO WAIT MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT.

HUNK: Don’t worry I won’t eat all of it, I just want to— **HOLY FUCKING SHIT.**

SHAY: Hunk, honey—

HUNK: What… _what…_

HUNK: WHAT IS GOING ON???!!!!

MATT: Well it’s been great fellas I think I’m gonna go die now.

SHIRO: Matt, no.

HUNK: **WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KITCHEN?!**

LANCE: matt.

HUNK: **_MATT?!_**

MATT: Hi.

MATT: I blew up the kitchen.

HUNK: HOW….why…

MATT: You know what I don’t even know myself.

PIDGE: hey, you guys ever think we’re like the teen titans?

HUNK: Goddammit this is not the time for that

PIDGE: nope it’s happening

HUNK: _Matt blew up my kitchen!!!_

MATT: Allegedly.

HUNK: You literally admitted to doing it

MATT: …True.

PIDGE: no but for real let’s decide who is who in the teen titan gang

SHAY: Have all of you not already done this with other earth television shows?

LANCE: yeah.

KEITH: We honestly never stop doing it.

LANCE: it helps with the whole “not being on your home planet” thing.

PIDGE: so lance are you in

LANCE: you know it!

KEITH: Same.

ALLURA: Me too.

CORAN: Allura, the kitchen!

ALLURA: Coran, I love you, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by without some part of the castle getting destroyed.

SHIRO: Yeah, there’s still a lion shaped hole from where Keith crashed after the planet separation incident.

KEITH: No. I fixed it.

SHIRO: You put a single strand of caution tape over it.

KEITH: Like I said. Fixed it.

LANCE: tfw the bf is good with tools <3

KEITH: <3

HUNK: Coran, can you help me fix the kitchen?

MATT: Uh, I honestly don’t think that is even theoretically possible.

HUNK: What the hell did you **do?**

MATT: …

MATT: Nothing.

SHIRO: You tried to make mac and cheese, didn’t you?

MATT: No.

MATT: Maybe.

HUNK: SO YOU BLEW UP AN ENTIRE KITCHEN?!?!

MATT: I mean, it wasn’t intentional.

HUNK: **_HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN????_**

PIDGE: very easily, actually

SHIRO: Pidge.

ALLURA: Wait, has Matt done this before?

SHIRO: Sort of. He kinda built a reputation for himself back at the garrison.

LANCE: omg, was he the guy who started the “great tomato storm”???

MATT: Yeah.

LANCE: dude. you’re like, a legend.

HUNK: He’s about to be, cuz I’m gonna kill him

SHAY: Are legends dead people?

KEITH: Nah, just the people in them usually.

PIDGE: wait shiro you were matt’s roommate right? how did you survive?

SHIRO: You’re his sister, you tell me.

PIDGE: my crazy overpowers his

SHIRO: That is…very true.

MATT: I wasn’t that bad! I could make toast!

SHIRO: As long as you didn’t touch technology. You made toast by roasting it over a fire.

SHIRO: A fire which you would create, in our room. Out of scrap paper.

MATT: You weren’t complaining when I brought the s’mores out.

SHIRO: Because at that point I was already broken.

HUNK: I’m glad you’re all enjoying this nice little slide into insanity, because I’m about ready to fucking lose it

PIDGE: same, we still haven’t figured out which teen titan we all are

HUNK: For Fuck’s Sake

PIDGE: i like to think i’m raven, because, you know, Lesbian

KEITH: I could see that.

LANCE: yeah, a cowl is like your dream outfit.

PIDGE: ikr

ALLURA: What about me?

CORAN: Allura.

ALLURA: Coran. I am wearing a face mask entitled “lavender dream”, and I’m having my toenails painted purple by Lance.

LANCE: it’s a great color on you, babe.

ALLURA: Thanks. I want to learn which teen titan I am.

CORAN: I suppose that’s alright. You deserve a break.

ALLURA: No shit.

PIDGE: i mean, i think it’s pretty obvious allura is starfire

KEITH: Yeah, of course.

LANCE: yup.

ALLURA: Who is starfire?

KEITH: She’s this super cool space alien warrior who comes to earth and helps the others. She has pink hair and is sometimes on fire.

ALLURA: I approve.

LANCE: so am i beast boy? because i really wanna be beast boy.

PIDGE: yeah

LANCE: yessssssssss.

KEITH: I’m Robin, right?

MATT: Is the sky blue?

MATT: No I’m seriously asking.

MATT: I haven’t been on earth in awhile.

HUNK: Yeah, because you ran out of kitchens to blow up

MATT: Actually it’s because I got kidnapped by aliens but go off I guess.

PIDGE: keith is hella robin

KEITH: Nice. 

SHAY: Which one would Hunk be?

HUNK: No don’t include me in this I am Upset

LANCE: hunk and i have already had this conversation.

MATT: Of course you have.

LANCE: he’s a combo of starfire and cyclops.

KEITH: Nice.

ALLURA: Let’s do Shiro next.

LANCE: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ALLURA: Shut up.

SHIRO: You’re going to say I’m Cyclops because I have a robot arm, aren’t you?

PIDGE: …

PIDGE: yes

SHIRO: Of course.

LANCE: but he’s also half robin.

SHIRO: Okay. 

MATT: Who am I?

HUNK: An asshole

PIDGE: ba-dum _tiss_

MATT: Katie you’re my sister, you’re supposed to be on my side.

PIDGE: i’m on nobodies side

PIDGE: not even my own side

PIDGE: can’t trust no bitch

KEITH: Ok Pidge I think it’s time for you to sleep.

PIDGE: **bite me kogane**

LANCE: kinky.

SHIRO: Stop.

KEITH: So what are we gonna do for dinner then?

ALLURA: Good question.

PIDGE: we could go to that space station burger place

MATT: Oooh!!!

LANCE: SPACE MCDONALDS SPACE MCDONALDS SPACE MCDONALDS!

CORAN: We can’t, remember?! Shiro and Pidge got us banned!

MATT: Oh right.

PIDGE: i hate this fucking family

LANCE: i miss vine.

PIDGE: yoooooooo

LANCE: yooooooo

SHAY: How did Shiro and the Pidge get banned from a space station burger place?

KEITH: “The Pidge”.

PIDGE: i like it

HUNK: Yeah Shiro, how **_did_** you guys get banned? Please share with the class

SHIRO: You were there.

HUNK: Yes I was and I wanna hear you say it

SHIRO: …

SHIRO: Uh, I don’t remember.

HUNK: Bull Shit

ALLURA: Didn’t you break the ice cream machine?

HUNK: Yes but did he ever tell you why?

ALLURA: Oh. No?

SHIRO: You know what I’m gonna go help clean up the kitchen.

LANCE: get back here while you’re being dragged!!!

MATT: Wait wasn’t it because that one dude was flirting with Allura behind the counter? 

MATT: And Shiro got upset and confused while he was using the ice cream machine?

MATT: And accidentally broke it with his mechanical arm?

SHIRO: …

PIDGE: Upset and Confused

LANCE: you know he had to do it to ‘em.

PIDGE: GOD I MISS MEMES

ALLURA: Shiro, that young man was just addressing me by the full regal status of my people, because he was a history enthusiast and recognized my robes. I promise there is no reason to worry. <3

SHIRO: I know that.

SHIRO: <3

MATT: Awww.

SHAY: Alright, but how did the Pidge get banned?

HUNK: Yes How Did That Happen Pidge?

PIDGE: there was a robot waiter roaming around and i wanted to be his friend

HUNK: So you tried to steal him

PIDGE: that’s how i make friends

LANCE: yeah that’s kinda how she made friends with us back at the garrison.

KEITH: True.

CORAN: How about Hunk and I go to the space station burger, and order us dinner.

PIDGE: YAY

PIDGE: say hello to robot-friend for me!!!!

HUNK: No

MATT: Meanwhile the rest of us can help fix up the kitchen.

MATT: But mostly me.

MATT: Hunk, I really am sorry. I know how much cooking meant to you.

HUNK: …It’s fine, I know it was an accident

MATT: Pidge and I will engineer some better cooking devices for you.

PIDGE: _like an oven that can also explode_

ALLURA: Please no.

HUNK: Thanks Matt, that’s really sweet

LANCE: yo at the burger place get me a double cheeseburger with a large fry.

PIDGE: hmu with some cheesy fries

KEITH: I want chicken nuggets.

LANCE: GET THE BOY SOME NUGGETS.

ALLURA: I’ll have the special burger with extra sauce.

SHIRO: Me too.

MATT: I want the biggest burger they have without over going their limits on supplies.

SHAY: And I shall come with you, to be with Hunk and to see what kind of meatless burgers they have.

HUNK: Yay!!!

CORAN: Alright, let’s go get some horrible food.

HUNK: YAY!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ଘ( ິ•ᆺ⃘• )ິଓ
> 
> eeeeeey sorry this one took so long. i was busy kissing my gf. but yeah anyways i'm still updating this and i have something big coming up, i have no plans on ending this fic anytime soon.


	18. WHO ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back bitch

**[LANCE] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

LANCE: but for real a foot thumb would be so fucking efficient.

LANCE: wait shit wrong chat.

**[PIDGE] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

PIDGE: no

PIDGE: this is a discussion now

**[SHIRO] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

SHIRO: Why are you talking about extra appendages?

LANCE: why do ya wanna know?

SHIRO: Because if I could start getting some sort of control over things, that would be Great.

SHIRO: Also you don't need extra appendages.

LANCE: says the guy with the robot arm.

SHIRO: Which _replaced_ an old appendage.

**[MATT] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

MATT: Lucky.

SHIRO: Dude.

LANCE: don’t worry, hunk and i ain’t gonna grow extra appendages.

PIDGE: how do you know

LANCE: because i’m never letting you near me while i sleep.

PIDGE: dammit

**[HUNK] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

HUNK: Ah I see you posted in the wrong chat

LANCE: yeah sorry.

HUNK: And there I was, waiting with baited breath, for your answer

**[SHAY] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

SHAY: Did Lance type into the wrong chat?

HUNK: Yeah he’s a dumb dumb but we love him

SHAY: Of course.

LANCE: i’m insulted and gracious.

MATT: Wait hold on, what other chat was this?

LANCE: the couple’s chat.

HUNK: It’s me, Shay, Lance, and Keith

LANCE: it’s called “that feel when no gf but actually no cuz you have a gf/bf”

SHIRO: Allura and I were invited, but our relationship functions differently than all of you.

PIDGE: because you’re old

SHIRO: Yeah.

LANCE: we were talking about cute date ideas and then keith decided to take a nappy nap and muttered something about shay’s cool horn thingies.

SHAY: Coronicas.

LANCE: yes those.

HUNK: Which prompted a discussion on what we would like attached to our bodies

PIDGE: nineteen hot air balloons

MATT: A will to live.

PIDGE: oh wait make mine “a will to live” too

PIDGE: with a side of fries

SHIRO: Hey kids, could you lighten up a little?

MATT: Shiro, bud, two nights ago I caught you eating pizza in the kitchen at 3 am. You were crying.

SHIRO: I’m lactose intolerant.

MATT: WHAT.

HUNK: Shiro lore unlocked

MATT: Dude, you literally ate nothing but mac and cheese and ice cream while we were at the Garrison.

SHIRO: Yeah, so there was literally never a night where I wasn’t acquainting myself with our toilet.

PIDGE: ew

MATT: Why are you like this.

SHIRO: Like you’re one to talk. You’re wearing the bottoms of soda bottles as glasses.

MATT: Hunk made them for me.

HUNK: Yeah, as coasters

MATT: Oh.

PIDGE: when you have +5 intelligence but crit fail perception

SHIRO: NO. We are _not_ bringing Dungeons and Dragons in this castle. That is the final straw.

LANCE: i low-key agree with shiro on this one. we can’t even play twister without burning something.

SHAY: What?

HUNK: Pidge started making up colors

PIDGE: no, i just downed three coffees and two five hour energies and saw all twelve dimensions for a half hour

SHIRO: Her pupils were huge.

HUNK: She kept telling me “left consciousness on brittalin”

HUNK: But literally only me

HUNK: Cuz then she’d be like “lance, right leg on blue”

PIDGE: lmao get it

PIDGE: cuz he’s literally a right leg

PIDGE: that’s blue

LANCE: PIDGE KNOWS WHAT’S UP

PIDGE: YOU BET I DO

ALLURA: If you all would like, I have some Altean games loaded up on the deck’s holo programming. They are all holographic, so it would be very hard to burn anything.

MATT: Challenge accepted.

LANCE: yessss let’s play a gaaaaaame i’m booooooored.

**[CORAN] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

CORAN: Did someone say a GAME?

HUNK: AAAAAA

HUNK: Jesus he popped out of nowhere, i had no idea he was in the same room as me

CORAN: Yes, I’ve been silently observing you for over an hour!

HUNK: What

CORAN: The games we have on the deck console are all heavily sophisticated examples of Altean wit and sport. They are challenging, and get the heart valves pumping!

**[KEITH] opened [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

KEITH: I prefer my heart valves chugging along at a normal speed.

LANCE: eeeeeeey babe how was your nap?

KEITH: Good. I dreamt Matt and Shay were building a vegan ice cream machine.

MATT: /whisper [SHAY]

MATT: << He knows. >>

SHAY: << I will hide the evidence. >>

LANCE: we’re gonna go up on deck to play some games.

KEITH: Cool. I’ll destroy all of you.

ALLURA: And with that in mind, I suggest we all leave our weapons in the common area before we begin.

KEITH: Spoilsport. 

HUNK: Can’t we all get along?

KEITH: Not when losing is at stake.

LANCE: you’re going down, mullet man.

KEITH: Don’t think I’ll go easy on you because I can kiss you now.

LANCE: go easy??? HA you’re gonna need to play your ass off to beat me.

MATT: I thought the tension was going to stop when they started dating.

ALLURA: If anything, it’s gotten more intense.

HUNK: That’s just what gays are like

PIDGE: shit

HUNK: What?

PIDGE: i just realized i haven’t spoken to a straight person in months

PIDGE: i’m truly living my best life

PIDGE: apart from the whole saving the universe from mass destruction thing

MATT: Tru.

ALLURA: Field trip! Up to the main deck!

LANCE: FIELD TRIP!

HUNK: FIELD TRIP FIELD TRIP FIELD TRIP

LANCE: yoooo remember the garrison field trips?

HUNK: You mean when we deliberately snuck out of the building against orders?

LANCE: yeah good times.

PIDGE: until you dragged me along

HUNK: Admit it, you loved it

PIDGE: only when you provided me with tater tots you stole from the kitchen

SHIRO: Oooo tater tots…

MATT: Shiro, my friend, you eat like a human trashcan.

SHIRO: :(

MATT: Sorry. Cyborg trashcan.

SHIRO: :(((

ALLURA: Everyone, get up on deck. It’s game time.

HUNK: Game Time

LANCE: gay game time.

KEITH: Oh fuck yeah.

SHAY: I’m excited as well.

PIDGE: shit guys, shay is gonna beat all of us

SHAY: Yes I will.

HUNK: Good <3

:

:

:

SHIRO: Altean monopoly is proving to be…interesting.

PIDGE: if you so much as breathe in the general direction of my hotels i will own you

CORAN: If you get ten more, you can literally do that!

PIDGE: **yes**

LANCE: this was either a mistake or the best thing ever.

MATT: It’s usually a mistake.

LANCE: you’re just saying that because you’re nearly bankrupt.

MATT: Yeah. How did that happen again?

SHAY: You wasted all your money buying nineteen of the intergalactic railroads.

MATT: Oh right.

KEITH: Why???

MATT: Idk I like trains.

PIDGE: he’s a man of simple needs

ALLURA: Mid-game score announcement! The current predicament is as follows. Shay is leading the game with a total of seven monopolies and a small scattering of houses, and the most money.

SHAY: While my people’s way is to respect and honor all walks of life, I am enjoying watching you suffer as I take away your fake money.

LANCE: mood.

ALLURA: I am in second, with two hotels and a nice handful of monopolies.

SHIRO: You’re doing great.

ALLURA: Of course I am <3\. Coran is close behind me, and is trying to buy off Lance to get two of his properties and three of his spaceships.

LANCE: i’m a bad bitch you can’t buy me.

CORAN: Every man has his price.

LANCE: not me. i have honor. i have pride.

CORAN: I have old yearbook photos of Keith.

LANCE: you can have anything what do you want.

KEITH: What.

HUNK: Yeah, what

CORAN: Pidge left her laptop open the other day, while in the midst of compiling a folder for Keith she called “Mullet Lore”. 

HUNK: Fucking god

PIDGE: it’s his backstory

CORAN: It contains old pictures of Keith.

PIDGE: yeah, and they were surprisingly hard to find

KEITH: Because I Took Great Efforts To Erase My Existence Off Every Database Known To Man How The Fuck Did You Find Those

PIDGE: :)

KEITH: How?

PIDGE: :)

KEITH: Pidge _how?_

PIDGE: :)

KEITH: PIDGE.

PIDGE: let me put it to you this way

PIDGE: no matter where you go

PIDGE: no matter what you do

PIDGE: DeviantArt will catch up to you

KIETH: …

KEITH: You didn’t.

PIDGE: oh i _did_

MATT: HA!

HUNK: No way dude

HUNK: Tho I guess it makes sense

LANCE: pidge.

KEITH: Lance, please.

LANCE: pidge i will sell you my soul for an account name.

PIDGE: nah, there are some lows even i won’t stoop to

KEITH: Oh thank god.

PIDGE: from that i was able to get some location info and password stuff, y’all really need to stop using the same password for everything

SHIRO: I don’t!

PIDGE: adding 123 at the end doesn’t make it a new password

SHIRO: Oh

PIDGE: anyways, i found keith’s middle school yearbook photos, and oooooooooh boy

KEITH: Why.

LANCE: i **NEED**.

PIDGE: lol

LANCE: can i ask for a hint????

PIDGE: sure

LANCE: smashmouth vibes or mcr vibes?

KEITH: Can someone stop this from happening?

SHAY: Stop what, exactly?

KEITH: Life.

SHAY: I don’t think I can do that.

PIDGE: def mcr vibes

LANCE: give me something plEASE.

PIDGE: one word:

PIDGE: bangs

LANCE: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

KEITH: I’m so tired.

MATT: Uh, is that supposed to be doing that?

SHAY: What are you referring to?

MATT: The main console. It’s blinking.

CORAN: Goodness, we have an incoming message!

HUNK: If it’s Lotor tell him I know he wears hair extensions

LANCE: lmao ikr?

PIDGE: bet he has a tramp stamp

KEITH: What does it say?

PIDGE: “are ya’ nasty?”

KEITH: HA.

ALLURA: It’s not Lotor, it’s a distress beacon.

CORAN: On a channel I wasn’t aware existed…

SHIRO: Somehow, I’m not surprised.

SHIRO: Let’s wire it through the main chat.

ALLURA: It’s a video message!

MATT: Let’s play it.

**[ALLURA] attached [VIDEO] to [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

_VIDEO: Calling all units. I repeat, calling all Mamora units._

KEITH: Mamora?

LANCE: it’s just static.

PIDGE: i can try to enhance the signal

HUNK: CSI Miami voice “ _enhance the image”_

_VIDEO: This is Krolia calling in on an emergency channel I hooked up to my gene code. Any Blade of Mamora members within this sector will be able to see this message._

CORAN: Blade of Mamora? Why does that sound familiar…

PIDGE: i think i got it

SHIRO: It’s getting clearer—

SHIRO: Oh.

ALLURA: She’s a Glara!

SHAY: Oh dear!

HUNK: She looks beat up

LANCE: she looks…huh.

KEITH: What?

LANCE: she looks familiar, idk.

ALLURA: Shh!

_VIDEO: I have just learned pertinent information, information which has put my position within the ranks at risk. I was forced to abandon my post. The generals had begun to sense they had a mole among them._

ALLURA: A mole?!

SHAY: Oh!!!

_VIDEO: Prince Lotor is planning an attack against the Voltron fleet. I have with me a copy of the plans._

LANCE: holy shit this is just like star wars.

MATT: Lance, literally everything we do is like Star Wars.

LANCE: oh yeah.

HUNK: Dibs on being Lando

LANCE: FUCK.

_VIDEO: If anyone’s out there, please contact me. I’ll be uploading the plans._

PIDGE: she’s Big

HUNK: Hey Pidge, feeling thirsty?

PIDGE: **parched**

_VIDEO: Krolia, signing out._

SHAY: …That’s it?

MATT: My introduction was cooler.

SHIRO: What?

MATT: Nothing.

LANCE: hold up, something isn’t making sense.

ALLURA: That isn’t unusual.

KEITH: What’s the Blade of Mamora?

ALLURA: I…don’t know.

LANCE: was i the only one who thought she looked familiar???

CORAN: She was a Galra female.

LANCE: no, like, there was something else. i feel like i’ve seen her before.

KEITH: I

KEITH: Uh

KEITH: I think I know what you were talking about.

SHIRO: What is it, Keith?

KEITH: I think—

KEITH: Never mind. 

KEITH: That’s too wild, even for me.

PIDGE: what i want to know was how she was able to contact us

ALLURA: She claimed that the transmission would be able to reach all Blade of Mamora members, but to my knowledge, none of us knows what that is.

CORAN: It doesn’t sound familiar.

SHIRO: Yup.

PIDGE: i belong to like, eight different secret societies but that ain’t one of them

LANCE: never heard of it.

HUNK: Same

MATT: Nope.

SHAY: I have no recollection of that name.

SHIRO: Keith?

KEITH: Yeah, uh, I

KEITH: I don’t think I know of it.

SHIRO: You don’t think?

KEITH: Yeah.

KEITH: I mean,

KEITH: It sounds familiar? But I don’t know why?

KEITH: I might just be mixing it up with something else.

CORAN: Sorry to interrupt, but I am having trouble replaying the transmission, or viewing the plans she uploaded. 

ALLURA: What do you mean?

CORAN: It is asking for a verified member’s hand print in order to proceed.

HUNK: We ain’t got any of those

LANCE: hands or verified members?

HUNK: Yes

MATT: Wait, didn’t she say that she hooked the transmission to her gene code?

SHIRO: More or less.

KEITH: Oh shit.

KEITH: Oh SHIT.

LANCE: what??? what’s wrong?!

KEITH: Coran, I need you to do something for me.

CORAN: What?

KEITH: Try to see if my handprint is verified.

HUNK: Lol what

CORAN: Um—

KEITH: Just try it!

CORAN: Okay okay!

MATT: I don’t know what you hope to accomplish with this, it’s not going to—

**[KEITH] handprint accepted**

**Entrance allowed**

MATT: Mother **fucker.**

HUNK: Whaaaat is happening

SHIRO: Keith, are you a member of this Blade of Mamora thing?

PIDGE: and if so can you get me that purple lady’s digits

KEITH: I have literally never heard of the Blade of Mamora in my life, I swear.

ALLURA: So why did…

KEITH: She said she hooked up the transmission to her gene code.

ALLURA: Oh.

ALLURA: _Oh._

LANCE: wait what???what do you mean “oh”??? what is happening?????!!!!

KEITH: I mean, if I’m connected to her gene code, then—

HUNK: Ohmygodisthisreallyhappening

MATT: Of course it is, have you met us?!

LANCE: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT’S GOING ON.

KEITH: I never knew my mom.

LANCE: ……..

SHIRO: T-this can’t be possible. I mean, _that_ can’t be possible. Biologically. Right???

CORAN: I mean…

PIDGE: **oh do tell**

CORAN: That can be possible. Biologically. Everything can. Um. Match up. And. Function.

ALLURA: And how do you know that?

CORAN: I had friends. During school—

ALLURA: Ok never mind I don’t want to know.

SHAY: I am confused. Does this mean that the woman on the screen, the Galra woman, is Keith’s mother?

KEITH: I…don’t know. But, it looks like it.

LANCE: i mean, at least it seems like she’s against lotor.

ALLURA: We need to start investigating this Blade of Mamora thing NOW.

KEITH: Yes please.

SHIRO: This is big.

PIDGE: she sure is

HUNK: Every day with this team is like an episode of Times of Our Lives

HUNK: Anyone else got a huge thing they wanna share?

LANCE: i’m gay for keith.

ALLURA: We figured.

pidge: hey keith

keith: Don’t.

Pidge: hey keith

keith: Please.

PIdge: hey keith i need to tell you something

KEITH: No.

PIDGE: hey keith i think your mom is hot

KEITH: Someone kill me.

ALLURA: We really need to find Pidge a girlfriend.

HUNK: Is no one going to comment on the fact that keith’s dad was probably a furry???

**[KEITH] went idle**

PIDGE: ASDFGWJHKBFKWOIKH

LANCE: ok as keith’s boyfriend i need y’all to knock it off before he has an aneurism

LANCE: but hunk as your best friend i was totally thinking that holy shit

HUNK: Ikr??? Like keith’s furry tendencies can be forgiven because his mom has a built in fursona

MATT: I want to be lost in space again.

SHIRO: Take me with you.

HUNK: But keith’s dad is a whole other fucking level

SHAY: But if Pidge thinks Keith’s mom is attractive, doesn’t that classify her as a “furry”?

SHAY: Also what is a “furry”.

HUNK: I’ll tell you when I’m drunk

LANCE: pidge what do you have to say for yourself?

PIDGE: meh, i just like women, idc if they have fur

LANCE: okay she’s safe, just really gay.

PIDGE: you best fucking believe

LANCE: i’m gonna go check on keith. he’s prob going through a lot.

**[LANCE] went idle**

HUNK: Shay, where are you going?

SHAY: I am preparing a spray bottle of cold water for when the next revelation of shock occurs.

MATT: What makes you say another one’s going to happen?

SHAY: Because in this short time I have been with your team of Voltron, I have witnessed several sneak attacks revealing highly relevant surprised information of backstory within a two day span, as well as multiple dramatic disappearances, disasters, explosions, romantic trysts, and lots of yelling.

MATT: Ah.

CORAN: We have another transmission coming through.

SHIRO: Of fucking course we do.

**[CORAN] attached [VIDEO] to [VOLTRON WILL NEVER SAY THE “V” WORD]**

_VIDEO: This is Sam Holt, and I’m relaying a distress signal in order to find my son._

PIDGE: DAD

MATT: DAD!

ALLURA: Computer, track the transmission!

_VIDEO: He is also human, and shares a similar likeness to me. I can reward anyone who helps me with whatever they need, I am in a great deal of distress and require absolute discretion in my rescuing._

ALLURA: He’s within range of our planet!

PIDGE: **@GreenLion** we found him babe start your motherfucking engines!!!!!

MATT: I’m coming with you!

PIDGE: let’s go!

**[PIDGE] went idle**

**[MATT] went idle**

HUNK: Is it, like, national find yo’ family day? 

SHAY: It would appear so.

SHIRO: Voltron, let’s go rescue Mr. Holt!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I WROTE THE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS JOKES BEFORE THE PROMO PICS WERE RELEASED SO ONCE AGAIN MY GAY ASS CAN TELL THE FUTURE BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT LANCE WAS GOING TO BE A FURRY APPARENTLY SO THERE YOU GO.

**Author's Note:**

> =͟͟͞͞( ✌°∀° )☛
> 
>  
> 
> This is heavily based off of ArcaneAdiago's Overwatch fic: Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)  
> It's hilarious, and pretty much famous in the Overwatch fandom. GO CHECK IT OUT!! http://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573/chapters/19464616
> 
> Tell me what you guys thought, leave a kudo if you wanna see more!


End file.
